Page 91 of Homestead

“Why are you sorry?”

“Sorry for actin’ like this. For upsettin’ you so much. The confusion is all my fault.”

“No, it’s not.” If I’m sure of anything, it’s that I’m part of the blame for all this too. I’ve always been so scared and insecure. I’ve always felt so helpless. I’m probably too clingy. I’ve tried too hard to be exactly what he wants instead of being real with him.

He’s always made it clear he wants me to be real, but I’ve been too scared to do it.

“Yeah, it is,” he mutters. “At least most of it is. You’re right about our agreement. You didn’t get it wrong. That’s what I offered you. That’s all I offered. It’s not that I wasn’t hopin’ for more. But it all felt so… so weird. So it was easier to focus on the practical. I’ve never been good at relationships. Mary used to tell me all the time I got to say what I’m thinkin’ instead of always keepin’ it to myself. But I… I’m bad at that. So I assumed you knew. I kept hopin’ you were feelin’ what I was feelin’ so maybe I wouldn’t need to… to really open up.”

I stare at him, breathless and excited and shaking again. I don’t exactly know what he’s trying to say, but it’ssomething.

Something important.

He’s never talked like this to me before.

He clears his throat and drops his eyes the way he always does when he’s uncertain. “At first it was just the arrangement. I mean, I really needed a woman, and you were the prettiest thing I ever saw in my life. So I thought… well, maybe that’ll work.”

“I understood that. Not about the pretty thing, but about the rest of it. I was never expecting anything else.”

“I know. I see that now. You kept thinkin’ it while I was thinkin’ maybe we were… we were feelin’ more.”

I gasp. “You were feeling more?”

He shifts from foot to foot. Avoids my eyes for a few seconds before he finally holds my gaze. “Well, yeah. Didn’t you know that?”

“I thought we were just… just getting used to each other. Making the arrangement work.”

He nods. “Yeah. I get that. And I can see now what I couldn’t before—that you kept goin’ way out of your way to please me ’cause you were scared I’d change my mind. That’s why you hardly ever argue with me and you have sex no matter how you’re feelin’ and you work so hard to make our home so nice. And I feel like total shit right now ’cause I realize I been takin’ advantage of you. Of your fear.”

“No! No, it’s not like that at all!”

“Isn’t it?” His mouth twists ruefully. “So you’re sayin’ you did all that for me just ’cause you want it from the bottom of your heart?”

“Because I was trying to be a good partner to you! I didn’t think that was wrong.”

“It wasn’t wrong. But I shoulda… I shoulda seen it more clearly sooner. I kept tellin’ myself maybe you really do love givin’ blow jobs, but that wasn’t it, was it?”

“I do love giving?—”

“So every time you’ve done that for me you’ve wanted it for yourself?” He sounds dry and tired and knowing.

Resigned.

I start to answer but can’t force the word out. Because it’s not true.

Of course every single time I haven’t wanted it just for me. Only this morning I forced myself to do it when I was feeling sick and then I made sure he wouldn’t recognize it.

I knew it wasn’t right. To either one of us. But I did it anyway because I was so scared.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I guess… I guess I should have trusted you more than that. But I?—”

“But you had no reason to think it was anything more than our transactional agreement because I never opened my mouth to tell you.”

I nod since what he’s said is entirely true. “But the sex wasn’t all like that. I did… I did enjoy it.”

“Did you?”

“Yes. I did.”

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