Page 17 of Habits

It was actually my idea, but now I’m kind of regretting it. After the milkshake, I thought things would return to normal. I thought I’d be left alone and Maddaline, Nikki and Lana would be their popular selves, but no. The very next day, they found me in the cafeteria and joined me at my table. I could feel people’s eyes on my back. Staring. Thinking. Judging.

What could The Queen Bee and little Jeanette Sanders have in common for them to sit together during the lunch?

I still haven’t found the answer to that question, and it’s been a few weeks, but they keep me in their group. That day, we exchanged phone numbers, and although we didn’t have the same classes, they made a point of sitting with me during lunch and inviting me with them after school. We would go to all the “in” hang-outs. Mall, café, diners, parties… you name it, they—and by extension me—were invited.

After a few weeks of hanging out, I noticed my grades slipping. I spent so much time with them, it didn’t leave me enough time to do my homework, so I suggested we have a study group. They agreed, and so every Tuesday and Thursday, we’d meet up at someone’s house and do homework.

At first, they even put some effort into it, but lately all they do is gossip. And all I want to do is finish this damn math homework that’s been kicking my ass. Yes, even smart people have to study. Smarts don’t come easy to anybody; we all have to work for it. You’d think after a while Maddaline and the others would run out of things to talk about, but it seems like the list of gossip topics is endless.

Trying to concentrate on the problem in front of me, I tune them out as much as I can, but it’s impossible. They’re loud, giggling and talking a mile a minute, their comments snarky and some downright mean. Not that I would say any of that out loud.

Sometimes it’s still hard to believe they want to be my friends. We have so little in common. I’d probably have given up by now, but the smile Max gives me every time he sees me hang out with them is so big and promising, I don’t want to break his hopes that I’m doing better. That I’m making an effort to expand my horizons and make friends instead of keeping to myself.

“I have to grab something from my room,” I say to no one in particular.

They wave me off, not stopping the discussion on whatever topic has them so preoccupied.

I run up to my bedroom and go through the mess that is my desk. It takes a while, but finally I find the paper with all the formulas I’ve been looking for. Closing the door, I return downstairs. As I near the kitchen, I can hear them laughing. It’s one ofthoselaughs. The one they have when they’re being mean, so I linger in the hallway, not wanting to participate.

“Like seriously, how stupid can one person be?” Nikki snickers.

“They even have a name for her,” Lana adds. “D.U.F.F. Like that movie.”

“Designated ugly fat friend.” Nikki laughs even harder. “I haven’t heard that one, but I can’t say they’re wrong. Have you seen those thighs in the leggings she wore the other day? They’re like two trunks of a three-hundred-year-old tree.”

All of them burst into laughter. I lean against the wall, nibbling at my lower lip as I look down at my legs, still listening.

I have to know, although I already have a feeling I do … I have to know. For sure.

“Quiet.” This time it’s Maddaline who interrupts their laughter. “She could come down any moment, and then everything will go to shit.”

My legs are wobbly, so I press them together. My thighs, myfatthighs, touching.

“Jeanette may be in all those fancy AP classes, but she’s dumb when it comes to people and hierarchy,” Lana states, and I can imagine her rolling her eyes at the obviousness of the situation. “Why would she otherwise think we’re hanging out with her? She’s not even worthy of wearing the title of our D.U.F.F.”

“How much longer do we have to pretend anyway?” Nikki whines. “It’s embarrassing. People are staring at us.Talkingabout us.”

“Not much longer,” Maddaline reassures them. “I’ve been talking to Max, and I have a feeling he’ll invite me to the winter formal in no time. After all, he’s the school’s king, and every king needs his queen. Which is me.”

Max has been talking to them? When? And why didn’t he say anything?

Although we don’t spend as much time together as we used to—with him playing hockey and spending most of his free time with his friends, and me trying to stay on top of my studies and spending time with the girls—we try to have dinner together a few times a week and watch a movie or simply chat to catch up.

And since when is he taking Maddaline to the winter formal? The last time we talked, he hadn’t even planned on going.

Nikki interrupts the slight pause. “Do you seriously think she’s that clueless? I guess you have to be not to notice the difference between someone like us and someone likeher.The only thing she has going for her is that Max is her brother. Otherwise, she’d be useless.”

My hands clench into fists by my sides, and I feel the burning in my eyes.

I won’t cry.

I won’t cry.

I won’t cry.

I chant those words over and over in my head, but nothing can stop them from falling when I hear Maddaline’s next words. “Max told me she didn’t have many friends.”

“Shocker,” Lana interrupts her.

---