Page 55 of Sin Like the Devil

Slamming a hand on the stop button, I wait for the track to slow. “Look, Raine. I’m glad you’re alright. But me giving you those pills doesn’t mean we’re friends.”

“Ouch.” He chuckles.

“Leave me alone.”

“I was hoping we could talk,” Raine offers placatingly. “About you taking on a new customer.”

A fresh burst of anger shoots through me. I’m here, battling tooth and nail to get control of myself, while he’s sniffing around for more gear. The painful fizzing in my limbs only heightens my disgruntlement.

“Hey, Ripley,” I mimic his deep, rattling voice. “You wanna take pity on me and help me continue to kill myself?” I return my voice to normal. “Sure, Raine. Why not? I have no morals and don’t care. Give me your money.”

Head tilting, it almost feels like his covered eyes are following me as I shakily climb off the treadmill. My entire body is drenched with sweat, and my legs can barely hold my weight. But still, it isn’t enough.

I’ve pushed way past my comfort zone. I know this isn’t a healthy way to cope with these emotional spikes, but it was this or do something truly destructive like hurl myself down the staircase, convinced that if I want it enough, I’ll be able to fly. The intrusive thought did cross my mind.

“Did I hit a nerve?” Raine asks.

“You know, I used to be more than this.” I scoff at my own bitterness. “I had a life. An apartment and studio. Friends. What the fuck would they think of the person I’ve become?”

Suddenly furious, I don’t care that he’s getting a front row seat to witness my unravelling. The cocky son of a bitch has never had much trouble reading me anyway. Maybe if he gets to know the real me, he’ll stay away. We can forget this weird kinship ever happened.

“I’m so sick of being the person people call when they want to kill themselves. My survival isn’t worth it.”

Raine’s head shifts as though his eyes are brushing over me. “Like it or not, you’ve survived. Haven’t you?”

“What if I don’t deserve to?” I counter.

He shrugs. “Few of us rarely get what we deserve. At some point, you have to stop caring, and just take what you’re given.”

Tears mix with the sweat still dripping down my face. The floodgates are down, and any scrap of self-preservation has deserted me. Right now, I want to give in to every last reckless thought racing through my mind at lightning speed.

“Is that what you do? Take what you’re given?”

He gestures towards his eyes. “Like I’ve had any other choice.”

Memories bubble to the surface. Being sat down by the social worker as a terrified child and told that my mum was dead, not even a year after we lost Dad. Leaving an empty house full of packed boxes behind. News reports. Sympathy cards. Bereavement therapy and child counsellors.

None of them ever cracked through the lake of ice I quickly erected around my heart. Losing people hurt less that way. Until Holly came along with her sharp tongue and possessive friendship, refusing to let me tread water alone for a moment longer. Somehow, she tunnelled through the trenches surrounding my heart and set up camp.

It changed nothing.

Death stole her from me too.

“Well, I refuse to live like that,” I deadpan.

“Rip—”

“No! All I’ve done is take what I’m given! My parents left me. I have an uncle who incarcerated me the moment I embarrassed him. My best friend was bullied to death. And if I don’t do as the warden says, I won’t be far behind her.”

Chest heaving, my feet carry me over to Raine of their own volition. I stop directly in front of him, shaking with fury, exhaustion and the fiery riptide of emotion that’s loosened my tongue.

He’s one of them. An enemy. So why does the sound of his heartbroken violin keep me awake at night? Why did I sacrifice my own supply to fund his addiction? Why the fuck do I care about this person?

Because despite all the shit I’ve seen, I still wasn’t strong enough to plug the final cracks in my heart. Raine has managed to sneak in too with those damned smirks and snippets of vulnerability hidden behind a cocky demeanour. He found my weakness.

Well, fuck him.

I’ll do the exact same bullshit to him.

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