Page 16 of Habits

Somehow we attracted attention, so a large group of students has gathered around us. Gritting my teeth, I push through the crowd, their condescending eyes following me as I go. Taking me in. Measuring me. Judging me.

Cold-hearted.

Bitch.

Snobby.

Ice Queen.

I can hear them talking behind my back. They always think just because you’re quiet you won’t notice, but the quietest people, the ones who stand on the sidelines watching but never participating, are the ones who hear the most. They probably know most people’s deepest, darkest secrets, and those same people aren’t even aware of it. Because they don’t notice the quiet ones in the first place. Because they don’tcareenough to notice.

Yes, I’m all of those things they think I am. And more. So much more than they’re aware of. Worse than they can even imagine. But who are they to judge me?

Did Amelia deserve my attitude? No, she didn’t. Stupid Andrew Hill threw me off my game, and I lashed out at her because it was easy. She’s so damn good that being in her company makes me want to puke.

So innocent.

So pure.

That’s because you were once her.

Not anymore.

They have no right. Just a few weeks ago, they were the ones treating her horribly. She was bullied and made fun of for years by those same people who now judge me. But since Lia and Derek started dating, she was magically accepted by the whole school.

Hypocrites.

All of them.

I want to hate them. I want to tell them to fuck off and leave me alone. To look at their own pitiful, miserable lives and stop meddling in mine, but all of this is too much.

Their whispered words.

Their side glances.

Their judgy eyes.

All of it takes me back.

Back to the moment I wish I could forget.

The moment I wish I could change.

The moment I was too weak and I let them break me.

The moment everything changed.

* * *

Before

“Have you seen what she was wearing at the party last weekend?” Nikki asks, and they all burst into laughter.

I join in, but it’s weak.

I’ve never been interested in the gossip scene. I’ve never cared how people dress or who they hook-up with. But these girls do.

We’re in my kitchen, having another one of our group study sessions. Usually we switch it up between our houses, but lately we’ve been hanging more and more at my house.

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