Page 10 of The Path To Us

He looks at me with such sadness that more tears spring to my eyes. “What do you mean, Squirt? You need sleep.”

“Mommy’s room,” she mutters, shaking her head and pointing in the direction of my bedroom.

I nod to let him know it’s okay and he lifts her back up and carries her to my bedroom. I lie down and he places her next to me after kissing her cheek.

“Love you, Squirt.”

“Love you, Beau,” she murmurs while burying her head into the pillow. He starts for the door and she bolts up in bed crying out, “No! You can’t go!”

He scrunches his eyebrows and then Zoey pats the spot next to her, indicating that she wants him to lie down with us. His eyes shoot to mine and I know he’s worried he’s overstepping but right now I’ll do anything to help my baby girl feel more comfortable.

I motion for him to lie down and after he removes his shoes, he climbs in on the other side of her. Together, we help Zoey fall asleep. Over my daughter’s head, our eyes connect.

I can see the sadness written across his face. He and Chris weren’t just brothers, they were friends. Sliding a hand over Zoey, I take hold of his and squeeze lightly.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

“Me, too. I went to my parents’ house and couldn’t even make myself go inside. Not yet. Which makes me a shitty person because I know they need me right now but…”

“It’s just too real? Too soon?” I ask quietly, guessing.

He nods against the pillow. “Yeah.” His gaze shifts down to her sleeping form and he kisses the back of her head, his eyes falling shut for a moment. “And… I just kept thinking about Zoey and I needed to see her. And you.”

“I think she needed to see you, too.” I did, too. If I’m being completely honest, I needed him as well. Since we got the news of Christopher’s passing, I’ve wanted Beau here with us. With me. The relief I felt when I opened the door to see him standing there should alarm me.

“I don’t want her to be hurting,” he says, voice breaking.

I trail a finger over her cheek. “Me either.”

“I don’t want you hurting, either.”

I raise my eyes and they collide with his. I can’t see the hazel in the dark, but I know his eyes just as well as I know my own. The green and yellow flecks like a starburst through the hazel. His eyes have always fascinated me. “He was your brother,” I tell him something he obviously already knows, but emphasizing why I’m more worried about him than myself. Nothing much has changed there.

“He was something to you, too,” he whispers.

I know what he means but, it was never what he thinks. Chris and I were together one time and it resulted in Zoey. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he wanted more between us, but no matter how much I tried to make myself want it the same way he did, I couldn’t. He didn’t deserve that, either; to have someone who was settling and not completely in love with him.

Rather than open up that can of worms right now, I simply nod and say, “Yeah.” Which is the truth. He was something to me. Not just my daughter’s father. Not just Beau’s brother. Chris was my partner in so many senses of the word. We co-parented and he was my friend. But something tells me that Beau has assumed that we were more than that. I’m certain Chris told him that he had bought me a ring and got down on one knee, only to be rejected. Though, I think Chris knew that was coming. He didn’t seem surprised when I tearfully told him no. What I’m not certain of, though, is what way Chris spun my rejection to Beau. Did he tell him the truth? That after I told him no, he was angry with me and didn’t understand? That he accused me of being in love with Beau — something I couldn’t deny. He was frustrated, and I understood, but aside from that one night together, I’d never given him any indication that I felt any other way than friendship toward him.

I guess one could argue that having sex with him was a pretty solid indication that I did feel something other than friendship, but that was a good mistake. One I’ll never regret because it gave me Zoey.

I hear Beau blow out a ragged breath and my heart does a little gallop. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Addy. How is this real?”

“I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

“It doesn’t make sense. He was healthy.”

“He was. And he was happy, too. Right to the end. Remember that and let it give you some peace. He was happy with his life, Beau.” Another truth. He was so happy. Loved his job as a vice principal for the high school. Loved his daughter and his family and me. He’d moved on from the idea of us being together and had gone on a few, albeit unsuccessful, dates over the last year. In his mind, though, no one would ever be good enough to be a part of Zoey’s life in a stepmother capacity.

He stares at me for a long moment then nods, closing his eyes.

“I know. It was too soon, though.”

I have no words that will make him feel better, so I simply lie here in bed with him and Zoey. Letting the silence overwhelm us until, eventually, his breathing even outs and I know he’s fallen asleep. Only then do I allow myself to do the same.

When we wake in the morning, I know nothing will be the same and the next few days will without a doubt be some of the hardest any of us have ever had to go through so I do my best to shut my mind off.

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