Page 68 of Embers

“I would like to come, but I can’t. One of us needs to stay here to take care of things. I can definitely hold my own, but Jackson is the real fighter. You’ll be better off with him.” As if she predicted my next question, she adds, “We both can leave if Kate and Miguel are available to run things in our absence. But their baby is due in just a couple of weeks, so it could happen any day now. I don’t want to put the pressure of overseeing the farm on them right now.” She sighs, her eyes resting on Jackson, who’s talking with Grant and Olivia near the Jeep. “I always hate it when he leaves me, especially on a dangerous trip, but he knows to be careful. And we’ve agreed to not be selfish with each other if other people need our help. We don’t want to live like that.”

“Yeah. That makes sense. I like that. It’s still got to be hard.” I honestly can’t help it. My eyes slide over toward Cal. I know how hard it is to give up control of a loved one, since for so long I’ve had to relinquish any claim on Cal, even knowing whether he lives or dies.

“He’s still in love with you.” Faith’s voice has gotten softer. “You know that, right?”

“I know.”

“And it seems like he’s done a lot of good while he was gone. He’s evidently taken jobs all over, wherever he found people who needed help. He wouldn’t take payment for them the way he used to.”

I swallow hard. “I didn’t know that. I had no idea what he was doing.” Part of me wondered if he would just hunker down somewhere, eking out a miserable existence and doing nothing except barely staying alive.

“He’s apparently been helping out Mack a lot.”

“What? Mack never said anything about it!”

“Cal asked him not to, and Mack always keeps his word.”

“Oh.”

I have no idea what to think of any of this. I’m so used to hearing bitterness toward Cal from Faith.

She must realize this. “I’m still mad at him for what he did to you. I get his reasoning, but he did it the wrong way. He could have done something else to make sure you got your freedom and more choices. But he did… better while he was gone than I expected him to do. And don’t you dare tell anyone else, but I kind of feel bad for him. He loves you so much, and he’s so convinced he doesn’t deserve you that he sabotaged his chance to be with you.”

I twist my mouth in an attempt to suppress a surge of emotion.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad!” Faith reaches out and gives me a quick hug. “I thought it might help. To know what you loved in him was really there. That all you poured into him wasn’t for nothing. You changed him for the better, as much as he ever changed you.”

I nod and contort my features to keep from crying and can’t get out any words. So many feelings I haven’t allowed myself to acknowledge in six months are all rising up. Shuddering inside me.

“Be safe out there.” Faith gives me another hug. “I’m expecting all of you to come back.”

Before I can get my voice to work again, she’s already made her way over to say goodbye to Jackson.

Gail comes over to me then with a grin. “You ready to do this thing?”

“I’m ready.”

I take a quick glance back toward Cal and unexpectedly catch his eyes.

His gaze holds me—traps me—for a long stretch of moments until I finally look away.

* * *

The day is long and hard and nerve-wracking, but we get through it with no problems other than some engine trouble in Mack’s pickup that Cal and Jackson are able to take care of.

When it’s starting to get dark, we find a secluded clearing to make camp for the night. We’re in the middle of nowhere on the eastern edge of Kentucky, and we haven’t seen another person in hours.

The farther east we go, the fewer people we find. That’s the way it’s been since Impact. The coast has been uninhabitable until just recently, and most communities are migrating toward the middle of the country where there are far more people and resources and infrastructure. Even two years ago there were more people in these regions. Now most of them are gone.

The town we’re going to help would have migrated too, but they’re too old and infirm to make the trip. For a long time, only the strong were allowed to survive, but it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.

We don’t have to let that be our final answer.

I’m tired but restless, so I volunteer to take one of the first shifts as a perimeter guard. My emotions are all in an uproar after the conversation with Faith this morning. I didn’t see Cal much at all today, but I always knew he was there. Not very far behind me.

I don’t know what to do about him. Forgive him? Avoid him? Ask him to disappear again? None of the answers are easy or feel right.

The best thing would be to stop loving him, but that’s simply not going to happen.

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