Page 55 of A Better Place

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Carly

I reach into the backseat of my car and grab the black handle of my rolled-up deep purple yoga mat. I absolutely love yoga. When I left Vince, I vowed I would never run again. It was always his thing for me to be a runner. After I started training with Tate, I decided my body needed more than the grueling workouts I was getting with him. I also learned that yoga was a way for me to release all the bad that I kept carrying with me.

I had become a regular for six months, attending classes weekly, when one of the instructors asked if I would ever consider teaching a class or two a month, to relieve some of the stress on her. After talking with Tate, Jack, and Donna, they all encouraged me to do it. I started out teaching the classes with the students knowing I wasn’t certified. Slowly, I gained enough confidence that I did my hours, my classes and tests needed to become a valid yoga instructor.

It’s been a great way for me to meet people who aren’t students’ parents, and I’ve built a lot of wonderful relationships along the way, the best being Christine.

“What’s up, sugar plum?” Christine asks from behind me, causing me to yelp and almost lose my footing on the snowy parking lot. She laughs as I try to steady my breathing.

“You’re so annoying. It’s like you live for making me scream.”

“No, that’d be James. If he ever got the chance to make you scream, that is.”

“Christine!”

“What? I speak truth.”

“You’re so crass.”

“Whatever. You know it’s true. That boy is the definition of smitten. He’s one smitten kitten. And don’t you dare deny it. Besides, your eyes show you’re just as smitten as he is. You practically sigh out loud every time you see him.”

“I do not.”

“Oh you so do. And it’s awesome. I love seeing you like this.”

“Like what?” I ask as we continue to walk toward the studio, wrapping my coat around my body tighter. Even though I’ve lived in Michigan for three years now, the winter chill is still something I am getting used to. The cold temperature actually hurts my face.

“Happy.”

“I’ve always been happy,” I defend with a little snark in my tone that I don’t mean.

She slows her walking and turns to face me, placing her hand on my jacket-covered arm. “No, you haven’t. Not when I first met you. And every once in a while, I see something come over you. I don’t know what it is, but I can tell there’s something there that you can’t seem to shake. But when James is around? It’s gone. And I see this sense of calm in you that I’ve not seen before. I don’t get it. Why don’t you just let yourself give in?”

I don’t know how to respond to that, so I don’t. Instead, I open the door and make my way into the room where I’ll be bending and stretching for the next hour. Class doesn’t start for fifteen minutes, and for that I’m grateful. I always need the time to prepare myself, but lately I have had so much on my mind that I need the minutes to get centered. I lie down my mat and place my water bottle next to it. When I turn around, Christine is looking at me with worry in her eyes.

“Hey, I didn’t mean…”

“No. Christine, it’s fine. I just don’t know what it all means, and I’m having a really hard time dissecting it myself. I just never thought I’d even want a relationship again, much less have someone consume my thoughts like he is. It’s like I have all these corners of my heart that are filled with dust and muck and mire, but he somehow understands them and is willing to clean them off and wade through them.”

Her eyes going soft as she murmurs my name.

I look around the room for a few moments and suck in a breath. I’m so tired. Tired of fighting my feelings. Tired of not being honest about who I am, who I want. I look back at her, look away, and bring my eyes to her once again. “Want the truth?” I ask, and she nods, giving me silent encouragement. “He gives me an entire garden full of butterflies in my stomach when he’s around. He’s the most genuinely nice, kind, amazing and beautiful man I’ve ever met. He’s so good with Jack, giving him what he needs. And he’s patient with me, never pushes too much, and I’m so damn scared that if I don’t stop being so closed off, he’s going to get sick of waiting and will find someone else who isn’t a neurotic head case and knows a good thing when she sees it. All the little texts and phone calls and little conversations he and I have? They mean too much to me. I’ve started living for them, like looking forward to them all day long. A few days ago he called me his girl. His girl, Christine. I melted. It was two words and I thought, ‘Well, that’s that.’

“He makes my heart feel like it could jump out of my chest, and my body come alive in ways that I thought were dead and buried. He single-handedly made me realize that not all men are the same. You should have heard him talking to Jack about first kisses and respecting women. I’ve never heard a man speak like that. He was so gentle and kind with him. Just like he is me. And Lily? She’s just this perfectly bright reflection of him, making me want him that much more because I can see where she gets it from. And he promises that he’s okay with us always just being friends, but I don’t think I want that anymore. What we have is so effortless and easy. I know I’m not the most open person in the world, but he’s shown me that it’s okay to let some of it go. Around him I feel like it would be okay to maybe try again, move forward and break all my rules. I’m falling for him, hard. Along the way, I wondered how the hell it happened. But I realized… he happened.”

“Wow,” she says when I finally quit talking and pacing in front of her.

I throw my hands up in the air. “Wow? That’s all you have to say?”

“Well, yeah. I knew there was something more between you two but… wow. Yup. That’s all I’ve got.”

“You’re no help.”

“Sorry, but I don’t think you need help at all. I think you know what you want, what you need. You just need to have the courage to go after it.”

“And how do I get that?”

---