Page 50 of A Better Place

“Was that James? On the phone?”

“Oh! Yeah.”

“Figured. He coming over?”

He pauses the movie just as Eddie is getting ready to empty the shitter, turns toward me, and I can feel my face go soft at the hopeful expression on his face.

“Yeah, bud. He’s coming tonight. Bringing Lily with him.”

“Cool. I’m excited to meet her in person. He gonna cook? Can I help him?”

I smile at that. The mutual bond they share over their love of cooking and food is something I didn’t realize my son needed. At least not from a man. For a tiny, weak moment, I feel a pang of guilt for leaving the only man my son has ever known as a role model. This moment is so fleeting, so quick, because I realize that had I not left him, not only would Jack have continued to be exposed to a man like Vince, but we also wouldn’t have met the man who’s changing us both in ways we didn’t even realize we needed.

In this exact moment, a heavy pressure settles on my chest when I realize that I want, more than anything, to move forward. With James. Just like the arrows I have on the walls of my bedroom symbolize.

“I’m sure he’d love that.” My voice is soft.

“Cool. Ready to eat?”

He and I had made a quiche this morning for breakfast, another one of our traditions. By the smell coming out of the kitchen, it’s ready.

“Sure. Then gifts?”

“Want to wait for James tonight?”

I choke back tears when I realize how important James is to Jack. He would willingly put off opening his Christmas presents so James could be a part of it. With great effort, I say, “Nah. We’ll do our own thing this morning.”

“I can wait.”

Oh damn. We’re both so invested. It happened without us realizing it. James has taken both our hearts, obviously for different purposes. From the look on Jack’s face, he doesn’t want it back any time soon, and damn it all if I don’t want mine back either.

Where we both go from here, I have no clue.

“Let’s do us now, okay, kiddo?”

He watches at me for a few moments, looking as if he’s going to protest, but I need to have this with him. I can’t hand over the last little bit just yet.

“Alright. But tonight we can give him the present we got him, yeah?”

“Yeah, bud. You go get the quiche out of the oven. I’ll grab Lily’s present from my room so we can wrap it before they come.”

I stand up from my place on the couch and look down at my son who seems to be growing up too fast.

“Re-gifting? That’s tacky, Mom,” he teases me, a sparkle of happiness in his eyes.

I playfully narrow my eyes at him and reach over and pinch his cheek lightly. “Not re-gifting. I have a few things on hand. You know me. Besides, this is actually something I picked out for her.”

“Always have something ready, right?” he repeats the one and only bit of advice I’ve handed down to him that isn’t my own.

“That’s right.” I wink. “Now, get that out of the oven before it burns. It smells delicious, and I’m starved.”

“On it. And Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Tonight? When James comes over? Remember that it’s a good thing. What he is to us? It’s more than a good thing.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod a few times. “I know. You’re right. It’s a very good thing.”

He smiles his still boyish smile and stands up. He gives me a hug then murmurs into my hair, “Love you, Mom. You’re my favorite.”

“Love you, Jack. You’re my favorite, too.”

“Merry Christmas,” he says then kisses me on the top of the head and makes his way into the kitchen to finish preparing our breakfast.

Such a good kid.

“Merry Christmas!” I shout back.

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