Page 24 of Deep Connection

I went about my day as quietly as I could. I had a lot on my mind and though it wasn’t that hard to focus on my inner world, I had a lot in the outer world that was drawing me out. The doctor’s options were interesting but frightening, and I went by myself. It was a lot to take in, the dangers, but I signed all of the release forms. I hoped that it worked. I wasn’t sure if it was nice. Maybe I would like it. I didn’t know.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Jason? Once you start, you can’t stop until it’s done.”

I agreed but knew that it was going to be a one-way ticket sort of thing. I kept asking for details about what exactly he was going to do, but he said that he was sending me documents on how to get that information. I was thrilled to finally have it and I went along with all of the times that worked for them. I didn’t care if it happened at two in the AM, if that was what it took. Dr. Griffin was confident to the point of cocky. It made me feel better, so I hoped that it wasn’t in vain.

When I left the doctor’s office, I had the date that was going to change everything for me. Now I just had to wait a couple more weeks and pray that it went off without a hitch. I wanted to share the news with Abigail, but then I thought against it.

Abigail called me about mid-day, and it was good to hear her voice. I told her as much and I heard the delight in her response. Abigail liked compliments that I liked. It made me pay attention more, which could sometimes be hard to remember.

“Why don’t you come over tonight?”

Abigail paused and then agreed, saying that it would be good to get out. I didn’t know if she meant it or not, but I couldn’t think of anything better than spending the night with Abigail. I wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about her, so I might as well have her here next to me. I slept better knowing that she was next to me and okay.

We agreed on a time and when I got off the phone with her, I was grinning from ear to ear. There really was something about Abigail that made me feel so damn lucky to be alive and in her purview. I didn’t know how I got so lucky, but I was never going to take it for granted.

20

Abigail

Igot ready after work to go see Jason. I knew that things were a bit off and tense between us, but that was just because so much had happened between us in such a short amount of time. I didn’t want to believe that I would ever find someone to love. Jason didn’t either, so both of us were trying to get used to the idea of that to start off with. I knew that he was the one, even though there was a part of me that was just as bad.

When I got to his place, he was already dressed and there was a mood in the air. It wasn’t hard to imagine what it was that he wanted. There was soft music playing and the lights were off. I knew that he could tell the difference, but it wasn’t that long ago that he told me he could see shadows. The light was for me then, so that I would feel in the mood as well. It would be exhilarating if I was one hundred percent honest. I wanted him so badly.

Jason gave me a kiss as soon as I got there and from that kiss, I could see how it was all going to go. The kiss lasted a few moments, and I swear I was wet when he pulled away. I didn’t want him to know that I was that easy. I liked to believe that I wasn’t, but the proof was in my panties. Jason smiled in a way that told me he knew, or I was just worried enough that I saw it that way.

“It is good to feel you, Abigail. I wish I could see you because I know that you would be gorgeous.”

I told him that I was just wearing something that I had around. He said that he didn’t believe me, and he was right. I had dressed up for him, even though it was silly because he couldn’t see. I had gotten all dressed up for me. I wanted to feel like I was on top of the world and that’s exactly how I felt at the moment. I knew that nothing was going to be the same between us after tonight, it was a feeling I had. At first, I thought it was going to be a good change, but I would quickly learn that it wasn’t.

Jason had made dinner. It was getting cold as we made out, but he remembered himself and dragged me to the table. I wasn’t really hungry, told him as much, and he scoffed, “You just want to have dessert first,” he accused me. I didn’t argue. I did want something sweet and yeah it was from him. Jason always seemed to know exactly what I needed. That was unnerving to say the least, that he was always so sure of himself and what was going on. I was still filled with questions.

“What is this?”

He rattled off some fancy French name, but it did me no good to tell me what it was that I was actually eating. It was important, at least I thought it was, but Jason just glossed over it all like he didn’t know why it mattered one way or another. “As long as you like it, that is all that matters.”

I sighed to show him that I wanted more feedback than that, but I didn’t think that he got it. He wouldn’t because he couldn’t see how upset I was, so I reminded myself that I needed to use my voice to say how I feel, or I couldn’t be mad that he didn’t notice. Jason had a very good reason not to see it.

“I feel like something is off between us. Am I wrong?” I finally just came out and asked. I could see that Jason was surprised and he hesitated.

“There is a lot going on, Abigail, but there is nothing that you need to worry about.”

I sighed louder to show him that his crap answer wasn’t going to work for me. I knew that he liked to think that all of what was going on was out of my purview, but not if we were going to be together. I needed to know some truths and there was this sinking feeling in my stomach that I couldn’t name, yet I couldn’t ignore it either. If he could help me with either one of those things, maybe I would feel better about it all.

“What?”

“You are being very elusive. I swear that you must have been a spy the way you act sometimes, like everything is national security.”

Jason scoffed, “Nothing like that. My doctor wants to do something that is too dangerous to consider, and I am just not used to feeling this disappointment. I’d given up on ever seeing again, but he had me convinced.”

It was the first time I heard that he had been promised sight. I could imagine how devastated he was about it, but he instead smiled at me, like he knew I was staring. I was shaking with sadness for him, but I knew that Jason didn’t want pity. He wanted me to see that he was doing just fine with it, even though I knew there was no way that it was true. How could it be?

“I’m sorry, Jason.” I said the words, but there wasn’t enough behind them. How useless were such words, when there was nothing that I could do to make him better. I wished I could, truly, but there was nothing that I could do. I hated that feeling and I hugged him to me. I had to get up from the table, but I wrapped my arms around him and smiled. “I wish that you could see me. Then you would know how much I love you.”

I stopped, my heart beating out of my chest. That wasn’t supposed to be said. That wasn’t supposed to happen. What in the world was going on? He paused as well, and I worried that I had said too much. We didn’t know each other enough for that answer and admission to be okay. I was horrified and didn’t even want to look at Jason. I was afraid of what I would see.

“You love me?”

I scoffed, “Of course.”

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