Page 46 of Make Room for Love

“I think this is the gayest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Vivian said. “I mean, aside from the fact that you U-Hauled with this woman before you even realized you liked each other. I’m convinced now.”

Mira snorted. Though the reminder that she and Isabel already lived together was ominous. “What are you talking about?”

“Listen to yourself. You’re obsessed with this question of whether you want someone or want tobeher.”

“But I do want to be like Isabel. She’s amazing. I’m just saying, that doesn’t necessarily mean?—”

“Yeah, the fact that you think about how amazing she is all the time doesn’t mean anything.” Before Mira could reply, Vivian went on. “You know I’m worried about you?—”

“I know.”

“—but I do feel like it’s my responsibility to help you figure out if you like women. You know, for the community.” Mira smiled at that. “I don’t know, Mira. Do you only want to belikeher? I can’t answer that for you.”

No, Mira did not. She wanted Isabel’s bravery and integrity. But when she saw Isabel’s broad shoulders and capable hands and thick thighs, her flannel shirts and work boots, Mira didn’t want those things for herself. She wanted to strip those clothes off and feel those muscles flexing and let those strong thighs spread her legs apart…

“And for what it’s worth,” Vivian said, “you can have both. You can have everything. I mean, you can have women as friends who are there for you no matter what, and you can be around women who help you do all the things you want to be brave enough to do, and you can have your little homoerotic crushes, like you did with your professors?—”

“That’s not?—”

“—andyou can also date women and fuck them and fall in love with them, and get married, live happily ever after, have a bunch of lesbian drama, whatever. You don’t need permission from anyone. Especially not from me. You can have all that, if that’s what you want.”

Mira took a breath of chilly air. The river rippled, as unanswering as ever. Bare branches rustled overhead.

She’d gotten used to telling herself that she’d simply admired all those women from a distance. Just as the world constantly reminded her that she couldn’t demand better from the men she dated, it had tried to extinguish the part of her that ached to love women and be loved by them. But she didn’t have to accept it.

Maybe she could just have what she wanted. It sounded like the easiest and the hardest thing in the world.

It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t out of reach, either. In the last few months, something within her had changed. She waslearning to treat herself like she mattered, like what she wanted mattered. Isabel had treated her that way from the moment she’d stepped between her and Dylan at the club.Thatwas what Isabel had done for her. And Mira was finally starting to believe it, too.

“I guess I do like women,” she said. It was so obvious, in retrospect, that it hardly felt new at all. This precious part of her had been there all along.

Vivian put an arm around her as they walked. She held Mira close, almost tilting her off-balance. “Welcome.”

Mira laughed. This wasn’t a big revelation in the grand scheme of things. Transitioning in the first place had been the big upheaval in her life, and this was a small one in comparison. But she knew now that she was a woman who loved other women, and it felt good and right—like coming home to her apartment at the end of a long day.

But this left her with as many questions as answers. “I still don’t know what to do,” Mira said, leaning against her taller friend.

“About Isabel?”

Mira nodded. “It was easier when I didn’t know I liked her. I know she’s not Dylan. It’s just… I promised myself I wouldn’t date again for the foreseeable future for a reason. And, you know, I’m living in her apartment. I know it’s different, because we both pay rent and we’re both on the lease. And when she put up those shelves with me, I think I knew what she was trying to say. But ultimately, she’s older, and she makes more money than I do, and she’s just more secure in life than I am.”

Vivian didn’t argue with that. Mira sighed. “I just know that if something happened, she would survive. And I’m not sure I would. I’m scared that it would destroy me again.” She’d been afraid to voice the fear to herself, but now it was out in the open.

“Anyway, this is all presumptuous of me,” she added. Maybe she had been working herself up over nothing again. “I mean, just because Isabel hasfeelingsfor me, and I, um, I do for her, doesn’t mean anything’s going to happen. Isabel obviously has bigger problems to deal with. Maybe she just sees her feelings as a problem.” Isabel didn’t seem ashamed of being attracted to her, but the thought still hurt.

Something heated and raw and confusing had crackled between them last night. Mira could pretend it hadn’t happened. If she tried, Isabel would let her, and life would go on. But Mira wasn’t sure she wanted that, and now everything was infinitely more complicated.

Vivian squeezed her tighter. They were taking up most of the sidewalk, but Vivian was unfazed. “Whatever happens, I hope you’re not asking if it’s possible for this butch lesbian to fall in love with you and want to take care of you. Or whether you deserve it.”

Mira might have been asking herself that. “Isabel is not in love with me.”

“And you won’t be destroyed by it,” Vivian continued. “I don’t want Isabel to hurt you. But Dylan didn’t destroy you. He was just a pathetic, spineless loser at the end of the day. And, worst comes to worst, Isabel won’t, either.”

Mira stayed silent. She could believe in her own strength, more or less, on a good day. Hearing it from Vivian helped. Hearing it from Isabel had helped too. But ultimately, Mira had to believe it for herself.

“Anyway.” Vivian let go of her. Something else was coming. “Just because you like women doesn’t mean that you have to get married to the first dyke who’s nice to you and knows how to hang shelves.”

Mira laughed, but she bristled, too. “Are you saying I have low standards?”

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