Page 8 of Never Really Over

Colt

Homegrown

“You wantUncle Colt to rock with you a bit and read?” I ask my adorable little niece. Her head full of blonde curls bobs up and down, thumb stuck in her mouth. She pulls it out only enough to mumble an “uh huh” to me before popping it back in her mouth. I smile and pull out some books that I have on a little shelf in the room I’ve transitioned into her bedroom.

After dinner of a squeeze pouch of pureed fruit and some orzo pasta mixed with ground beef and peas — I had it, too, because she eats better if she sees me eating the same — I gave her a bath and put her in some pajamas. They’re her favorites because I had the guy who sells me the corn and soybean seeds to plant in the springtime get them for me. Little footie pajamas that have the logo of the brand of seeds I plant covering them. I highly doubt she connects the two, but the fact that I gave them to her means they’re her favorite.

Which obviously means I’m her favorite. Just like I told Natalie earlier. I know my place. Natalie and Mason will just have to deal.

After reading her three books, her breathing slows and she curls up in my arms even tighter. Her soft smell from the lavender bath products I use on her makes my heart clench. I know I’m not her daddy but this girl has my whole entire heart in the palm of her hand. The thought of her growing up and being too old for me hurts. I should put her down but holding her for a few minutes while she sleeps is way more fun.

As crazy as it may be considering I’m only her uncle, it’s hard to even remember my life before my sister had Poppy. Maybe it’s because she got pregnant around the same time that my parents had moved to Texas and I began to manage the family farm on my own. Or maybe it was because around the same time as my parents moving and my sister becoming pregnant, I’d heard that Layla had gotten engaged. Even though we’d been over with for over ten years at the time, it still messed with my head a bit. I hated to admit that I still missed her like crazy. The entire town might have thought we’d be together forever, but so did I. After she left Hollow Grove to begin a new life for herself in Chicago, to say that I was heartbroken would be putting it mildly. I found myself sliding into a dangerous pattern of sleeping with more than my fair share of random strangers, drinking too much, and plain and simply making poor decisions. When I heard of Layla’s engagement, I could have slipped so easily back into that unhealthy cycle but Natalie’s pregnancy saved me from the fall. For the first time in over ten years, I had someone else to live for rather than myself and I wasn’t going to mess it up.

Every once in a while I get in my head and think about the what-ifs. Like tonight when I know my sister and her husband are finally having some alone time and I’m here all alone with their daughter and I imagine what it would be like if things hadn’t turned sideways. If Layla hadn’t moved to Chicago, would we be married with our own children? If she hadn’t cut me out of her life and let me know that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me anymore, would I have eventually followed her?

The answer to the first is yes. At least, that’s what I think. The answer to the second question is maybe, but I also know it wouldn’t have been right for either of us. I would have been miserable living in the city. She and I would have resented each other sooner rather than later. Her breaking up with me was the right thing to do, even if I didn't think so at the time.

It’s not that I haven’t tried to date other women. I just haven’t found anyone I want to commit my life to. I’ve been on blind dates, dating apps, women I met in town; but I didn’t feel a connection with any of them.

That’s partially a lie. I did feelsomeconnection. Just not a lasting one. The connection I shared with other women wasn't exactly emotional.

I eventually lay Poppy down, even though it kills me to do it, and settle in for a quiet evening. Earlier today, when Natalie was telling me about her and Mason's troubles, my heart broke for them. I can't begin to claim to know what married life is like, but the fact that Natalie hadn't said anything to me about what she's going through until just now makes me nervous. Natalie is usually not closed off, in fact, she usually tells me everything. She doesn't have a filter when it comes to me. I'm her person, just like she's mine. Pathetic as that may sound. Or maybe it isn't pathetic. After all, we learned that of anyone in the world, we could rely on each other and very few others. So that's why it felt weird that she'd been keeping their troubles from me. Not that she has to tell me everything, but for some reason it makes it feel like their situation is a little worse than she let on.

I'm hoping that Natalie and Mason are having a good time while also not trying to think about what that means if they are having a good time together. I want the best for my sister and, even though Mason isn’t my closest and dearest friend, if the best for her is him then I am happy to support them and continue watching their daughter so that they can get back to who they are as a couple. The rest of the night is fairly uneventful and I go to sleep and wake up one time in the night when I hear Poppy making a little bit of squeaky noises but she falls right back to sleep and doesn’t wake up again until six in the morning.

After making breakfast for the two of us, I take Poppy outside to get some fresh air and check on the newborn calf. I have her strapped to my chest in a baby carrier because she's not walking yet and unless I want her to crawl on the dirty ground, I've learned strapping her to me makes life a lot easier.

“What do you think, Tootsie Pop? Isn't he cute?”

Her answer is a lot of babble, which I assume translates to her telling me that the calf is her new best friend. After bringing her in close enough for her to touch him, she squeals and kicks her little feet, coming dangerously close to hitting me square in the family jewels.

“Careful,” I say, holding her ankles lightly.

She giggles in return.

“Should we name him?” I ask my niece, even though she can't talk and respond to me. “Hmm. He looks like a Murphy to me, don't you think?”

I kiss Poppy on the cheek and we leave what I call the nursery, even though it's nothing like a nursery that most people think of. It's a beautiful day, so we walk around a bit then take care of a few other chores.

Shooting off a quick text to Natalie, I tell her:

Me:Tootsie Pop's doing great. She can stay as long as you need. Hope you had a good night. Just don't tell me any details. Love you.

I hit send and slide my phone back in my pocket and go back inside the house. After making Poppy a bottle and myself a cup of coffee, I sit down with her in the recliner. Natalie hasn't responded to my text and I’m taking that as a good thing that the two of them had a great time together and maybe decided to sleep in a little bit. And that, right there, is the exact extent of how much I want to think of the reason why she's not responding to me.

It doesn't take me long to get Poppy comfortable while she drinks her bottle. Something I never do during the day is watch television but since Poppy needs a nap and it's Saturday morning, I figure I might as well flip through the channels and see what's on. I settle onDirty Jobsand chuckle as Mike Rowe learns what it's like to inseminate a cow. Outside, I hear thunder rumble in the distance and remember that we're supposed to get some storms in the early afternoon. Perfect day to hang out with Poppy inside.

Me:Just heard some thunder and thought I'd beg for another day with my Tootsie Pop. It sounds like a good day to chill out with my girl. I'll bring her home tomorrow if it's okay with you. We're going to go to the store quick before the rain. Well, after she wakes up, that is.

Natalie:Sorry! Sorry! I didn't reply earlier. We just went to breakfast together. Do you know how long it’s been since we’ve done that? Forever!

Me:Sounds like you had a good time?

Natalie:For sure. Also. I think Hollow Grove needs an IHOP. That was so yummy.

I roll my eyes even though she can’t see me. Hollow Grove has fewer than ten thousand people. There’s no way we’ll get an IHOP. Though, I can’t deny that it would be awesome. I love their food, too, but I have to drive over an hour to go so it doesn’t happen.

Me:Thanks. Now I want pancakes. Sounds like Poppy and I will have breakfast for dinner tonight.

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