Page 33 of Saint Baptiste 2

Sage was like... she was like that doctor? That doctor that wouldn’t leave a bitch alone! She just... she brought it up. Made me remember that the cancer was still there and that?—

I was drowning.

Sinking.

“Naoki,” Sienna called out, placing her hand on my shoulder. “We don’t have to do this right now.”

Needed to talk to her. Not here. But… talking here. Man, it was easier. I didn’t have to hide here. Didn’t have to pretend I was okay here. There was no judgment. No one to confess to. No risk. Just… freedom to speak. But shit, even here I had to find a metaphor. Ain’t that crazy? The shit we hide from ourselves, when really, the one person we can’t hide from is self?

“Yes we do,” I somberly answered her with a deep sigh. “You had a beautiful life growing up. Part of the reason I couldn’t understand why you dealt with that shit from Amiri for so long was because of that. You didn’t have to settle because unlike me you weren’t stained. You haven’t been tainted and?—”

“Stained?—

“Let me finish, Sienna. Because,” I laughed. “Now is the only time you’re going to get this shit out of me. So, please… let me talk. So, that delusion. It makes me forget I don’t get the story like yours. There is no Prince Charming for me. Delusion for someone like me, with someone like him is… catastrophic. I don’t get love because,” I laughed. Did that sometimes to stop from crying. “I don’t get love. That’s not how my story ends. Love isn’t for women like me. The white picket fence. The kids. The… floating as you call it. The true love. Girls like me are only good for one thing. That’s what he said. What he told me?—“

“Who told you that bullshit? Saint? If Saint said that shit to?—”

“No. Not Saint, SiSi.” I flatly responded. “Remember your momma found that—never mind. Anyway,” I shook my head and caught myself. I could only share so much. Couldn’t share too much. Wasn’t ready to go that deep. I could only scrape from the surface. My shit was piled in layers and… yeah. Sienna could only get the top layer. She was smart. Very smart. She didn’t need all of them to figure it out! She was there for all of it. Every stage except for the first. Except for the first sight of the ‘cancer’. She could… she’d figure it out.

“Anyway!” I breathed out. “I’m—I’m going somewhere. You following me, SiSi? Hmm?”

Sienna nodded. “Yep. I’m—I’m following you, Ki.”

“Good,” I mumbled.

I then went on to tell her as much as I could without telling her the whole story. Just… left enough gaps. She could fill them in. SiSi was good like that. Told her why I couldn’t lose myself in delusion. Getting attached to that ridiculous possibility of a ‘happily ever after’ that wasn’t constructed for girls like me. The girls who learned very early on that those pathetic ass fairytales weren’t written with us in mind. Since learning it, I carried that with me every single fucking day.

Girls like me are only good for one thing.

He said that.

He told me that.

At eleven years old... he told me I was only good for... for that and it stuck with me. and every day since, I lived my life with that belief embedded in me. But... he told me a lot of things. I buried to forget. But since I couldn’t bury anymore, the things he said... they were on the surface. Cycled through my head on repeat as if he’d said it just yesterday.

“You been walkin’ around all day in this lil’ ass skirt waiting for me to come in here and fuck ya’ haven’t you?”

“You want to take it for her too? Good. You get double.”

“I found the letter you wrote ya mama. Who you think she gon’ believe? Your fast ass or me?”

“I’ma tell ya mama we havin another sleepover tonight. I’ma stay allll night. And you better be a good girl for daddy.”

“Come here and give daddy a kiss. I love you. I’m the only man that’s gon’ love you.”

“Gon’ and run your mouth to the neighborhood if you want to, Naoki. Put that out there. You gon’ always be known as the fast ass little bitch that fucked her momma husband.”

“Ain’t no man gon’ ever want you for nothin’ other than that nice lil’ pussy you got between your legs.”

I wrapped my arms around my body and closed my eyes.

“One time,” I lightly giggled. “I was watching um...”

I shook my head and took a deep breath and sank, just a little bit. Not too much. Just enough to tell her just enough. So she could get it. So she would understand why I said what I said about love and delusion. Just so she could understand me a little more. Because.... she didn’t. She thought I turned into that girl because I wanted to. Thought I did that because one day I just what? Woke up and decided to become a ho. What? Decided because Denim cheated on me that all of a sudden I wanted to be a slut? Wanted to sleep around? How? He had power, but not that much power.

Not as much power as Mr. Bill.

“I was watching... Cinderella. The one with Brandy... he walked over and whispered in my ear. Valerie was right in the kitchen. You remember how our house was set up?”

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