Page 93 of Lost In London

Standing, Cassian glared down at me. “Let’s go.”

Pacino stood next. “You too.”

With our heads down, Luna and I followed behind them not saying a word. She got in the car with Pacino and I hopped on the golf cart with Cassian. He remained quiet on the short ride. I was afraid to look his way or ask any questions, afraid that he would tear my head off more.

Once inside the house I ran upstairs to the guest room I’ve been staying in since being back. It didn't feel right or respectful to my relationship to keep sharing a bed regardless of us having a divider. I expected Cassian to fuse but he never said anything.

I packed a quick bag of clothes to take with me over to Quincey's house. Cassian and I needed some space and I neglected my man long enough. The guys punished us, said what they had to say, and it was time to move on.

Me: Does my key still work?

Love: Come to me and find out

I missed him something terrible.

We had so much to talk about and I made up my mind that I was going to be honest and open about everything. He’s been patient with me when he didn’t have to. Besides, I never wanted there to be secrets in our relationship. The same way I wanted him to be honest with me about all things, I couldn’t ask for that and not give the same in return.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” In all black, Cassian leaned against my door frame with his arms crossed. His face was unreadable but I knew he was disappointed.

“It wasn’t intentional, Cassian. I promise it wasn’t. Luna and I…”

“I’m not talking about that.” He pushed off the wall, moving closer to where I sat on the bed with my packed bags. “You knew where he was this entire time and you said nothing. He’s been contacting you and you lied to my fucking face. I told you if he contacted you I’d…”

“You’d give up your freedom and I never wanted that to happen to you,” I jumped up defending my actions. “What about your kids? Fighting my battles doesn’t always have to end in bloodshed. You fought my battles by saving my life and helping me stand on my feet and find happiness within myself. That’s how you fought for me. I’ll always be thankful for what you’ve done for me.”

He nods. For a moment I thought he was going to let it go until he focused on my packed bags. “Going over to your boyfriend’s house?”

“Yes, I am.”

“So now that Elgin’s dead you don’t need me anymore, huh? That’s all I was to you. Protection, food, and false comfort.” His hands clenched to fists at his side, making me feel uneasy. Not that he would harm me but that he was so angry with me that he had to restrain himself.

“Don’t insult me because you have misplaced anger.” My bottom lip trembled. “What you’re trying to insinuate is hurtful.”

“Nah.” He clenched his jaw. “What’s hurtful is you finally getting what you want only to leave us high and dry.”

How could he say that?

Yes, my daily routine changed since I’ve been with Quincey but I made sure that it never changed how I interacted with Cassian and the kids. No matter how tired I was, I never left to go over to Quincey’s house until I put the girls to sleep and chatted with Cashton as I normally did. I even sometimes stayed late in the night just to watch movies with Cassian until he grew tired. Don’t even get me started on the mornings during the week. I made sure to be here bright and early to get ready with the girls. Our glam routine didn’t change but sometimes on the weekends it dId because I made the decision to let that be my time.

Kids watched and picked up on things quick. The last thing I wanted was for them to feel like I stopped loving them because I got a boyfriend. Regardless of how tired I was at the end of the day, I was basking in happiness. I had so much joy and energy to get me around to everyone I loved each day. Benny was truly a blessing because I didn’t have to drive. I took naps while he did so to power up.

Engaging him with anger wasn’t going to do anything but make this escalate when it didn’t have to. “Cass, please don’t do this. I’m still Lolo to everyone in this house. Only change that has been made is that my weekends sometimes include me spending time away from here. During the week I’m here for everything they need. Why is it…”

“What about me? What about me, huh?” He pounded his chest with his fist making me jump back. “You promised that you wouldn’t leave me, London. You promised that it would always be me and you.” Watching his eyes water made my own do the same.

Not everyone got to see vulnerable Cassian Kalmin. The man who shared his traumas and fears. The man who carried his mother’s abandonment with him and was afraid to let it go because that’s where his strength began to grow when he was a young boy.

“What about my kids? Huh? What about them? They don’t deserve for you to treat them like a revolving door. Only coming around when that nigga wants you out of his space so he can breathe.” He stepped back sniffling. “After the shit with Noelani, being a participant in the way she put them last because I never said anything. Nah. That shit ain’t happening again. I swore on my dead wife’s grave that they would never know the taste of abandonment. This shit here…” He chuckled bitterly.

“I’m not leaving them.”

“You walk out that door, don’t ever come back.”

My chest tightened to the point of my lungs, feeling like they were about to collapse. He couldn’t have said what I thought he did. Blinking my eyes clear, I watched his breathing mellow out as he transformed right before my eyes. Standing before me was the father and protector.

“You can walk out on me. If I can survive Noelani’s bullshit,” he swallowed hard. “I can survive you leaving me too. But you won’t get to hurt my babies, London. I love you, that much is true, but I won’t hesitate for a second to put a bullet in your skull if you think I’m about to watch you break their hearts every time you walk out that door. They don’t come second to no one. The choice is yours but do understand, that there’s no coming back from this. Once you leave, stay gone.”

My soul was hurting.

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