Page 11 of Crash & Burn

Which I,apparently,will be at.

Standing at crowded venues.

With blasting music.

Taking pictures.

“You good?” Mateo asks me.

I nod. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just going to watch for now.”

His look is questioning, but he lets it go. “Remember, we need pictures of everything. Feel it out for a bit, and then you’re going to need to pull that camera out.”

Exactly what I don’t want to do, but I keep that to myself and give him another nod.

“We ready?” Mateo asks the other three, who did a good job of pretending not to listen to Mateo and my conversation. Since the warehouse isn’t very big, the five of us are going to becomeverycomfortable with each other over the next few weeks.

Eddie responds with a few hits on the bass drum, and then clicks his drumsticks together three times to signal for Theo to start with his opening riff.

Before he can use his tattooed fingers to swipe his guitar pic over the strings, I take a deep breath in.

I can do this,I tell myself.It’s just music.

I’ve heard these five songs dozens of times, but it’s been a while.

As I exhale, the song begins, and Mateo’s vocals start.

His voice has a rasp to it that makes it unique, and the lyrics always seem like they were made for him to sing. He and Silas used to do most of the writing, but ever since Eddie joined the band, he has taken on writing the lyrics.

The five songs in their set are made up of three older songs, their rock cover of “When I’m Alone” by Post Malone, and one song they are still working on and will debut at the first show they do for their mini tour.

Their cover of Post Malone is Mateo’s tribute to me because he’s my favorite artist, and I used to listen to his albums religiously.

As the guys practice their opening song, I can’t help but close my eyes and try to find a familiar beat that may help me figure out the song from my dream that I can’t get out of my head.

Just as I start to feel like the song is coming to me through the melody playing, my heart starts beating faster, and my mind takes over.

“Nico?” I call out as I knock on his bedroom door. He was supposed to meet me at a restaurant near campus, but he didn’t show. His place is only a few blocks away, so I decide to go check on him when he didn’t answer my texts.

We got into a fight the night before. I was stressed about finishing a paper because my grades would impact finding an internship for next year. Nico was frustrated I wasn’t paying attention to what he came over to show me. It was the February of my sophomore year and things were picking up, so we fought.

I was mad.

He was mad.

We both said things we didn’t mean.

But I love him. I will always love him. I don’t know why I let my anger get the best of me and tell him otherwise. I didn’t mean it when I said loving him was becoming a burden.

That couldn’t be anything further from the truth.

“Nico,” I call out again as I twist the doorknob of his bedroom door.

“STOP!” Mateo’s bark tears me out of my thoughts. Luckily, I was pulled out before I could spiral with no hope of getting myself out of it. I am, however, left with a familiar feeling of defeat—the need for a release that never comes. Like the frustration of not being able to place why something seems familiar, but being constantly reminded of it.

This is why I do not let myself listen to music, why it shouldn’t be anything more than background noise. Whenever I feel like I’m beginning to place the melody that I only hear in my memories and dreams, the song changes or stops or my thoughts take over.

I buried the memory too deep and I can’t uncover it no matter how hard I try.

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