Page 41 of All at Once

I nod before we get out of our seats.

While we walk back, Luca replies to my last comment, “Those are all valid reservations to have, Jasmine.”

“But I think they’re all related,” I say. “I know that has to be a big reason why I haven’t been able to be intimate with anyone. Giving up a sense of control. I haven’t trusted someone like that.”

He nods reassuringly. “That makes perfect sense to me.”

I snort at myself. “What about beingthisnervous for just a kiss? That doesn’t make much sense tome.”

“I thinkallof it can feel overwhelming when you’re doing it for the first time,” he argues, “whether that be holding someone’s hand or something that’s way more intimate.”

The mesmerizing sparkle in his eyes is only adding to these conflicting feelings.

I sigh and realize what’s continued to dwell in the back of my mind for so long. “I guess it just confuses me because it’s not that Idon’t wantto experience it. Especiallysex. Sex intrigues me, but it also terrifies me the most, knowing you’re sharing the experience with another person.” Having never directly talked about sex this way before, a shock runs through my system, one where my nerves somehow feel a bit relaxed.

Luca pauses, most likely to gather his thoughts. But the way it appears from my lens is as if he’s searching my eyes so thoughtfully, to find something meaningful to say. It’s probably the sangria talking, but discussing a subject that’s this personal, holding eye contact with him the longest I have so far, doubles the electricity running through me.

I remind myself to blink when he finally says, “I haven’t really thought about it like that. At least not in a while. I know thatduring my first time, I was nervous out of my mind though. So it’s definitely normal.”

“You were also nervous for your first time?” I ask, surprised at his response.

He smiles, his cheeks almost flushing. “Oh yeah. I was a mess. I feel like most people are.”

The tension in my arms eases up after hearing this. “I wish people talked more about how nerve-racking the idea of sex really is,” I express. “Do you have any advice?”

“Advice?” Luca says, keeping his distracting gaze on me.

“Yeah. On how to approach intimacy. How do you trust someone with something so personal?” I clarify, “I’m not asking what I should do. But like what would you do to help with feeling less nervous about it?”

“I think it would be pretty foolish of me not to point out the obvious first,” he says. “I don’t think it’s exactly the same for men and women always, unfortunately. I’m sure a lot of men feel apprehensive on trusting their partner during intimacy, but I would imagine it’s a much more vulnerable feeling for girls. Having said that, I think guys do a better job at hiding how they feel even when they feel exactly the same as you do. And by that I mean, chances are he’s also in his head about a lot of it.”

“I guess that’s true,” I say, pleased with his detailed response, yet still apprehensive on the whole topic.

He can tell I’m not really convinced as well when he tilts his head. “Are you scared of what he’ll think of you when he sees you naked for the first time?”

Luca’s words are a little direct butexactlywhat I’m afraid to ask. The forwardness almost helps ease my nerves to continue talking about this. “I don’t want to admit it, but yeah,” I answer shyly.

“I promise you that he’s also nervous of what you’ll think of him when you see him naked,” he reassures.

“I didn’t really think about it that way, but obviously I know that’s true,” I reply.

“Also, having a ton of experience doesn’t replace your insecurities,” he adds. “One person can know exactly what they’re doing but have no confidence, while another can have zero experience and trust their own instinct.”

I hold back my tears, realizing I fall in the category ofzeroexperience andnottrusting my own instinct. “What if it just never happens for me?”

We reach our suites, and for some reason neither of us moves to the bench. Instead, Luca just faces toward me, while I almost stumble backwards.

“Jasmine, you know that’s not true. It’s obvious that you care about this and want it to happen. I think if you trust yourself first, it might feel a little less daunting. And I don’t mean trust that you know everything but trust yourself that you’ll figure it out. Because youwill.”

Amazed how I haven’t tumbled right into the bushes behind me, I explain, “But what if I’ll never trustsomeone elseenough to be intimate with me? It’s not the emotional commitment and connection that freaks me out, it’s the physical part.”

He takes a deep breath, one that while we’re not standing that close, I still feel a trace of. “Not to make you feel worse, but this won’t be solved just by trusting someone else,” he confides. “People can easily break your trust. That’s why it bothers me when people say that when it’s with the ‘right person,’everything will be solved. It makes it seem as if that person holds all the power, in you feeling that you can trust them.”

“I don’t know,” I argue, “I think the right person can make you feel way more secure than if it were to be with some random person or worse someone toxic.”

Luca quickly clarifies, “No 100%. I absolutely agree with that. I just think that when you find the ‘right’ person that makes you feel like you can trust them, a big part of it is reallyyoutrustingyourselfthat you’re ready to do something with them. Since you never really know if you can trust anyone. Or least I like to think of it that way.”

“I need to sit on that for a second,” I reply, knowing I’ll have to process all this when I’m not standing a mere few feet from a guy I shouldnotbe lusting after. “But I guess like you touched on, we forget how other people feel during a situation. We’re so in our heads that we forget that they’re probably thinking about things the same way.”

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