Page 111 of All at Once

“Yeah, but you’ve also kissed at least a few times from what you’ve told me. Even if it’s casual, he’s still my friend.” A sadness lingers in Luca’s eyes as he readjusts his posture. “That’swhy I saidI was sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you what I did. It was inappropriate.”

A fire starts to burn between our eyes, our tense chests rising, when Luca’s phone starts to ring, breaking the silence between us. “Hey,” he answers, clearing his voice.

He’s quiet as he listens to whoever is on the phone with him. And then he replies to the person in rapid Spanish, clearly not wanting me to understand.

I wonder if he means to flick his eyes to mine, but nonetheless I don’t miss when he does it before speaking into the phone, in English this time. “Can we meet later today?”

I look at him through furrowed brows as he switches flawlessly between the two languages, leaving me baffled as I barely picked up anything from the conversation. I guess it was none of my business, though, to which he made clear by ensuring I wouldn’t even understand.

After the call, it’s as if our previous exchange is put on an indefinite pause, while we walk past the kitchen. On our way out the door, I notice the girl Luca came here with now flirting with another guy in the corner.

Well I misinterpreted that entire situation.I’ve been doing that a lot lately…

Seeing her reminds me how I got drunk. Where I followed Luca in the hallway. And then I remember what I said.Fuck.

I told him that I like him.

I don’t remember any details beyond that, but sadly I remember this.

My jaw starts to clench again at this jarring realization as I lose my appetite altogether.

_________

Even when we’re back at the resort, I’m still floored that I got drunk.

I know it’s not a big deal. But for me it is.

It was years of fear that I’d somehow lose control over my mind and body. And that terrified me.

But the way Luca took care of me brings me such a sense of relief that therearepeople you can trust, even for things you could have never imagined you could before.

Relaxing onto the bed, I exhale deeply at the thought that for once I finally let go.

And while I still feel absolutely fucking embarrassed out of my mind, I feel a bit free.Lighteralmost. That being said, it’s not something I look forward to doing again anytime soon.

As I stare at the suite’s ceiling, I’m left pondering the obvious.

That I told Luca how I felt, but hestilldidn’t tell me he likes me back.

So I’m not going to keep playing myself.

Lucahasgiven me plenty of compliments. Remarks that no one has even come close to matching.

He’s made me feel special, appreciated, and beautiful.

He’spushedme to face my fears.

He’s even helped me get over myself, whether he realizes it or not.

So the conclusion for me is that I like him. No, I think I might evenlovehim. Because I actually know him now.

And that’s the problem.

I never had issues with chasing guys that I knew deep down it would never work out with. It’s all because I created an ideal version of every single crush I’ve had before in my head. I’d make assumptions, connect all these grand signs together, hoping that itwould all lead back to this magical connection. One that only existed in my mind, and came to life becauseI imagined it.

This morning Luca interestingly did ask me if Enrique and I are together, among other things, but he didn’t once word for word say that he likes me despite not kissing me. Telling me he was sorry for even suggesting the kiss isnotthe same as telling a person you have feelings for them. So I’m not going to assume something that he hasneversaid to me.

Assuming a guy liked me is yet another thing I never minded doing before. If anything, I used to assume everything.

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