Page 57 of Beacon

We lie in peaceful silence for a few minutes. Then Mack says, “You don’t talk about Josh much anymore.”

“I know. He used to fill my mind, even long after he was dead. But he doesn’t now. Honestly, I barely even think about him anymore. I think that’s good.”

“It is good. He never deserved even the smallest space in your head.”

I smile and find the energy to pick my head up so I can kiss him. We don’t take it very far since both of us are tired and sated.

After a few more minutes, we adjust our positions so I’m at his side and his arm is around me. We go back to sleep that way, and we don’t wake up until midmorning.

11

Three weeks later,it’s the day before I need to leave, and I really don’t want to do it.

Mack has been different ever since his breakdown during the massage. It’s like some sort of internal struggle has been resolved. He’s not the man he used to be—he’s quieter, more brooding—but that core of sweetness that’s always been at the heart of him has shown its face again.

So we’ve spent the past three weeks going through life together, doing chores around the cabin, hunting, fishing or driving to the market, and having a lot of sex.

I would have thought some of our enthusiasm might have waned after so many weeks, but it hasn’t. The sex is still as hot and wild and creative and needy as it was that very first week.

Today we went fishing in the morning and fried up our catch for lunch. I took a shower while Mack washedthe dishes, and then he took a shower while I locked up the cabin in preparation for our regular afternoon in the bedroom.

We didn’t actually make it to the bed. Mack walked out of the bathroom naked and took me right there against the wall of the hallway. Then he carried me into the bedroom and fucked me on my hands and knees at the foot of the bed while he stood beside it. At that point, he was about to lose it, so I finished him off in my mouth. We dozed contentedly for an hour or so until Mack woke up and got going again. He spent a long time on foreplay until he finally had me ride his face until I came over and over again. Feeling ambitious, I eventually leaned over so I could take him in my mouth at the same time. I usually get too distracted to do that position effectively, but I did okay today. Mack came hard into my mouth just before I came again myself.

Now we’ve collapsed back on the bed, naked and tangled together as we try to catch our breath. He’s so winded his inhales are loud and hoarse, and he moans with each exhale.

I search my mind, but I honestly can’t remember him this wiped out after sex in our relationship before this cabin. Not just physically but in a way deeper than that. Like he’s pouring himself into it in a way he never did before.

Maybe that’s part of what’s changed for me.

Or maybe it’s simply that I’ve changed myself.

Either way, I’ve had none of the fears and anxiety spirals and confusion that used to plague me whenever I used to think through our relationship.

I know what I want now, and it’s simply my bad luck that Mack needs something different.

Part of me wishes I could stay with Mack in this cabin for the rest of our lives, and he might actually agree if I suggested it. But I can’t cut myself off from the rest of the world, from my community and friendships and work and purpose. Life here might be pleasant and simple, but it’s not full. It’s not complete.

And I’m not going to accept less than I want and need from a man for the long haul—even if that man is Mack. He isn’t like Josh at all.At all. But I can’t let another man decide what happens to me the way I did in my marriage. I need to take responsibility for myself. If Mack won’t leave this isolated bubble he’s been living in, then I’ll have to leave him.

He knows it too. He hasn’t even hinted at my doing anything different.

My cheek is resting against his chest. His heart has only slowed down a little. He’s gently stroking my loose hair and my back.

I can’t believe I have to let him go tomorrow. Quite possibly forever.

He’s not sleeping. It feels like he’s contemplating, but he doesn’t share any of his thoughts. Eventually I say idly, “You don’t t suppose Logan is the one organizing the gangs at the border, do you?”

Mack lifts his head. Looks at me oddly. “You still thinking about him?”

“No, I was just?—”

“You’re thinking about him right after we have sex?” He doesn’t sound angry. Just confused and slightly hurt.

“No, Mack. Of course not. Not like that. I was thinking about tomorrow and then thinking about whatever plan Maria has in mind and then thinking about who might be organizing the gangs, and then I just wondered if it could possibly be Logan since he’s obviously a leader of some kind.” I raise my head so I can meet his gaze. He’s put his head back down on the pillow, but his eyes are resting on me. “You can’t really imagine I’d be daydreaming of someone else after the way we’ve been together these past weeks.”

He lets out a hoarse breath. “No. I wouldn’t think so. But I know we’re not… we’re not permanent. It’s only temporary. So you’re within your rights if you decide you want another man.” He clears his throat and glances away. “I just don’t… don’t want you to do that.”

My heart sinks at him confirming that our time together is coming to an end, but then it flutters unexpectedly at his halting admission. “I’m not. I told you before, and I meant it. If I ever have a man for real, it’s going to be you.”

---