Page 66 of Nanny for the SEAL

“No!”

I shoot up in bed, disoriented and trying to piece together where I am. There’s a soft bed beneath me. I’m not in the field. I haven’t been for years. It was a dream.

A nightmare.

My pulse is still racing, and I’m struggling to slow down my breathing.Dammit. Come on, breathe, Xaden.

Gripping the sheets, I process more of where I am.

I’m home. We went to bed a little while ago. Daisy had a fun day with Ivy at the park. We ate dinner. I have been home all day.

There’s no mission. There’s no target.

“Hey,” comes a small voice from next to me, and I look down, finding Ivy sitting up in the bed, “are you okay?”

I’m almost not able to answer, too happy and shocked that she’s there—that she’s real.

“I’m…shit. I’m sorry. I had a, umm, nightmare.”

She pulls herself into a better seat, laying her hand on my arm as she offers a sympathetic smile.

“Oh, no. I’m sorry. But hey, you’re not there. You’re home. You’re safe.”

I know that she’s saying the words because that’s what a child would want to hear after a bad dream. But the truth is, I still appreciate it.

It’s hard to remember where I am right now, and Idoneed to hear that I’m safe, that I’m not where I thought I was.

Shakily, I let out a long exhale, calling on my therapeutic training to slow down my nervous system.

Reset yourself. Take a breath. Breathing actually signals the parasympathetic nervous system. It helps. Come on. You can do it.

Ivy stays quiet as I regulate myself, but she doesn’t leave the situation. She’s still totally checked in, watching my reactions and holding my eyes as she strokes her thumb across my skin.

The tension recedes, and I’m able to nod at her, letting her know that the worst is over.

“Thank you.” I close my eyes for a moment, taking one more deep breath. “I’m alright.”

“Was it about your time serving?” she asks gently.

Ivy’s picked up on the clues as we’ve gotten to know each other, spotting the photos of me in uniform and hearing me mention it briefly. While I haven’t been as forthcoming as I should be, Ivy at least knows that, yes, I was a SEAL.

And yes, it was…rough.

I nod. “Yeah. A, umm, a mission I was on. It was one of the handful that didn’t go well.”

Ivy scoots closer, reaching up her hands to cup either side of my face. “You’re here.”

I nod again, closing my eyes as I focus on the feeling of her touch on my cheeks.

After a moment, Ivy drags her hands away only to take mine. She squeezes gently, and I look down at her and find a mournful smile of support.

“Do you want to talk about it? Get it out of your head?”

She’s offered before, and I’ve never taken her up on it. Still, maybe it’s time to just…let go a little, unburden.

“We were set to take out a target. I was stationed in the building across from the target’s location. I made a mistake. A small one. But it was loud, attracted attention, and the opposition heard. They converged on my location, and I had to think fast. I…”

The words get stuck, and I have to clear my throat, shaking my head. This memory has haunted me quite a bit. It’s right up there with the worst days in the field.

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