Page 55 of Saint Baptiste 2

“I shook my head. “Mm, mm. I’m done. I can’t—I have to?— “

“What do you mean you’re done? You’re done? Done with what?”

“This shit!” I yelled. “You! Them! All of it. I told you… I told you to leave me alone, but you kept,” I looked off and shook my head. “You wouldn’t leave me alone Sage. You never will. You’ll never stop fucking with me. Not when it comes to this. You just.. keep fucking pushing me, bro.”

“I’m sorry, Kiki! I said I was sorry,” she cried. “I’ll call you tomorrow and?— “

“Tomorrow I’ll have a new number. And you might as well get rid of that spare key,” I interrupted, before wiping my face with the back of my hands. “I really wish Jordan was here. I really, do.”

I turned to leave. I couldn’t believe I let her get away with so much. I mean, what the fuck was wrong with me? I let her treat me like shit. I gave Sage so much. I catered to what she needed all of the time but never, had I truly catered to what I needed. My whole life had been about them. I needed to live for me. I had to show up for me. I had to fix me. I had to love me. There was no one coming to save me.

I had to be okay with never getting an apology. I had to fix what he did. I was responsible for that. It wasn’t my fault… what happened. It wasn’t my fault. Wasn’t Sage’s fault neither. But it was my fault to fix it. My fault to heal. I had to get rid of the ‘cancer’.

“You’re just going to leave me? You… please don’t leave,” she cried, following behind me.

And there it was.

The thing I was afraid of.

That timid little bird.

Her fragility. She did it. Her voice softened and she… she did it. She played on the love I had for her. That’s what she did. I saw it. I could see clearly. That’s what Sage always did. And I let her because I fucking loved her.

No.

Not only because I loved her but because I needed her.

I didn’t have anybody. No one in my family, I didn’t. I held on to her because I wanted to hold on to a piece of me. A piece of my lineage. A piece of where I came from. I succumbed to that part of her because I was afraid she would leave me if I didn’t, and I didn’t want to be alone. But wasn’t I alone anyway? Hadn’t she left me anyway? After everything I sacrificed. Didn’t she abandon me still?

When I got in the car, I cried so hard my body shook. Thank God I had tinted windows. Thank God, she couldn’t see me. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of truly seeing me break. It wasn’t about vulnerability. She just… she didn’t deserve to see me release. That’s what today was about. Releasing.

CHAPTER 14

SAINT

“Thanks sis, I appreciate you coming through. That put a little sunshine in her day for sure,” I said as I embraced Sienna.

“Of course,” She said with a smile.

Samuel’s funeral ended about hours ago. The burial was a burial. He was carried by all six of his brothers. Blaise and I sat out. Not because we had animosity toward him, but because that was what Samuel wanted—to be carried to his grave by the men who carried him in life. Poetic. At least he had a heart for them muthafuckas.

Damn near the whole family had come into town. Because it was so many of us, I booked a venue for the repass. It was more like a family reunion than anything. The only person missing was Jah. Which... was expected. However, Sienna showed up with niece and nephew. For that, I was grateful. Made sure to extend love and gratitude to Jah, for allowing that to happen as soon as I seen sis ‘nem walk through the door. The smile that put on my ma’s face remined me of the one Jah walking through the door at breakfast use to give her. She had all of her grandchildren with her today, on a day that she needed them most.

“How have you been holding up? You been okay?” She sincerely asked.

My eyebrows lightly knitted. “Hell yeah, I been straight.” Laughing, I asked, “Why you ask that?”

It had been a week since Samuel passed away and in that time, I spent a lot of time reflecting. Most of it was done alone, late at night. Still hadn’t slept. Slept less now than I did before. But, I managed. Jacqueline set me up with this IV therapy company a few days ago. A tech came out and administered fluids and supplemental energy. Said she didn’t like the bags underneath my eyes. At least that was the only thing she had to complain about. I had been proficient in everything but sleep. Had to be. Had to keep busy. A lot of shit had been brought to the forefront over the past couple of months. A lot of trauma. A lot of buried memories.

I didn’t like it.

Hated reflecting. Reflecting made the grieving process difficult. I hated the nigga. I guess, in hindsight, that wasn’t too bad, huh? Shit made me understand Jahad more. Hated him because the way I was... the way I operated, it was because of him. I blamed him for everything. Not really everything. Just blamed him for losing her. I spent a lot of time in the past. Spent too much time thinking about the what if’s. Spent too much fucking time in regret.

Since the last time I saw her, I had been. I couldn’t live in the past. Couldn’t dwell on the what if’s. Couldn’t beat myself up for fumbling. I fucked up, I fucked up. Living with regret, living inside of that illusion... that shit had done nothing for me. I was grateful... hopeful too.

Sienna lightly giggled. “No reason,” she lied, straight through her teeth. “No, but I asked because... I don’t know Saint. You’ve been quiet all night. Over here in your little bubble. It’s not like you to not work a room. Even if it is full of family.”

“Damn sis,” I shook my head and threw my hands up. “I mean shit. Pops did just die.”

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