Page 107 of All at Once

I know she’s right. If anything, hearing myself out loud makes me realize how incredibly stupid I sound for basically creating my own insecurity out of mere coincidences over the years.

Maybe bringing up the blonde comment was really my way of convincingmyselfI don’t actually have a chance with Luca. That way it wouldn’t feel likehe’srejectingme.

Although it’s true that most of my crushes have been blonde, and not a single one of them ever noticed my existence thus far, the problem extends beyond this.

When you constantly go unnoticed by the one person you wish would see you the way you see them, at some point you think to yourself that maybe there is something wrong withyou. I know I did. And it’sstillhard not to.

Even self-confidence has a breaking point. Until you wonder, wait a minute, there has to be a reason why no matter what I wear, what I say, or what I do, my feelings are never reciprocated. Why else is it that this one thing I want the most has been out of my reach for years?

It’s like you’re in the fucking twilight zone or something. You’re standing right there, yet everyone keeps walking right past you. As if you’re wearing an invisible cloak that’s blocking you from their orbit. Wondering when’s it my turn? My turn to fall in love.

But now I feel seen. For once. And by Luca. So of course I’m going to question it right away when all the previous shit has affected how I see myself today.

Yet the intrusive thoughts are clearly not enough to block him out completely.

That’s probably why when Enrique has to have breakfast with his parents the following morning, I’m more relieved than I am disappointed.

I send a message to Luca wondering if he wants to eat together, the first I’ve sent to him privately so far, and then make my way toward the lobby.

In hindsight, maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing to do considering how awkwardly everything shifted last night.

As I walk through the outdoor curved pathway that’s filled with all kinds of flowers, I bump into Luca, before noticing how he’s already wearing his workout apparel.

“Hey,” he says first, with a hesitant smile.

“Are you going to the gym?” I ask timidly.

“No. I was going to go for a run,” he says. “I just had breakfast and was going to get my water bottle before I leave.”

Now I’m disappointed.

“Well, have fun,” I say. “Don’t forget your sunscreen.”

Really? That’s the best I could come up with? Ugh.

A small chuckle escapes his lips. “I won’t. I mean, I will.”

Woah.He looks as nervous as I feel.

Luca exhales. “I meant I’ll have fun but won’t forget my sunscreen.” His clarification is even more awkward than my comment. But it’s almost a relief to see him a bit flustered, the tension in my back relaxing a little.

“I know what you meant,” I say with a slight smile.

He hesitates for a moment, then says, “About last night.”

And there it is…

“Oh, the almost kiss?” I say as casually as I can muster.

He slowly stretches out his response. “Yeah. That.”

Still unsure how he felt about the whole thing, I decide to downplay it. “I know we were both tired. Delirious, even.” I still want to know why he apologized for even trying to kiss me. He never said why. If it was because of his friend. Or because he realized thathedidn’t reallywant to.

“Yeah. We were exhausted,” Luca says. “I passed out as soon as I got back.”

“So did I,” I reply.

“And it’s not like we actually ended up kissing because we didn’t.”

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