Page 71 of Saving You

“Yeah. I’ve always wanted a big family.”

Sarah and Max both smile at me before exchanging looks with one another.

Loraine comes back to the table with a hot pot of spaghetti. She puts it in the centre of the table and retreats to the kitchen, then she comes back with garlic bread and salad. Once everything is set, we all dig in. Caleb makes Charlie’s plate, and we pass the food around the table.

I ask Sarah and Max questions, learning that Sarah is a paralegal at a law firm downtown and Max is an architect. Loraine was a bookkeeper for a few different businesses, offering her the flexibility needed to raise the two boys on her own. For dessert, we eat a homemade apple pie Loraine pulls out of the oven and some vanilla ice cream.

Throughout the night, I notice Charlie become more comfortable being here and being with new people. During dessert, she talks with Sarah about her favourite shows and what she likes most about her school.

When we finish, I help Loraine clear the table. She tries to wave me off, but I ignore her. I’m not going to let her take my daughter and me in for a meal and let her cook and clean by herself. We finally agree that I’ll wash and she can dry and put away.

I’m arm deep in warm soapy water when she says, “Thank you.”

I smile at her. “Of course, I don’t mind helping out with dishes. You cooked an amazing meal.”

She gives me a sad smile. “No, I mean with Caleb. He’s been closed off since his dad died. It’s nice to see him so happy. I was worried he’d never get that.”

“He’s done much more for me than I have for him,” I say, continuing to wash the dishes. “He’s taken us in after some stuff went down with my ex. I’m not sure how I’ll ever repay him for it, or what I’ll do when he decides that he’s ready for us to move out.”

My stomach knots at the thought of leaving Caleb’s place. I love my home. I inherited it from my parents when they passed. But it’s not my safe space anymore. Derek took that from me. Maybe I need to list it and find a new one. One with new memories. Make a new safe space. The thought doesn’t undo the knots in my stomach.

“Don’t rush to any conclusions,” Loraine says, interrupting my thoughts. “My boys are both stubborn. They don’t do anything they don’t want to. Remember that. I can see your brain is over there telling you things that may not be true.”

“I’ve learned to never make assumptions and to rely on myself.”

Before I know what’s happening, I’m being pulled into an all-encompassing hug. I’m stiff at first, not knowing what to do, but when she doesn’t release me, I melt into her. I wrap my arms around her slender frame and allow the smell of her perfume to invade my senses.

“You’re not alone anymore. You have us. You have a family to support you.”

Her words crack me. It’s like the shell I’ve had surrounding me for the last few years has slowly been chipped at and her words are the final undoing. The pieces of my shell fall to the ground around me and the tears fall. The tears are a relief, as though they’re washing away all the pain and heartache I’ve had to protect myself from.

They don’t stop; they turn from light crying into soul-wrenching sobs that have my entire body shaking. Not once does Loraine release me. Her hand rubs soothingly over my back as she holds me.

“Baby?” Caleb’s voice breaks through the air.

His mother steps back, allowing him to see me. When he does, the look of pain on his face has me sobbing even more. It’s written all over his face how deeply seeing me cry hurts him. He pulls me against him, and I rest my head on his chest, allowing the sound of his beating heart to soothe me. His fingers run through the ends of my hair in the way he’s learned has a calming effect on me. When my sobs finally subside, I lean my head back and he places his hands gently on either side ofmy face.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

He leans down and gently kisses over the remaining tears on my cheeks. “Don’t ever apologize for feeling your feelings, baby.”

He stares into my eyes, and I stare right back, memorized by the softness in the steely colour.

“What happened?”

“Your mother is amazing.”

He smiles at the remark. “She is, but what caused you to feel so much that you needed to cry?”

“She said I don’t need to only rely on myself now, that we have a family to rely on.”

“She’s right. I know you’ve spent so much time only being able to count on yourself and Lily, but that’s not the case anymore. You have me. Always. You have Liv and Josh, and you might not realize it yet, but you also have Zoey, Hannah, Liz, Matt, and Grayson. You have my family. You’re not alone anymore.”

I fist his shirt in my hands. “I hear your words, but after doing everything on my own for so long, it’s hard to realize the truth behind them.”

“I know, baby, but I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how true they are.”

He leans down and kisses me. It’s soft and intimate, one that’s meant to be just a kiss, with no other goals or intentions. The idea that we’re in a place where we can kiss each other with no need to take it further warms my soul. It’s not a lack of desire, but rather a sense of contentment that a single act of affection brings each of us.

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