Page 2 of Never Really Over

“How do you know this is your dream, though?” she asks, sliding off the barstool set up next to the tiny island in my just as tiny kitchen. She paces around the space, huffing and irritated with me. It gives me a tiny ray of hope that she still cares about me and loves me as much as she once did.

“What do you mean?”

“You asked me when I realized Chicago was my dream. Well, I didn’t know that I wanted more than what Hollow Grove can offer me until I went to Chicago for work and saw what else was out there. The entire city has this energy about it. It’s alive. Maybe you need to go somewhere else because you just haven’t discovered more yet.”

I’m already shaking my head before she finishes. “Right, I get what you’re saying, but you know I’ve travelled. It’s not as if I’ve spent the last twenty-two years of my life right here in this town. My parents were all about going on big vacations in the summer, remember? It’s the only time they actually gave a shit about me and my sister. I’ve been all over the United States and visited different cities.” I start ticking off places we’ve been on my fingers. “Boston, Atlanta, Nashville, San Antonio, Minneapolis, San Diego, just to name a few. I’ve been to Mexico three different times on spring break and once for a mission trip with youth group. You know all this. It’s not as if I’m some unsophisticated, naïve, sheltered idiot. I’ve been places, babe. Plenty of times. I don’t hate visiting, but I can’t imagine living there. It’s not who I am. IchooseHollow Grove because this is where I want to live. I like the quiet. I like seeing the stars at night. I like having to go thirty minutes if I want to get Chinese food and I don’t care if I have organic produce or not because I grow most of it myself.”

I continue to list off the things I love most about the Grove hoping that I’ll get in there a little bit and show her that it’s about more than food delivery. “I like that if I drink too much at Shaky’s Bar, there will no doubt be someone there to drive my drunk-ass home and a taxi wouldn’t be necessary. I like sitting in the same pew at church Sunday after Sunday and talking to the same people. I love that they know everything about me already. I like going to the high school football games on Friday nights along with everyone else in the town and seeing people we know on the lake in the summer or around a bonfire. Walking into the diner or Grove Pizza and the owners say hi because they’ve known me forever. My plumber and electrician are friends of mine. I’m on a first name basis with the few cops in town and not because I’ve been in trouble but because, like everyone else, I know them. If I need an extra hand pouring cement or building something, I’ve got them.”

I pause at the glazed over look she’s giving me. Either she’s not listening or she doesn’t care or doesn’t relate. None of those scenarios are good for me but I’ll fight for Hollow Grove and the people in our town forever because like I told her earlier, I’ve been other places and for me, they don’t compare. However, I go on by saying, “I get it. Hollow Grove isn’t for everyone. I thought you loved it here like I do, but I was wrong. For a lot of people, they think of all that I ticked off about living here as bad things. They want the anonymity and busyness that cities can provide, but I’d rather have a life here. Sure, it’s simple but it’s not boring, Layla. If that’s not the same for you, then I guess that’s that.” I swallow hard, knowing my next words will kill me to say out loud. “I love you, but sometimes love isn’t enough. Maybe our time together has run its course. No hard feelings.”

I’m so full of shit. I’ll have a lot of hard feelings, but I need her to be happy, too. I can be mad at her or cry myself to sleep, but there’s no way she’s going to know that. I know Layla and if she’s decided she’s leaving, she’s leaving. Nothing I do or say will change her mind, but I can remind her of the awesome that’s here. I’d rather have her leave knowing that we had it good once. Hopefully she’ll realize it after living away for a few months. And if she doesn’t and it’s over and time to move on, then I’ll accept that because I need to do that for her.

