Page 16 of Better Than Expected

She never –

“Hey, you okay?” Caroline asked, her voice right next to Hannah’s ear.

She jumped, feeling that warm breath washing over her, down her neck, and sending that hot feeling spiraling through her body. The one she’d only ever experienced from Caroline.

She startled, sliding her hand from her eyes over her racing heart. “Oh! I, uh…” She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, before shaking her head. Then nodding. “Yes, I’m okay. Just, I just have a little bit of a headache.”

“You want to head home? We can just grab the first good looking pumpkins we see and leave?” Caroline offered, with that concerned look in her eyes. So, so sweet.

The attraction she felt for Caroline was unparalleled. The feelings she kept a tight lid on as best she could grew stronger every single day, and whenever Caroline gave her this kind of look – spoiler? She did so, often – the very fibers of Hannah’s being begged her to give in. They railed against her self-control when it came to Caroline, asking her why not?

She gave Caroline a smile and shook her head again, all too aware of how close they were as she shifted back and forth on her feet. She’d been very conscientious to not touch in the last week, for very obvious reasons.

“No, no it’s okay. I’m okay.”

The look Caroline gave her was all too knowingly doubtful, but she reluctantly acquiesced as Abbie shouted from a bit in the distance, “Caroline! This one is the biggest! Let’s get it!”

“Soooo demanding!” Caroline shouted over her shoulder toward Abbie playfully, winking at Hannah.

She managed a weak smile in response as Caroline turned to march over to Abbie and very seriously inspect the pumpkin together.

And she watched them, answering those thoughts.

That is why not. That right there… was why not.

Because Caroline? She was the forever kind of woman; it was what she was looking for, by her very own admission in several conversations, and Hannah just didn’t believe in forevers, anymore.

And even if she could get over that to give it a go – she heard Abbie’s loud giggle at the way Caroline grabbed her with mock-desperation and lightly shook her shoulders, commanding that she treat the pumpkins with respect – she wasn’t the only one who would get hurt when it went wrong.

November 12 – Last Year

Hannah didn’t quite know what possessed her to say it on Caroline’s birthday. To say her mother’s sacred birthday ritual to her – “Anything you want, within my power, is yours,” Betty would say.

Hannah didn’t even do it on Abbie’s birthday. She didn’t know why; perhaps it was because her daughter generally got whatever she wanted on her birthday, in a much more traditional birthday setting? Abbie didn’t have to make a particular wish the way Hannah had in her youth, because she got to go on real vacations and take day trips and have all of the experiences Hannah wished for her.

But as she watched Caroline slip into her jacket as she was leaving on the night of her birthday, Hannah felt… swept up in it all.

Swept up in Caroline, when she didn’t even do anything. Nothing out of the ordinary for her, anyway.

Caroline gave herself to everyone and got so little in return. Sure, Hannah made her dinner. And the cookies she remembered Caroline enjoying from the first time they’d met – that… well, that was a whole other thing.

But it wasn’t enough.

And here was Caroline, smiling and telling Hannah that she had a good time. Smiling with her face – her perfect, perfect face – healing from all the bruising and the small cuts, with her wrist still in a brace, and every single time Hannah had seen Caroline for the last two weeks had been so painful.

Seeing Caroline hurt like that on Halloween, it had broken something down in Hannah. That was where it all started. Her resolve had been so strong, but it had started breaking down when she’d walked into Caroline’s apartment and wanted nothing more than to tear apart the man who’d hurt her while taking care of Caroline at the same time.

It was an urge unlike anything she’d ever felt in her life, and in the weeks since, Hannah often felt like she was powerless to stop herself from getting even closer. No matter how bad the consequences would be.

And she felt it again, now. The desperate want to be so close to Caroline, as she offered, “Whatever you want, within my power, is yours.”

She echoed her mom’s words to the woman in front of her, but she felt such a different meaning with them. She wanted to give Caroline the world. But if all that could mean right now was something small Caroline asked for… then, so be it.

Caroline looked at her intently for a long moment, dark eyes searching hers as she let out a sigh.

A sigh that Hannah couldn’t give a name to, but it made something leap inside of her. Something wanting.

That happened far, far too much.

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