Page 24 of Our Dark Winter Wish

He catches my wrist, refusing to allow me another inch of distance.

‘I cannot stand the idea of anything happening to you,’ he says. ‘I confess. It takes all I have not to bind you to the bed and lock the doors. Seal the windows. And never leave you alone for a second.’

‘Dorian. That’s not okay.’

‘I assure you I will not. I have settled for watching over you instead.’

Like that’s a perfectly reasonable compromise and stealing any privacy or moment alone is just something that I have to get used to and accept.

‘Stalking me. Following me.’ He releases my hand, and I walk past him back to the pool, where I retake my dress and slide it on. He follows but keeps his distance. ‘I’m safe, Dorian. And even if I were in trouble, you would know. You would feel it. I’m entitled to be alone sometimes.’ Dressed, I turn to face him. ‘Do you understand that? That you following me and spying on me is unacceptable?’

I can’t see his face beneath his hood. He stands there silently. I reach down so Poppy can return to the warmth of my cloak.

‘I’m going for a walk. Alone. Please. Don’t follow me.’

I start to leave, pulling the cloak around me and attempting to ignore the annoyance he’s brought with him. Every walk. Every piece of solitude. He’s been there for all of them, lurking out of sight.

My body stops as if trapped in stone, and I can’t move a muscle.

Dorian stops in front of me, my poppet doll in his grip. Ever the control freak. Even now, he has to have command over my actions. I can’t even storm off in peace.

I wait for his words. For his explanation. Or for him to tell me whyhe’sright andI’mwrong.

‘Don’t leave.’

His words are barely a whisper. They seep from beneath that hood and seem to travel the length of my spine straight to my heart. It’s a quiet but desperate plea, and coming from a monster like him, it’s unsettling. Similar to a lion meowing like a frightened kitten.

I don’t respond. I don’t say anything at all but wait for him to explain.

‘I saw you die,’ he says as if he’s confessing some shameful secret. ‘I felt it. A life without you. The hole you left behind. And then I got you back, but I still felt it. I still do. I thought death was something to fear. I believed the goddess Hel was the worst thing to happen to me. But neither compared to the moments I thought I had lost you. When I faced not seeing you ever again. When Cole took you, and I knew he was hurting you, that was still not as crushing as those moments when you were gone, and I know that if you die again, I will never get you back. And I will have nothing to live for.’

I rest my hand on his cheek, my heart and resolve to be pissed off softened by his confession. But I sense such anger ripple between us, not at me, but at the world.

‘If I lost you…’ His long fingers curl around my wrist. ‘My beautiful, wild little witch. I would have nothing left to live for.’

‘You’re not going to lose me, Dorian. And even if you did, you would survive it.’

‘Perhaps. But nothing else would survive my loss of you.’

His words feel like a threat. They come out through gritted teeth and a tense jaw as his eyes burn with a dark promise. As if he holds it against me. That I would be to blame for whatever darkness he would spread.

‘What are you saying?’ I whisper.

‘I would give into the shadows if I lost you.’

‘No. Don’t say that.’

‘I would gladly become the monster I was. Worse than the monster I was because I wouldgladlyfall into that darkness again and drown in the pull of vengeance and pain. Because then it wouldn’t be my pain I was feeling. It would belong to the souls I stole. And I would be gone. And I would destroy everything because all I loved was taken from me.’

His words make my insides cold because every one of them is his painful truth. And I’m given a terrifying realisation that I am all that stands between this monster and the world.

‘So I will follow you. And I will watch you. And I will feel everything you feel even though you asked me not to. I will be your shadow for the rest of time. Because I have finally found peace, and I will not lose it. I will either be your shadow master. Or I will be their end. There is no in-between. There is no other choice.’

I should be angry at his confession. At his decree that I will never know a moment of solitude again because his darkness is my responsibility.

But I’m not. I should be, but I’m just… not.

I’m honoured and desired. Protected and coveted. All the things I never had before these three crazy beings came into my life. And as I look up at him, my darkness incarnate, death encased in such a beautiful form, I know.

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