She barks out a laugh. “No hard feelings, huh? That’s it? Six years together and ‘no hard feelings’,” she says, lowering her voice to mimic me. “Our relationship has run its course? What the hell! You’re such an asshole, Colt.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Fuck it. I was wrong. She maybe does need to be told that I’ll be sad. “But, here’s the deal, Layla. This relationship only works if we’re both happy. Can you honestly see me living in the middle of Chicago or any other city? Do you think that’s where I’ll be happy just because that’s where you are? I’ll answer this for you. It’s a big no. I wouldn’t be. Maybe that makes me a jerk that you’re not enough but I’m not enough for you to stay here, either.” I stand from the stool I was sitting on and move to Layla, taking her hands in mine. She’s so angry at me right now, but I still see the love that she has for me in her eyes. She’s angry because I’m not following her. I’m angry, too, but it’s not because she won’t stay here. I’m angry that we’ll be hundreds of miles apart when I really just want to be with her. “Do I want to be with you? Yes. Would I end up resenting you while I’m working in an office or construction when my dream is to be here, right where I am, playing with cows and planting crops? Absolutely. Am I heartbroken that this is no longer what you want? With one hundred percent certainty, yes. I hate this. I want you to be the old Layla. The one who was happy and content with her life here. But if you no longer are, I’m not the one who’s going to stand in your way just because I love you.”

Her next response breaks my heart even more than it already was, and I didn’t realize that was even possible. “I just want you to consider moving to Chicago.”

I drop her hands and walk away. She’s not saying that she loves me. She’s not saying that she hates that we want different things. She’s not saying anything to make me feel even a tiny bit better. Which is why my reply is, “It won’t work.”

“How do you know?”

I throw my hands in the air and drop them against my legs. “Because I fucking know! How can you even imagine up a world where itdoeswork?” I ask her, voice raising and my anger seeping through. “I saw us getting married and raising a family here. I don’t want to live around concrete. You know that’s not who I am. Why is it okay for you to force me to be someone I’m not? I asked you to reconsider because I love you, not because I want you to be miserable. You once loved living here. Now you don’t. I’ve never loved even living in town, let alone in a big city. I’m a country boy, Layla. You can’t decide that I’m no longer him and expect me to be happy and just fold to your demands. I’m not the one who changed, you are.”

“Well, Dalton…”

“Don’t you fucking compare me to that dick.”

Dalton was the only kid in our school who most of us hated with a passion. Mainly because hedidthink he was too good for Hollow Grove. He ran us down every chance he got and when he graduated from high school, we threw him a going away party because we were glad he was fucking going away.

“I’m not comparing you two,” she huffs, rolling her eyes. “I’m saying he’s happy there.”

“Of course he is because that’s what he’s always wanted!”

“He’s encouraging me to move there because he saw how happy it made me.”

“Then go be happy with Dalton.”

Her head jerks back as if I’ve slapped her. “What?”

“You’ve been talking to Dalton and now you’re ready to leave this place. I’m not surprised. I thought it was your own decision. Sounds to me like you went to Chicago, met up with him, and he got in your head. If that’s how you are, then I’m glad you’re leaving.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say, Colt, and you know it. That’s not how it was, either. We met up for a drink because I was in Chicago and that’s where he lives. Nothing else.”

Right. I’ll believe that when pigs fly. “Then at least I’ll know you won’t be there all alone when you move.”

“Fuck you, Colt.”

“Yeah, sounds about right.”

Without another word, she starts for the door, slamming it behind her. But I’m right there, too. I open the door and holler her name.

She comes to a stop by her car but doesn’t turn around.

“We could’ve had something great but I guess now we’ll never know.” She turns to face me and the only thing I see on her face is annoyance. Something about our conversation suddenly clicks with me and it breaks my heart even more than it already was. I love her. A part of me probably always will. But something tells me she doesn’t feel the same. “I would have loved you from anywhere, would have waited for you, would have been the one to hold you up and build a life together, but I know you couldn’t. That’s not the life you wanted with me and I deserve more than that. The truth is, you fell out of love with me a long time ago and just never had the guts to tell me. I hope you’re happy now.”

After staring at me a long moment, I think she’s going to apologize or tell me she wished things were different, too. Something that shows me that she cares. But instead, her middle finger gives me a salute before she climbs behind the wheel of her car. I don’t stay around to see the dust kicking up from the gravel road.

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