Page 17 of Sin Like the Devil

Goodnight.

One scrambled set of brains on the hard concrete, and it’s game over. They must’ve been well-connected to even get access to a rooftop. Hearing that news brought my precarious arrangement into sharp focus.

The power my position provides may be keeping me alive right now, but I’m not the only one feeding this toxic machine of exploitation and abuse. Every institute has one of me.

Have you figured out what I am yet?

No spoilers…

Studying the lurid selection of pills in the paper cup, I quickly swallow them down then stick out my tongue to be inspected. The nurse dismisses me with a waved hand.

“Next!”

I’m not on their radar. If I wanted to kill myself, I could do it a lot more quickly and efficiently than by stashing my meds. I haven’t lasted this long only to go and throw it all away now. Annihilation isn’t my end game here. Survival is, plain and simple.

Watching Rae take her medication, it’s obvious the staff are keeping a keen eye on her. I’m pretty sure that she wound up in here after a serious attempt on her life. And here I am, wilfully arming her with more ammunition to continue harming herself.

You can hate me.

It still won’t compare to how much I hate myself.

“Gross.” Rae shudders, sparing me a puzzled look. “What are you staring at?”

I roll my eyes at her. “None of your business.”

“Weirdo. You eat already?”

“Yeah, I’ve got my session with Doctor Galloway. You off to class?”

Flicking fiery auburn hair over her shoulder, she shrugs. “Maybe. You get my next shipment?”

Shame curling around my internal organs like a poisonous cancer that I’ll never hope to cure, I nod back.

“Slipped under your door.”

“Sweet. What do I owe you?”

“The usual.”

Bouncing on her feet, she’s eager to escape. “Can I get you later?”

Glancing around, I ensure no one is listening. Rae is the only exception I’ll make to my own personal rules. Call it sentiment or stupidity, but I care about her. Even if I’d never admit it out loud.

“Not like I’m going anywhere.”

“You’re the best, Rip.”

Trust me, I’m really fucking not.

At the promise of a fresh stash of razor blades, her face has transformed. The heavy weight of defeat has evaporated, like darkness lifting after a solar eclipse to reveal the cold light of day once more.

My coping mechanism is detachment. But Rae’s? It’s the power to inflict pain so great, it offers a twisted form of relief. We are night and day yet bound by the same infallible sickness that trapped us in this purgatory together.

Rushing away to skip class and lock herself in the bathroom until she blunts her newest toys, I’m left with the gut-punching pain of knowing whatever damage she inflicts, I shall forever bear the responsibility. Everything I’ve done is at the expense of her slow death along with all the others I’ve armed to destroy themselves.

Walking past the remaining patients picking up their morning meds, I meet a few eyes, taking note of their visible fear and respect. Both emotions inextricably entwined. Luka, an anorexic from the sixth floor, even steps out of line to open the exit door for me.

Doctor Galloway’s office is located on the left side of the north wing, past admin rooms filled with dull-eyed staff and the heavy guard presence lingering in the reception area. I’m early as usual.

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