Page 6 of Save the Date

“But what ifIwas the reason? And now I’ve changed?”

“Explain.”

“Do you remember what I was like before Ryan? I was an anxious mess who self-sabotaged pretty much every relationship I could force my way into. But now, I’m more confident, I have better coping tools and I’m securely attached. It wouldn’t even be like returning to an old relationship because I am basically a completely different person. I’m Emma 2.0.”

“I caught you crying in your car thirty minutes ago.”

“Because I’m grieving. Emma 1.0 would have been hysterically calling Ryan over and over and demanding he return to me. Now, I just cry in random places by myself. That’s progress, baby.”

Imani narrowed her brown eyes in thought. Emma sensed she might be on the verge of winning her best friend over. She just had to stick the landing.

“Do you already have someone in mind? And you better not say—”

“Tony.”

“Absolutely not. Nope. Unsubscribe.”

Imani had never met Tony in real life, but she had heard enough about him over the years to form a strong (negative) opinion. He and Emma had officially broken up about a month before Emma started her grad program six years ago. But Emma had kept tabs on him, occasionally sending a flirty message or birthday greeting, obsessively dissecting their failed dynamicwith Imani over many a late-night drink. There had also been a few whirlwind weekends spent together that never resulted in anything other than hurt feelings. She’d finally stopped reaching out once she was with Ryan, which she’d privately viewed as a major indication of her growth. Except now Emma was right back where she was at twenty-six: thinking about Tony.

“I don’t get it. The biggest issue you had with this guy was that he couldn’t commit and now you think he’s going to want to marry you in six months? Why in the world would he want to do that?” Imani said before half-heartedly adding, “No offense.”

“Offense taken. But I’m not completely delusional. I know Tony has a habit of jumping from girl to girl with more than the occasional overlap. But what we had was different. I know it sounds arrogant and maybe completely misguided, but I genuinely think that if given the explicit choice, he would take the leap with me rather than lose me forever.”

Imani sighed, her reason and resolve dwindling in the face of Emma’s fanaticism.

“As your friend, I hope you’re right. As a therapist, I have to tell you that’s very worrisome to hear.”

Emma laughed. It was also a bit worrisome to feel, but she felt like she owed it to her heart and her twenty-six-year-old self to at least see what might happen. If Tony turned her down, well, she’d experienced worse.

“Thank you for pretending to support me.”

“I just don’t understand the hold this guy has over you. I’ve seen his Instagram. It’s nothing special.”

“I think he was the first person I ever really loved,” Emma confessed, knowing this was only partially true.

Emma had fallen in love with pretty much everyone she had ever dated for more than three weeks. And one guy on vacation. The real difference, she knew, was that Tony had left his hooks in her. While past loves had faded into a distant memory—shecouldn’t even remember the first name of that guy in Tulum—Tony remained ever present in her mind. It always felt like only a few days had passed since she’d last seen him, even though it had technically been two years. She told herself that must mean something. Even if this type of magical thinking was exactly what she urged her clients to avoid.

“Well, the first person I ever loved is dead. You don’t see me trying to crawl into her coffin to reconnect,” Imani scoffed.

Imani had decided to become a therapist after her high school sweetheart died in a car accident and her school’s counselor helped her navigate the pain. It was a huge turning point for Imani, and she hoped her own lived experience could help others better navigate their own grief. It was also endless fodder for exceedingly morbid jokes. The only thing Imani liked more than using humor to cope was using it to make other people squirm. Fortunately, Emma was mostly immune to be being shocked at this point—with the exception of the “Great Abandonment” as she’d taken to calling it.

“I think our situations might be a bit different given that Tony is still alive. And, from my internet stalking, still single.”

“You mean to tell me a guy with overwhelming commitment issues hasn’t put a ring on it yet? Have you alerted the proper authorities?”

Emma chuckled despite herself. Imani might not have known Tony in the traditional sense, but she’d heard enough about him over the years to put together a fairly accurate picture. While Tony was undoubtedly a great guy in that he was funny, caring and creative, he was also a serial monogamist with an avoidant attachment style. This meant he often fell into relationships without really thinking. For him, having a girlfriend was basically like having a good friend you slept with sometimes. It didn’t mean he had to plan his life around a partnership or progress the relationship in any way. This would all be fine if his various girlfriends were on the same page. Instead,they spent months and sometimes years not understanding why their boyfriend didn’t seem to care about them all that much—Emma included.

But toward the end of whatever one might call their situationship, Emma had seen a flicker of real emotion. Tony hadn’t wanted her to leave, and she’d been secretly clinging to that high ever since. Tony also brought out a playfulness in Emma that she missed almost as much as she missed him.

“I guess I don’t actually know if he’s single. I just know he hasn’t posted about dating anyone lately so whatever he’s up to can’t be that serious.”

“Does heeverpost his partners on social media?”

“He posted me once! After I threw a fit and threatened to date his friend. To this day I’m the only person he’s ever gone social media public with.”

“That’s not the slam dunk you think it is.”

Emma knew Imani was right. But one of the benefits of having your life blown up was that you could take a big risk without it ruining everything. Because everything was already ruined.

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