Page 70 of The Sweetest Risk

“I want to talk about Tristan.”

“On that note, I’m leaving.” I start to stand up, but Bradley places his hand on my hand and looks at me, pleading with meto stay. I remember that look all too well. He would do that when we were kids and teenagers, when we wanted something done without saying anything to each other or without our parents knowing.

“Please, Brooke. Sit down.”

I take a seat, sighing. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Brooke, c’mon. You should just forgive him.”

Is he serious?I scoff, “What? Why haveyouforgiven him? He hurt me, Bradley.”

“I know he did, but he did all that…Ugh it’s going to sound twisted and is probably going to come out wrong…but he did that because I can tell that he fucking loves you, Brooke.”

Those words make the dam break. I can’t hold back my tears. I believed Tristan loved me for the past couple of months. It was my blissful reality, but then a new one set in the moment Bradley exposed Tristan’s dirty little secret. I place my palm to my cheek and wipe away the tears.

Bradley’s eyes are earnest. “He loves you. And I don’t want you to push away someone who loves you the way that Tristan loves you.”

I try to blink away the stubborn tears.

“And Brooke, the whole thing about the captain’s spot, I can tell you right now that I’ve heard some rumors that he doesn’t care about that. Not anymore.”

When I speak, my voice wobbles. “Well he shouldn’t have done that in the first place. It doesn’t change anything at all for me. He toyed with my heart to try and advance in his career. How can you be okay with this?”

“I guess because I know that he really does love you. I know what that is like, Brooke. When you meet someone who completely alters your whole world. Someone that you would do anything for. The fact that he probably did all of it to protect you from Hastings and his bad intentions… that’s the only way thatI am okay with it. And I know how much you are missing him because you’ve been kind of a bitch the last few weeks.”

“Way to kick a girl when she is down, Brad.” I unroll the silverware and wipe my face with a cloth napkin.

“I think it’s because you love him, too. You are just too damn stubborn and full of your own pride to take him back. No matter how much you think you hate him or how much you are hurt, Brooke, I think he is the one for you. I think he always has been. He looks at you like I’ve never seen any other man look at you.”

Now I am full-on crying because I don’t want to feel this way about a man. Sitting in these feelings sucks. Having my brother say these things about his best friend brings forth a new reality that even though his initial reaction was not ideal, he is ultimately okay with this whole situation and that all along, my brotherhasbeen paying attention.

“He supports your dreams,” Bradley continues. “He even stood up to Mom and Dad. That’s…that’s huge. I always suspected that he had a thing for you. And it wasn’t fair of me to step in and put up that boundary that he could never be with you. That wasn’t my call to make. I couldn’t imagine if someone told me that I couldn’t be with Jen. And I know Tristan is a loyal enough friend to never cross that line with me, but the universe pushed you two together anyway, even with my boundary. The universe doesn’t give a shit about plans or boundaries. ”

Even though he is saying all of these sweet and validating things, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a while now, and I finally have the courage to speak it out loud. I sniffle and say, “And why didn’tyoudefend me with Mom and Dad? You were always there when Mom would belittle me and compare me to you. Why didn’t you ever step in and say something to them? Especially to Mom.”

Bradley hangs his head. “I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I’m sorry. I should’ve. I’m your big brother and I should’ve protected you.”

“It’s not just about protection. It’s just being there for me, that’s all. You know I always wanted them to be as proud of me as they are of you. But it was obvious to see that they weren’t. Because you got all the attention. I am not saying they never praised me or said ‘good job’ on my accomplishments. It’s just – I lived in your shadow my whole life, Bradley. You’re my big brother and you are super talented at sports and make tons of money and are crazy successful. You know? And then you have the perfect relationship with Jen –”

“It’s not perfect,” he interjects. “She’s pretty pissed at me right now with this whole situation.”

Jen has my back.“It’s damn near perfect, okay. Meanwhile I am over here single after I let go of a relationship with Nick that wasn’t really fulfilling what I needed to fulfill. Instead of being proud of me for that, Mom is judging me for it. Mom chose Dad and I was maybe going to marry someone like Dad, and I thought he was going to be it for me because that was standard in our household, but I guess I always wanted more and I feel like I am criticized for that and put down for that. You know, I have dreams too and I feel like I am a pretty good baker and just because it wasn’t an innate talent and I actually had to work for it and sharpen my skills, doesn’t mean it’s any less important… and I need Mom and Dad to see that.”

Bradley looks defeated by my words. It’s a look on my brother that I am not familiar with at all. He always stands tall and looks so confident in everything he says or does. Seeing him like this shakes me almost as much as the moment Tristan told me that he has loved me since the first time he saw me.

My brother is really listening to me.

I go on. “Yes, Tristan defended me, but it should’ve been you. And I am not holding it against you because I love you. I just need you to know that you should’ve been there more. You should’ve seen the way they would talk to me. An intricate weaving of little comments that built up. Invalidating everything that I’ve worked for – and did you know I am one of the best kindergarten teachers in the district? I love those kids and I love baking and I am really trying to make it work and it’s not like I need your help with that. I want some acknowledgement that I am doing okay too, you know?”

Bradley lets out a long breath. “Shit Brooke, I don’t know what to say. My whole life is wrapped up in hockey and yeah, I always liked the attention, but I should’ve looked out for you and we should have celebrated your accomplishments and dreams more as a family. I am so damn proud of you, sis. You have no idea how proud. And I know Mom and Dad are proud of you, too. They may not say it all the time, but they care. I am not defending Mom in any way because I know that she has hurt you with her comments and she does unfortunately compare us, but I think she sees a lot of herself in you.”

I dab the napkin against my cheeks. “What do you mean?”

“She had dreams, too, before she had us, B. I think she wants you to have more than she ended up with. Not that she’s not happy. I know she loves us and Dad, but she didn’t get to pursue her dreams and was a stay-at-home mom. She sees so much potential in what you can become. She might be projecting her feelings and fears onto you. Not saying that’s fair, but us Becketts have a way of putting up walls by deflecting or ignoring our emotions. Or like me and you, we like to set rules and follow them to avoid getting hurt. We avoid facing our fears. I’m learning that life doesn’t care about the rules you have for yourself or for others. Things that are inevitable in life are going to happen. It’s out of our control.”

I sniffle again. “I don’t like being out of control.”

I think about what my brother is saying about my mom. Maybe her constant criticism is her twisted way of trying to protect me. Maybe it is her way of projecting her fear of me possibly failing or being judged, or maybe she even wants more for me than what the cards dealt her in life. I think there is a lot for us to talk about, but I want to feel better emotionally before I even think about tackling my relationship with my mother. There’s a whole other relationship that Bradley is asking me to consider right now and I just don’t know if I can ever forgive Tristan or let him into my heart again. He has hurt me twice. And this time was so much worse. He had every chance to tell me about the bet, and he didn’t.

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