Page 54 of It Never Was

"Ready to play?" The feeling of his calloused fingertips skims up my thigh and I turn all my feelings off. I tell myself to go numb. Like I have taught myself to do over the years. With all of the friend's mommy has brought home that sneak in my room to play.

Letting my mind go to a different place, any place but here.

Shuffling sounds as what I think must be his shoes and a belt hits the floor next to the bed.

I am not here. I am not here.

My mind searches for a place, a field of long grass. I lay my mind to rest there, letting my thoughts escape into the long green blades. My senses are replaced with fresh air and a warm breeze. No more alcohol stinging my nose, or the sight of stained teeth as they nip at my jaw.

But I feel myself getting pulled back into the dark room. Every movement he makes pulls me back more and more. The sound of skin hitting skin and burning pain is too much tonight and I can't fully let my mind leave this room.

I don't want to be here. I can't take this.

I can't help the scream that leaves my throat, a hand clasps across my mouth before the voice can echo through the house.

Hot air is in my ear, "Shh, you wouldn't want your mom to get jealous now, would you?" He chuckles softly, "You know how she gets when I play games with you and not her."

Tears stream down my face as the movements pick up pace, I can't escape!

My body jolts up from the mattress, the feeling of sweating dripping down my chest, my heaving breaths try to take up as much air into my lungs as possible. I scan the room, the same room I was just in, in my dream. Same room but different.

I wasn't ten years-old anymore, but I was still battling the same demons.

The air makes me shiver as it hits my damp skin, causing the room to feel colder. I grab the blanket and curl up into a ball not ready to close my eyes just yet. I know that man isn't here, that it was just a memory playing in my dreams. But my body and mind can't stop the onset of panic now coursing through my veins.

I'm not confident I can even go back to sleep at this point.

I drag the blanket under my chin, steadying my breathing and braving a slow blink. No vision comes and my shoulders start to relax.

I lay there with my eyes shut, knowing sleep won't come but welcoming the silence, and hoping for at least more rest even if it's just lying here awake, with my eyes closed.

30

Ryen

As per the new "usual" routine for the last couple of weeks, I see Parker leaning on the back door of the shop awaiting my arrival as I turn into the Morning Cup parking lot. I rush to my parking spot, grabbing my things out of the car and scurry my way into work. I don't want to make Parker wait any longer than necessary, he has his own job to do and it's not the title of Ryen's Personal Bodyguard.

"I have told you every shift Parker. You don't have to wait for me. I'm fine." I say as he shifts his tall frame to make room for me to pass through the doorway.

"And I tell you every shift, I don't mind. I like knowing you're safe. There are some real freaks out there." I hear the door click into place and he adjusts the lock. "And not in the fun way." He adds with a chuckle.

I can't help the way my eyes widen. I turn with a shocked look on my face to Parker. He jokes but never crudely, at least not with me yet. I guess this is where it starts huh?

"Don't tell me I offended you?" his small smile dropping at the corners slightly. His back leaning against the back door, his arms lazily crossed in front of him.

Is he really worried that I am?

"No." I glance away slightly faking disappointment as I hold back my chuckle, "I am just bummed the freaks on the loose aren't that fun kind, is all. My mom lied to me all this time." I grin at him.

The corners of his mouth turn back up showing me how delighted he is for the banter. And it sets butterflies soaring through my stomach.

"I really need to talk to this mother of yours. She seems to have a bad habit of lying." The dry humor makes my mouth slightly fall open.

Oh, we are those kinds of friends now.

He makes his way towards me, stopping for a second to nudge my chin with his knuckle. The small touch sends heat through me. I bask in it for a second before the shame sinks in.

"Mothers, what can you do?" I shrug a-matter-of-factly, swallowing down the guilt in me, starting the short walk to the front to clock in and then make my way to the back to discard my things to start work. Passing by Parker at the workstation in the center of the kitchen I lean in and watch his hands at work as they roll pastry dough into croissant perfection.

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