Page 19 of Habits

How did I not notice it before?

“Yeah,” I say swiftly.

I can feel their eyes on me.

Watching.

Assessing.

Judging.

As I walk to my seat, I can feel their gazes following me, and the earlier feeling of disgust returns in full force. What are they thinking? Are they disgusted with me as much as I am with myself? Can they see my belly spill over the edge of my jeans? Can they see my thighs touching? Can they hear the sound of my jeans brushing as I walk? They must. I can hear it. It’s so loud.

“I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I just remembered we have a family dinner tonight so …”

I let the rest of the sentence hang in the air.

The look they share between each other would be comical if I had it in me to laugh. “Yeah, of course.”

They grab their stuff and start toward the door. “We’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure …” I agree, not even listening.

The last thing I want to do is continue hanging out with them, but I can’t stop doing it without raising suspicion. Without giving some reason why. And I know if I tell the truth, I’ll break Max’s heart. So for my brother, I’ll keep up with this charade, even if it kills me.

* * *

That night, when I get out of the shower, I let my towel fall to the floor as I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I let my gaze take it all in. My round, chubby, always slightly red cheeks. My full breasts. My soft, round belly. My wide hips and thick thighs.

Those damn thighs.

I was never too preoccupied with the way I look. I knew I wasn’t skinny like some girls, but at the same time, I never considered myself fat.

Not until today.

I stare at my body for God only knows how long.

I stare and stare.

Stare until goosebumps cover my bare skin.

Stare until my eyes become dizzy.

Stare until I can finally see what they have been seeing all this time.

Fat and ugliness.

Imperfection.

Monster.

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts, and I turn away from the mirror. I can’t look at myself.

“Y-yeah?”

“You sure you don’t want to have anything for dinner?” Max asks from the other side.

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