Page 20 of See Me

“Not so fast. I think I want to hear this. Whatdid she do?” When no one speaks, the rope holding on to my last nerve snaps and I close in on them.

Enzo looks at Ella and she bites her lip and gives a quick shake of her head. The fucking nerve of this girl. To stand here, while I tower over her, and say no right to my face.

And why is my dick hard again?

Is this a fucking game to her? When I consider every interaction we’ve had, I come to the conclusion she was sent here just to torture and test me.For what?I don’t know. And I don’t care. All I know is I either need to fuck the hell out of her or get rid of her.

So what’s it gonna be?

“Enzo.” I draw the name out like a warning. “What did she do?”

“Let’s just say if she hadn’t held me back that guy wouldn’t have even gotten close to Ella.”

I clench my teeth when the fact that this could have been prevented hits me in the chest. I look at Ella and her eyes are on the floor.

I'd be surprised if she doesn’t taste blood as hard as she’s chewing the inside of her cheek. “It's not a big deal, really. I’m good.”

I cross my arms over my chest and blow out a deep breath out of my nose. “What needs to happen?” She looks up at my question with wide eyes and her bottom lip between her teeth.

Now you’re afraid?

She shakes her head. “Nothing. Nothing needs to happen.”

Enzo grabs her hand and squeezes and their comfortable familiarity irks me to the bone. “Ella, you don’t have to let this go. It was an asshole move.”

“And getting mad or getting even doesn’t solve anything. It won't change the fact that he got his hands around my neck.”Her hand instinctively clutches and pulls at the collar of her shirt like she can’t breathe.

I divert my eyes. I can’t see the look on her face and not react. I have a reputation to uphold here. If she realizes the fact that her being scared of someoneother than me, makes me want to scoop her up and comfort her, well, the curtain would come crashing down and I’m not willing to let her, or anyone, see that.

Enzo rubs circles on her back and though I haven’t punched him in anger in a very long time, my fist feels a magnetic pull right to his stupid face. I put my hands in my pockets to keep from acting on impulse and, you know, to keep up this act that I don’t give a shit.

“Whatever, all I know is you two are opening tomorrow so you better get going.”

Ella nods and swallows hard, looking to the back door.

My weasel of a brother grabs her elbow and says, “I’ll walk you out.”

They walk down the hall, heads together, speaking in hushed whispers. I wait for the door to close before the realization sets in that sleep isn’t going to happen. I lock the deadbolt on the back door and head to the gym.

I just have to decide who the punching bag will be tonight. Tomi or Enzo?

SEVEN

THERE’S NO CRYING IN LUXURY CARS

As I walkto my car, three spaces away from the back door, I hear the deadbolt slide home and squeeze my eyes shut, willing away the sting of tears. I rigged the actual latch with a penny and some tape, after watching numerous YouTube tutorials, solidifying my search history alerting the FBI, and for what? I’ll still be sleeping in my car tonight.

Enzo has his hand on my elbow guiding me to my car. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe now.”

Oh, this sweet, sweet idiot. I have to let him think I’m still upset about Dr. Dickface and not about the fact that not only will I be sleeping out in the open with a murderer on the loose, but more so the fact that I let myself get here. I singlehandedly facilitated this situation. Maybe it’s some sick, subconscious manifestation of the downfall my parents expected. Did I really do this to myself? To get back at them? But they don’t even know, don’t even care, if I’m to believe the words spewed at me.

No, this resulted from willful ignorance. Some small part of me believed they loved me enough not to abandon me because I chose a career that wasn’t good enough. A career I settled on years ago when a teacher was the only person that truly cared about me, Ellie, notElla,and the person I’ve become.Her face when I told her to call me Ella… I can still feel the wave of shame wash over me when I realized I’d disappointed her. But she hugged me with a sad smile and said,see you tomorrow, Ella.

I can’t believe I let myself fall so far. Lived my life, in a way, for others and lost most of myself along the way.

All except the part wanting to be a teacher; that never wavered. I suppose it’s an homage to her, the only person that really saw me, accepted me, for me. And probably a really watered down version of an apology, or penance, or some other psychobabble bullshit I can research tonight, from the backseat of my car.

There’s another mind curse and I’m so defeated I don’t have the energy to mentally chastise myself.

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