Page 94 of The Charade

What was he thinking right now?

Was he fine with all of this?

He'd said he wanted to dance with me tonight. That he thought I was beautiful. But was he as bothered by our predicament as I was?

I couldn't tell, because from this view, he seemed completely fine. Like it was just another fancy ball at the Hastings’s estate to him.

Ugh.

How could he be okay with all of this?

How was he not pacing the floor and feeling like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on by our parents?

"I need some air," I said, turning back to my sister.

"Do you want me to come with you?" she asked, the look in her golden-brown eyes telling me she was worried I might just be on the verge of insanity.

"I'll be fine. I'll just be a few minutes."

"Okay," she said, watching me carefully, like she thought that if she said anything else she might break me. "I'll text you if Mom comes out."

"I left my phone upstairs," I said. This dress didn't exactly have pockets. "I'll probably just go to the bathroom and then come back."

I left the ballroom, noticing Carter stepping away from the wall when he saw me through the windows, as if he was considering coming after me. But Nash gripped his brother's arm and said something that seemed to make Carter rethink his pursuit. I hurried down the hall to use the bathroom near the conservatory where Carter had taught me a few constellations one night.

I took care of business quickly and then looked at myself in the mirror. I tried to give myself a little pep talk as I adjusted my dress and washed my hands in the sink.

Everything will be fine, I told my reflection.Carter might not be the guy for you, but you'll have a dad and a stepmom and three new brothers and a sister. It might not be happening in the way you chose, but it will still be pretty great. You may not get to have the relationship you had with Carter when you started out, but at least he'll still be in your life.

I continued giving myself the best inspirational speech I could think of. The kind where I told myself that everything was happening for a reason. And even though it didn't seem like this was happening for my own good, one day I'd look back on this time and laugh at myself for thinking that being with Carter was the best path for my life when really, something else that I didn't know about yet was going to actually be the thing that gave my life the meaning and fulfillment that I’d always wanted.

I channeled my inner Oprah. I made up my own graduation speech. I repeated all the inspirational quotes that came to my mind as I tried to convince myself that being related to Carter was actually what I wanted.

But after quoting guru after guru for about three minutes straight, I still didn't feel any better.

Because I wasn't at that future point in my life where this would all make sense yet. I didn't have the hindsight that I'd have in twenty years.

I was still in the here and now. And inconveniently for me, in the here and now, my heart still raced every time I stood close to Carter. My nerve endings still burst to life with the slightest touch from the tall guy with dirty-blond hair and bright blue eyes that I wasn't supposed to fall in love with.

As I kept trying to visualize a future where I was happy and smiling as I watched Carter stand next to his faceless bride in front of all our family and friends, all I could picture was the way he'd glared at me from across the room tonight as I danced with other guys.

Was that how it was actually going to be for us from here on out? Was he going to treat me like a pariah from now on because we'd had a normal high school relationship before we knew we were related?

Were all our future family dinners going to be him just scowling at me across the table and making me wish that I'd never been anything more than an acquaintance before we found out the truth?

The years stretched out ahead of me. Years where I’d walk in a room and he’d instantly leave. Years where I would be at Cambrielle's wedding or Nash's Broadway show and Carter and his future girlfriend or wife sat on the opposite end of the aisle because he couldn't bear to be within ten feet of me.

Years where we would barely say two words to each other because he knew I'd once cared for him in a very unsisterly-like way and he was disgusted that it had ever happened in the first place.

I dropped my head forward and closed my eyes as I tried to push those images away.

I didn't want that to be my future.

I didn't want that to beourfuture.

I turned off the water, dried my hands on one of the fluffy white hand towels on the rack, and left the bathroom. But instead of heading back to the ballroom, I turned left and went into the conservatory at the very end of the hall. The room was dark, but it had a glass roof where one could look up at the night sky above.

The mid-October night was clear, not a cloud to be seen—just a full moon and stars that twinkled like diamonds against the inky-black sky. I was looking for the Big Dipper, the only constellation I could remember right now, when footsteps sounded behind me.

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