Page 40 of All at Once

“Then just talk to him later, and clarify that you weren’t.” He makes it soundtooeasy. If only it was.

“I can’t,” I reply.

“What do you mean?” he says. “Just like how you told me now, tell him the same.”

“I can’t do that. It would be too embarrassing.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not following,” he says with pursed lips.

The frustration builds in me, my heart continuing to tighten in my chest. Without thought, I blurt out, “I can’t tell him that he’s my first kiss.”Why. Did. I. Just. Tell. Him. That?

Luca tilts his head down slightly. “Like first kiss ever?”

I groan. “Yeah. Ever. Ever.Forever. Ever,” I mock myself. My face is back into my hands again.

“So you—” he tries to ask.

I interrupt, “Yes to all of it, yes. I just had my first kiss. I’m a virgin. I’ve done absolutely nothing in between. Did I mention that I just turned 25?” I give a deeper exhale.

The puzzled expression on Luca’s face indicates that he’s backtracking and processing our previous conversations. “You weren’t trying to be funny during that game then?” he asks.

“IwishI was,” I admit.

“And you don’t want Enrique to know?”

“He can’t know. It’ll affect how he treats me.”

He raises his shoulders. “Then why are you telling me?”

“I wasn’t going to. Believe me. It just spilled out,” I defend. “I pretty much just had a panic attack on my way over here. My best friend wouldn’t pick up her phone, and I had to talk to someone and I—” My nerves spike now at the thought of Luca discussing the most personal thing to me with Enrique. “Please don’t tell him,” I quickly say, shaking my head.

He confidently reassures, “I won’t. I promise.” There’s something about the way he’s looking at me. So intently. So patiently. That makes me believe him.

“I shouldn’t have come here. What was I thinking?” I continue thinking out loud to my dismay.

Maybe I wasn’t ready for any of this. Maybe I’mnotready to grow up.

This entire day reminds me of how much I used to look forward to my 18th birthday. How it always looked like this grand prize. The shiniest one, waiting out for me in the distance, one I couldn’t wait to reach.

Among the many rules my parents set for me early on, at the top of the list was the no-dating-whatsoever-until-you’re-18 rule. Maybe that wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I wasallowedto attend my school dances. Or have a reasonable curfew. Or spend more than a few hours with my friends on weekends. Or have any guy friends.

It’s hard not to bunch all these rules together since I’m convinced that if just one of them hadn’t been there, that things would be much easier for me to navigate.

That’s exactly why my 18thbirthday seemed so important at the time. Believing everything would suddenly change once the highly coveted day finally arrived, left me in pure disappointment whennothingdid.

Therulesmay have beengone. It turns out that just removing rules doesn’t erase years of fear. Theunknownis enough to make up for any sense of clarity.

And now, things that should be simple feel frustratingly more complicated than I anticipated.

I also realize that half the bar probably has already heard our entire conversation when Luca gets up from his barstool and moves to the seat next to mine. He looks at me with a gentle expression and says, “Having experience is overrated.”

I scoff. “That’s exactly what someone who has alotof experience would say.” His lips part open, about to speak, but I can’t stop. I take another large sip of my drink and look right into his surprised eyes for the first time tonight. “You know I’ve never even been drunk?”

The way his forehead is scrunched, it’s clear that he’s a little frightened but also sympathetic as he listens to my rant. “And I’m still not drunk now,” I add. “And it’s not that I feel bad for never experiencing it. It’s the reason behind why it’s never happened.” I push the remainder of the drink away from me, before continuing, “You know how I told you that part of why I don’t like drinking is because I feel my personality doesn’t need it? Well that’s only half-true. I’m terrified of losing control.”

A loud guitar melody fills the air before he has a chance to reply.

Luca then suggests, “Do you want to go talk by the bench outside our rooms?”

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