Page 71 of All at Once

Blood rushes to my cheeks. “I—”

He smirks. “I’m kidding. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” When he sees my posture relax a bit, he holds a sincere gaze with my eyes and adds, “But judging by your reaction just now, it’s alsookayto like talking about sex.”

I smile timidly, his words giving me the confidence to bring up what I couldn’t before. “Last weekend at the bar, I couldn’t even repeat the sexual phrases back to you. That’s why I said ‘those things.’ How dumb is that? Just saying certain things out loud makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know why.”

“Jasmine, it’s not dumb. Like I said, you’re just not used to it.”

My eyes widen with exaggeration. “If you only knewhow muchI worry about this…”

He crosses his arms confidently, as if waiting for a challenge. “Okay, tell me the biggest thing you’re worried about.”

I pause, for a moment wondering if I should say this to him. I glance over at his understanding eyes while he looks into my vulnerable ones. Then, I realize, I’ve already said so much to him.Revealed so many fears and worries. What’sonemore? “Don’t laugh,” I request.

He reassures, “I already told you I won’t.”

My heartbeat is so loud, I’m convinced he hears it from across the room as I blurt out the sentence as quickly as I can, “What if he’s going down on me, and I don’t look or taste like he’s used to?”

Maintaining eye contact, Luca leans forward and says, “Then you look him straight in the eye and tell him to gofuck himself.”

I laugh in frustration. “I didn’t know it wasthatsimple. Thank you.”

He shrugs, while leaning back. “I’m telling you, you’re worried for nothing. No guy or girl looks the same. If he’s lucky enough to be in the presence of your—” I think he changes his previous choice of words when he sees me squirm, “to be down there, he’s not going to compare you to someone else, and if he does, he’sirrelevant.”

I exhale, releasing all the tension that just saying a question like that out loud gives me, now feeling lighter because of it. “Everything you’re saying sounds nice, but I’m worried I’ll never be comfortable with any of it. I just don’t see it happening. And I’m trying so fucking hard.” I close my eyes, the doubt returning.

When I open them back up a second later, Luca clearly looks like he’s waiting for me to gain back my composure. “Okay, then just stop trying.”Clever.By agreeing with me, he thinks there might be a chance for me to finally let go of my fears. “If you’re not being yourself, it won’t last anyway.”

Now I play the other side, “But what about changing the way you think about things to keep growing as a person?”

“There’s only so much you can change about yourself,” he argues. “Do you really want to be changing the things that are already great about you? For what? Aguy?”

“That’s not what I mean,” I explain. “I’m referring to the parts that will help you improve for the better, and embrace the things that freaked you out before. I thought it would be easier to changethosethings, but it’s a lot harder than I imagined.”

He runs his fingers through his hair leisurely. “Listen, you’re very smart. No matter what I say, you’re still going to worry about something and most likely have an answer for everything.” It’sscaryhow quickly he’s figured me out.“So I can’t give you this perfect conclusion. But I do think with theright person, you’re not going to panic about the things you’re worried about right now.”

This doesn’t sound like what Luca previously said. Either his prior explanation was more nuanced than I first thought, or he’s changed his mind after hearing me out more. Nonetheless, it’s comforting to hear him say all of this.

The first interruption since we started our conversation happens when my phone lights up to a group text with unknown numbers. I recognize Enrique’s number though, and then put the remaining puzzle pieces together when Luca’s phone buzzes as well.

I was wondering if I’d ever receive Luca’s number.

Distracted by this, I almost forget to read the message, only to be disappointed when finding out Enrique is cancelling for tonight. Something about having to help with a leak in the lobby from the rain. What’s even more surprising is that he adds that Luca, Sofia, and I should still have the movie night.

Sofia sends a message shortly after, though, also cancelling for tonight because of the rain. I wonder if Enrique wished he hadn’t suggested for us to continue with the plans if it would just be Luca and me.

“I could go if you want?” I say, in such a way that implies that I want to stay.Because I do.

“I mean, you’re already here. It’s up to you,” Luca says, his tone so casual, further confirming that this is all purelyplatonicto him.

Although he technically also suggested that hedoesn’tmind me staying. So I’ll take it. “Okay. I’ll stay for just a little bit then.”

_________

It’s hard not to be this affected by Luca when he keeps doing or saying things that are so subtle yet meaningful. Like the way he’s placed a blanket for us on the floor to sit on while we share some of the snacks once he starts the movie. I clock how he’s only sitting a couple feet away from me. Wondering if he’ll move back a bit, my stomach gets all jittery with excitement when he doesn’t.

“Are you excited for the game tomorrow?” he says.

I almost forgot that it’s tomorrow. Which means the trip is already almost halfway over. Trying to forget about the knot that’s started to form in my stomach, I reply, “Oh, you have no idea. It’s the first soccer match, sorryfootball, that I’ll be going to in person.”

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