Page 92 of Antidote

“I miss her.” I have to say it because it’s true, even if I don’t want to bond with him right now. “So much.”

“She was always yelling at me over the way I treated you,” he replies sadly. “I should’ve listened to her. I should’ve been a better dad to you, but if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

There’s a moment of silence that’s so deafening, I squirm. After all these years, he finally gave me what I’ve always wanted. A genuine apology—the one thing I have never expected from him. My heart gives a hard thump against my chest and speeds up, skipping several beats before settling back down. I know I should reject him. God knows he’s put me through enough bullshit for a lifetime.

Instead, I find myself saying, “I’m sorry too—for the part I played in Lucy’s death.”

Dad nods, sniffing. His hands twist in his lap, his fingers fidgeting.

“But I forgive you, Dad,” I say, surprising myself more than him, honestly. “I just ask that when the time comes, you don’t get in the way anymore.”

He looks at me, his eyes wide. “You’re going back to him?”

“Eventually.” I nod, pursing my lips. I wish it could be right now. But there are some things I need to do first. “In a year, if he’ll have me.”

Number one: keep my sobriety in check. I can’t be the person I need to be for Hunter and myself if I’m deep in my addiction the way I used to be. I have to beat this. I have to get through it. I don’t want to be the person I become with Oxy in my system.

Number two: I need to better myself. Hunter is getting drafted, and I need to make something of myself before I can offer him any part of me. I want to at least try to make it in the art world. Will I achieve that in a year? Probably not—although I’ll never know unless I try.

And finally, number three: I want to fix myself without depending on someone else to do it for me. I know Hunter means well, however I don’t ever want him to have to put me back together again, not the way he did when I relapsed. I need to do this by myself, for myself.

“He’ll have you.” Conrad purses his lips. “And I’ll…get used to it. I can’t say I won’t have reservations, but I’ll keep my mouth shut and support you both the best I can.”

“We don’t expect perfection.” I smile.

“I’ll try my best for you,” he replies, returning my smile.

He scoots closer to me until our shoulders are brushing and then drapes an arm over them, pulling me in. I rest my head on his shoulder and stare at my mom’s headstone. This isn’t at all what I envisioned for today, but I can’t deny I needed this more than I’d care to admit.

“Oh, and I forgive you too,” he says softly, his voice cracking.

“I love you, Dad.” I bite my bottom lip to keep it from quivering. I’ve been such a fucking mess since the breakup. Everything is making me emotional.

“I love you too, son.”

And that’s how we spend the rest of the evening—talking, joking, laughing.

It’s the closest I’ve ever felt to him.

ONE YEAR LATER…

Iwalk through the tunnel after the game is over, stopping midway to give a kid my hockey stick. He looks so excited, a grin splitting his face as his dad reaches for it, and I smile back. That may be the only genuine smile I’ve had today, and even though we just won and I scored in overtime…I’m not as happy as I should be. In fact, I’m not happy at all. I worked so hard for this, yet I would trade it all in a heartbeat for one person. Most of my dreams coming true haven’t been worth it, especially when there’s an Ollie-sized hole in my chest that I can’t fill. It doesn’t matter that I finally have the life I’ve always wanted, because dreams mean nothing without him. I have no one to share it with. I don’t have him.

There’s a swarm of reporters in the hallway on the way to the locker room, and I sigh as they corner me. Backing up against the wall, I look at the lady with the brown hair and blue eyes. She keeps looking me up and down with a hungry gaze, and I cringe slightly. I haven’t been with anyone since Ollie. Not even to have sex. I’ve been celibate for a fucking year, and I guess I’m incapable of going to a bar for a hookup. I need an emotional connection, and the problem is that I don’t want it with anyone else. Guess I’ll be single forever. Or at least until I get Ollie back. If he’ll even have me at this point.

“Hunter, how do you feel about the big win tonight?” she asks me, an expectant look on her face. Her eyes shine with interest, and I glance away.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty special night for the team. We worked really hard for this, and I’m sure the guys are excited.”

“How does it feel to have scored the overtime goal?” She grins, and I slightly return the smile since I’m on fucking national television. But all I want to do is leave.

“I feel pretty lucky to have been a part of the game tonight, and hopefully we keep it going.”

“You’re so humble, Hunter.” She raises her eyebrows. “What do you have to say to your fans tonight?”

I look right at the camera and smile. “I’m grateful for every single one of you and the endless support.” I fidget a little with my hands. “New York feels like home now. Thank you.”

I nod at the reporter, and before she can say another word, I walk away faster. I all but run to the locker room, where the guys are already half-naked, and the coach is giving us a speech about being fucking winners. It makes me smile, and I sit on a bench to unlace my skates. My body is drenched in sweat, and I wipe my forehead with my arm. I need a shower, so I turn to my locker and grab my new underwear and suit, readying for when I get out, except my phone starts to vibrate incessantly.

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