Page 27 of The Path To Us

The light wash jeans she’s wearing fit her so perfectly and I have to fist my hands next to my thighs to stop myself from reaching out and cupping her ass. Her t-shirt is nothing extraordinary; a simple grass green that’s not too tight and not too loose. Damn, there’s something about the way that she always dresses that is such a turn-on for me. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise since she only needs to smile for me to get turned on — but the thing is, there’s nothing particularly sexy about her choice of clothing. Jeans, leggings, t-shirts, and hoodies. No short skirts, plunging necklines, or sky high heels. It’s more about the confidence she carries. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I find her more beautiful and sexier than anyone else in the world.

“Mommy!” she huffs. “I’m busy!” Zoey protests as she shifts so she can see the TV. We laugh at Zoey’s little growl when Addy pauses the program and she lifts her hands in the air in surrender.

“Sorry. Goodness. I just need your attention for a minute then you can go back to your show, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“I have to go into work for a little bit today. What would you say about hanging out with Uncle Beau while I’m gone?”

“Yeah!” she cheers, shimmying a little, showing her excitement.

Addy chuckles. “Sounds like a yes to me.”

“Maybe we can go swimming at Daddy’s house!”

Addy and I both freeze, staring at Zoey. I hadn’t thought she’d want to go back to Chris’s house. The idea of it turns my stomach, knowing that’s where he took his last breath. “I don’t think it’ll work today, Squirt. Maybe another time?”

“Why not?”

Luckily, just as I open my mouth to come up with some sort of lie, thunder booms outside. “That’s why.”

“Ahh, man! Oh, well, we can do other fun stuff.”

Nodding, I tell her, “We sure can. I’m sure Grandma and Papa want to see you, too.”

“They do.” She agrees so quickly it pulls another laugh from my chest.

Addy clears her throat and looks at me with an odd expression. It’s more than just the sadness that we’ve all been wearing like cloaks since Chris died. “Well, whatever you two do, I’m sure you’ll have a great time. And when I finish at the shop, I’ll meet up with you.”

After saying goodbye, Addy leaves and Zoey and I curl up on the couch, lounging while the rain continues to fall. It’s a perfect morning. Cartoons, cuddling with Zoey, and snacking on Goldfish crackers. It’s a morning I know Chris would have loved, and for that I feel like shit. I’m enjoying this time when it should be him.

Zoey’s tiny little body begins to slump next to me and her breathing evens out. She’s only been awake for a few hours but I know she’s exhausted. Between not sleeping well and the trauma she experienced losing her dad, her body is worn out. I shoot my mom a quick text to let her know we won’t be coming over for a while so I don’t get a phone call that wakes her up then do the same with Addy.

Addy: I’m glad she’s sleeping. I don’t want her getting more run down than she already is. You okay staying with her?

Me: Of course. Just do your thing. I’ve got her.

Addy: Thank you. See you soon.

I lean my head back against the back of the couch and relish in the feel of Zoey in my arms and think for the millionth time what it would be like if she would have called me that night instead of Chris. Would we have had a child together instead? Of course, I wouldn’t do a thing to change the fact that Zoey’s here, but the thought of having a baby with Addy stirs something deep inside of me that I have been doing my best to push down for years now.

I’ve never had the courage to ask her why she went to Chris instead of me that night. Maybe she was looking for exactly what Chris was willing to give her and she thought I wouldn’t have.

She’d be wrong, though. I wouldn’t have been able to resist her.

I’m so fucked up in the head.

My male instincts tell me to take her and show her what we could be like together while every bit of brotherly love I have for Chris tells me to back off. She was his. Never mine. Not in that way. I may have loved her first, but in the end, she was and always would be my brother’s.

And that means I have to learn how to live a life without her as anything more than my friend and mother to my niece.

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