Page 16 of Ardently Yours

When Steve died, I felt so hopeless and out of control. I still miss Steve constantly, and I despise that Bronnie won’t ever know her father, but the life insurance policy, and then this scholarship . . . it feels like the universe is telling me not to give up.

And Bronnie too. She is so amazing. Probably all parents feel this way. I can tell how much you love your boys just from your emails.

When Bronnie smiles and giggles, it’s almost impossible for me to see the world as gray and miserable.

Thank you so much again for sending those links my way. In September, I’ll be a college student!!!

I’m not offended by what you said about Steve. I appreciate it. What you said about trying to be good partners reminded me of my dad. He always says the secret to a happy marriage is when you disagree, it should be the two of you fighting together to solve the problem, not fighting to win an argument.

As for healing, I did see a therapist all last year. It started out as grief counseling, but it ended up including a lot more. There were things I couldn’t talk about, but there was a lot that I could.

I’ll never be exactly the person I was, but maybe I’m scarred over? Or is that a kind of healing in itself? I’m doing well.

Speaking of doing well, I’m attaching a pic of me and Bronnie standing in front of the Blackwater Bear statue with my acceptance letter.

Apparently, it’s a rite of passage for drunk frat boys to pee on it, which is SO disgusting and disrespectful. Obviously, I didn’t let Bronnie climb on it, even though, as you can see from the picture, she REALLY wanted to.

Charlotte

June 21, 1996

Dear Charlotte,

That photo made me laugh out loud. She’s a determined little thing, isn’t she?

Frat boys are a whole different breed of immaturity. I know because, once upon a time, I was one. I recommend avoiding them at all costs.

Congratulations on the scholarship. I had a good feeling about it.

I noticed Bronnie’s eye color turned lighter. They look like yours now. Gabriel’s did that too. He was born with dark blue eyes, but by the time he was a year old, they’d turned light green. His temperament reminds me a bit of the way you describe Bronnie. He bounces around a lot, and he’s always ready to laugh.

I know what you mean when you say “scarred over.” Some things always leave a mark. In the thick of it, it’s hard to imagine ever living without pain again. That’s been my experience too. I love that you found your smile.

Your father sounds wise. It would take a lot of faith in your spouse to have that kind of marriage. It’s one thing to knowyouhave positive intent. It’s another to find someone you could count on to treat you the same way. Trust in a marriage is everything.

What an incredible relationship that would be.

Arden

Approximately Two and a Half Months Later

October 8, 1996

Dear Arden,

I wondered if I shouldn’t bother you with my email. When you said to write from time to time, I wasn’t sure if that meant once a year or when I had something interesting to share. You obviously have more important things happening than reading about my little life in Blackwater, lol.

I hope your job isn’t taking too big of a toll on you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the person responsible for prosecuting dangerous criminals and having to cope with the horrible things evil people do. It’s not just the pressure of your responsibilities. I imagine you’ve had to hear and see things that haunt you. I always worried about Steve because he wanted to do the same thing.

All of it has to wear on your soul. It’s not something I could do, but I appreciate that the world has people like you who can.

I’m really proud to know you, Arden. Maybe that sounds like a strange thing for me to say, but sometimes it’s nice to hear kind (true) words, and I don’t know if anyone has said it to you lately.

As for me, I’m loving school. I’m lucky because my credits from Columbia transferred, so I only have three years ahead of me for my undergrad.

Bronnie adores the campus childcare center. I get to have lunch with her every day.

No need to write back if you’re too busy. But I was thinking about you and wanted you to know it.

---