Page 168 of Sin Like the Devil

Surprise sparks in me. Xander hasn’t even confirmed it to me. Not when I witnessed him thrashing in his sleep for the first time. Not when I questioned his diagnosis. Not even when the Z wing clinicians weaponised his past to break him.

He refused to break.

Or even acknowledge his trauma.

“Do you?”

“Just a th-theory. Someone hurt h-him.” She continues to tremble in my arms. “Like y-your sister was hurt.”

“Yeah. They did.” I swallow thickly. “When I saw his scars, I had a hunch. No one becomes fascinated by pain without experiencing it.”

“So y-you wanted to h-help him?” Ripley guesses, her teeth-clacking gradually easing. “To p-protect him.”

“Yes, like I couldn’t protect Daisy. It’s fucked. I know.”

“No.” She shakes her head in a quick, curt jerk. “It’s not. Y-You just wanted to do right.”

With nothing but her breath and cold skin to hold me in reality, I can’t find the heart to lie. The likelihood of us ever leaving here is non-existent. She may as well know what kind of monster she’s dying with.

“I had no idea what was happening to Daisy. It went on under my nose for years.” My voice catches. “I didn’t protect her. I didn’t even see her pain until it was too late. She needed someone to keep her safe.”

“It w-wasn’t your fault.”

“Perhaps not. But failing her was my fault. In a twisted way… I figured that if I could help Xander, if I could be his friend and keep him safe… maybe Daisy would forgive me for letting her down.”

“Nox.” Her tone enters dangerous territory.

“I know how stupid it sounds. But when I realised that management was interested in Xander’s mind… I resolved to do anything to protect him.”

She’s quiet, no doubt aware of what comes next.

“He has no family, no life or career. It would be so easy for him to disappear into their program. And with that much damage? Xander was an easy target. I needed a way to make him untouchable.”

“Like by making h-him a stooge,” Ripley finishes.

“Yeah. If we worked for them, then maybe they’d leave him alone. That couldn’t happen while someone else held the role. I needed to remove the obstacle first.”

It feels so wrong to be justifying why I killed someone she cared about while holding her in my arms. Like I’m giving her no choice but to listen. But the speck of light left inside me wants her to know. Needs her to know. This was never about hurting her for fun.

“Holly didn’t deserve what I did to her,” I admit before I can change my mind. “She was a means to an end. I didn’t care that her death would hurt others. I was selfish and single-minded.”

“For someone you l-loved,” she surmises.

“You don’t have to pretend to understand.”

“I w-wish I was pretending.” Her face is damp with tears against my chest. “When I g-got you and Xander s-sent to the Z wing… I did it for h-her. The person I loved and didn’t protect. You were my m-means to an end.”

And there we are.

We’ve been waging a war for the exact same fucking reason all along.

Hatred. Love. Family.

“You know, I can’t even say I blame you for doing that to us. I’ve spent too long consumed by hatred and revenge not to understand the madness it pushes you into.”

“The same m-madness that l-love creates, right?”

A short laugh lights my chest. “Right.”

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