Page 94 of On Circus Lane

“Hey,” I reply awkwardly as I grab Ivy’s case and hand it to her, staggering slightly at the weight. “Have you got a dead body in there?”

She shrugs. “No. It’s probably the piece of your brain which I’m pretty sure is missing at the moment.”

“What?”

She just rolls her eyes.

I turn to Tom. “So?” I slide my hands into my jeans pockets, feeling suddenly awkward and very aware that Ivy, Jack, and Steven are all watching us. “This is it.”

He scratches his head, a flush on his beautiful face. “Yeah, can I just?—?”

“So, I’ll say goodbye,” I say, breaking in abruptly with a feeling of horror.

My body seems to be operating independently, because instead of saying I’ll miss him, I find myself holding out my hand. He blinks and slides his into mine, and then his mouth falls open as I shake it briskly.

“Well, it was very nice to meet you,” I say in a far too cheery voice. His eyes have widened. “Thanks for driving. See you soon.” Panicking, I drop his hand and stride away.

I don’t look back, and Ivy is at my heels as I open the door to the building and walk in. I propel us determinedly up the stairs, ignoring her puffing complaints, and open the door to the flat. I pull her inside and slam the door behind us as if we’re characters in a Stephen King film, and this is a safe place.

I stand still as awareness returns. “Ohshit,” I say faintly.

“Oh mygod.” Ivy stares at me with her mouth open.

“I know. What have I done?”

“Oh my god, you shook hishand.”

“Iknow.” My voice gets higher, and I run my fingers through my hair. “Oh shit.”

“You said it was nice to meet him. What wasthatabout?”

“I don’t know. I just panicked, and everyone was looking at us, and so I…”

“Shook his hand.”

“Yes, thank you very much,” I snap. “Have you taken over as the voiceover on my life?”

“I’d need danger money to do that,” she replies tartly. “And if I did, I would be saying right now, ‘Unfortunately, listener, Bee Bannister behaved like a total twat.’”

I shake my head as if to clear it and race over to the balcony, struggling with the lock. I fling the doors open, ready to shout down and invite Tom in, but the car is gone, and the car park is empty.

I turn around. “He’sgone,” I say unhappily.

“Oh, Bee.” I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

The flat is silent. The only noise is the hum of the fridge and Ivy’s soft breaths. There are no voices raised in laughter, no quiet chats, no twinkling eyes to meet mine, and no wonderful adventures to be had with him.

And suddenly, I know what that wayward thought was that I couldn’t grasp. I’d worried that he’d hurt me if we got together. I should have worried that I’d hurt myself by forcing us apart.

Chapter Thirteen

TOM

“He shook my hand,” I say in disbelief.

I look around the table, groaning under the weight of Christmas dinner, and then at my family, who are watching me with mixed amounts of concern and hilarity. Outside, the snow falls thickly onto the garden where our old climbing frame still sits. I look back at them.

“Myhand,” I repeat with emphasis.

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