Page 40 of Never Really Over

“You’ll figure it out,” I finish for him. Something he seems to say a lot.I can help, I want to tell him. I don’t think we’re there, though. And I don’t want to offend him by offering because I know he’s capable. That much is clear.

“Yeah, we will.” He opens a gate and holds it open for me, closing it behind the both of us once we’re through it. Poppy starts to really giggle and get excited, clearly knowing what’s coming up. “Told you they were her favorite,” he says, grinning. “She can’t get enough of the cows and their calves. She loves them. Don’t know what I’ll do when I have to send them away, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“You’ll just have to get new ones to replace the ones that mysteriously go missing.”

“Yeah, I will.”

I hear them before I see them. Four large black cows and two that look like babies yet. At least in comparison to the bigger ones. Poppy squeals and claps, happiness emanating from her at the sight of the cattle coming her way. And by the way the little ones are running, it looks like they’re just as happy to see her.

“Okay. You cannot do anything but keep these cows forever and ever. They are too adorable. I didn’t realize they recognize people but you can tell they know her.”

“Yeah, they do. She loves them and they love her.”

“You’d have to be blind not to see it.”

I stand to the side and watch as Colt goes about filling buckets and fresh water with his niece strapped to his chest. It’s obvious they’re in their element. She watches his every move carefully, almost as if she’s trying to memorize the steps for when she’s allowed to do this on her own.

Little Poppy is going to be a farm girl, that much is for sure.

She babbles and he responds to everything she says, even though what she’s saying doesn’t make any sense yet.

Colt gestures to a different bucket and lifts it with ease, though it has to be heavy. “Watch this.”

I want to tell him he didn’t need to tell me to because, like Poppy, I’m already watching him closely. Colt moves past me, opens another gate, and we walk through. It almost looks like a pen within the larger field that the cows are in.

Once again, I hear them before I see them.

“Goats! Okay. That does it. I’m nev…” I stop myself before saying that I’m never leaving and moving in. Rather, I correct myself to say, “I’m in agreement with Poppy. They’re awesome.”

One bounces over, quite literally. It’s smaller than the others and looks spunky. Another is standing on a rock.

“They’re trouble makers,” Colt says, laughing. “Funny trouble makers, for sure, but they’re a huge pain in the butt.”

“No,” I say, moving to the little one and crouching down to pet it even though I definitely am not dressed for sitting in a pasture. No matter, though. I plop right onto the ground to have easier access to it. “They couldn’t be trouble makers! They’re too cute!”

“Oh, yes they can. Also, you just sat in shit.”

“I don’t care.” I move off the ground, though, which proves that I do care. They’re cute and fun, but not exactly sitting in poop cute and fun.

Colt chuckles and begins to unstrap Poppy.

“You need to stay right beside me, Tootsie Pop, you understand?”

“Da Gog Boo!” she shouts as he puts her on the ground, keeping hold of her hands. I have a feeling she does understand but I also have a feeling she doesn’t give a fig, either. She looks ornery and like she’s a spitfire. Which makes her even more adorable.

With Colt bent over and holding Poppy’s hands, the two walk over to the baby, spunky goat. The sight brings a smile to my face and triggers something inside me that I didn’t know was even there.I want a baby.While living in Chicago, having kids of my own was never something that I thought about. Likely because none of my relationships worked out and Jasper had said he didn’t want kids. At the time, I was fine with that. I didn’t think I did, either. But the force that hit me when I had that thought almost knocked me back down to the ground.

“Gentle,” Colt says, either to Poppy or the baby goat or both, I’m not sure.

Poppy’s giggles are contagious as she and the goat play together. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s sitting in poop and Colt doesn’t either. His smile tells me as such.

The bigger goats seem to want to join the fun and they make their way over to Poppy while Colt stands close with a watchful eye, making sure that his girl is safe. I stay back, watching the two together.

It’s natural for Colt, and it’s more than just because he’s been around Poppy her entire life. He’s a daddy now and the realization brings up more jealousy. This feeling isn’t fun, yet it’s here. I don’t like thinking this way, but I can’t help but see a life I lost. A life I walked away from.

Would Colt and I be married with some kids of our own? The short answer is yes. I can’t envision a scenario where that wouldn’t be the case, but I can’t say that for sure.

At the same time, I can’t get back those years and there is more than just a little part of me that is glad for that. Even having the thoughts that I’m having now about wanting this for myself, I still don’t have regrets for following my heart and moving to Chicago. If I didn’t go through with the move, I would have always wondered. That wouldn’t have been fair to anyone, me included. For a long time I struggled with my decision, feeling selfish and hating that I broke both my and Colt’s hearts in the process, but over time I realized it was what was best for both of us.

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