Page 39 of Lost In London

She nodded in understanding, a hand rubbing along the small bump she thought no one saw. “Having that conversation isn’t for their benefit but yours. Trust me when I tell you that when you have an opportunity to heal another part of yourself do it. There’s more pain when you’re trying to move on in life and those strings of the past are still attached to you.” Smiling down at her wedding ring, she looked over at me grinning.

“If Dre was an average man my baggage would’ve run him off but he’s one of a kind. Unique and hand-picked just for me. We’ve been through some shit. Some tough shit that could’ve been avoided had I learned to release and let go when the opportunities present themselves. Granted he came with his own baggage, it wasn’t fair for me to come completely heavy in my trauma and think all he had to do was overlook it.”

My eyes closed and my head dropped back between my shoulders as the sun kissed my skin. Quincey and I weren’t a couple but deep down in my heart, I knew he was someone that I wouldn’t mind getting lost in. I knew by allowing him in to see the real me without the fake facades and such, he’d stay around regardless of what I presented to him. He’s confirmed that much now. It was such a turn on how he saw past my fears when it came to Olena.

The frightening part of this thing with him is the confirmation of him being a pivotal figure in my life would alter my life in ways I’ve never imagined. All my life I’ve second-guessed most of my decisions but when it came to him, I ran because I had such clarity and that scared the hell out of me.

“Whoever he is, London.” She waited until my eyes were locked with hers. “Don’t run him off because you’re afraid of what you’ll face when you give him complete access to you. Trust me, it feels so much better when you have a man who can love you as you deserve and stand beside you as you fight your demons together. Think about it. That Theo guy ran and decided your scars and flaws weren’t worth loving and fighting for but this guy, he wants them. He wants you.”

She was absolutely right.

Talking with Coco opened my eyes to a new perspective concerning my attraction to Quincey. Yes, it came way out of left field and so strong it caused me to cower whenever he was around. But what if he’s that way because God knows for me to embrace that man and to clean my soul and heart from past transgressions? For me to become my fully exalted self, it would take a being more heightened and enlightened than to get me there.

For the rest of the evening, my mother tried her hardest to persuade me but I wasn’t folding. Until I sorted out all of this uprooted anger it was best I stayed my distance. When Dre and Coco announced they were leaving, I was right behind them. My daddy hugged me for what seemed like an eternity. This was my guy. My homie but I had a lot of things to deal with and he knew that.

“When you’re ready to talk I’m here, baby girl.” He kissed my cheek.

“Thanks, daddy.” I hugged him tighter and stayed in his arms until I felt my eyes prick with tears.

“If you change your mind let me know.” My mother was next in the hug line.

“I will.” Our hug was short and sweet.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to Benny.” I wasn’t surprised that Landon wanted to speak with me. Our relationship shifted so much these last few years. I get he’s married now with kids but I often felt like he didn’t want me around. Like I’d be a bad influence on Andrea or LJ.

“See you later.” I hugged him but he kept my arms around his waist.

“I’ll be in town next week. Can you schedule me in for dinner or lunch?” I tried not to get my hopes up but I missed my brother. I missed him a lot.

“Sure. Call me with the details and I’ll be there.” I stepped back and prepared to leave but he blocked me from getting in.

“Are you good? Do you need anything?” I could tell by the way he kept looking down at me that he wanted to ask deeper questions but Landon knew like I knew, he wasn’t ready to step through those doors.

“I’m fine.”

Reluctantly he stepped back. “I love you, Lo.”

“Love you too, Lan.”

Once I got in the backseat and Benny drove off, it wasn’t until we got on the highway that I exhaled and finally breathed. I loved my family, they’re my heart. What I do know is that I didn’t deserve what they did to me. I didn’t deserve it at all and them telling me I needed to get over it. Forgive and forget, screw them.

I had dreams of her last night and the night before. Dreams of us with two little boys that were the spitting image of me and her belly swollen with our princess. Along with being parents we were married and had been for five years before we welcomed the idea of having children.

London was the rays of my sun. The sweetness of my honey and the warmth of my tea.

She was my everything.

It was easy for me to get lost in London because my heart and spirit have been in alignment waiting.

Waiting for our paths to cross.

After we met up at the library last week I decided to fall back and seek counsel. Never have I ever pursued anything or anyone without laying out the details.

What purpose did she serve in my life? What purpose did I serve in hers? What value did either of us bring to the other's life? What reasons did I have to pursue her?

Yeah, my mind had a habit of going that deep and off-kilter. Having to thoroughly make the list and sit with it made me understand and realize the frustrations India and the rest of my exes had when it came to me.

I was uncomfortably anal.

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