Page 39 of Life After

“And I do. Every single day.” This was a waste of time. Suzanne didn’t care about anything Jen was saying. “Before I leave and we go our separate ways, I wanted to thank you. For seeing me for me. For enjoying being with me. For…giving me hope for the future. Because that’s exactly what I felt with you. Hopeful.” Jen laughed and shook her head. “But I think I’m done now. What’s the point in trying to get my life back on track when people won’t give me the chance to do that?”

“I’m sure a lot of people will give you that chance.”

Jen’s bottom lip trembled as she stared back at Suzanne. The distance felt greater than anything she could tackle. “But not you. The only person I really care about lately.”

She opened the door and stepped out onto the garden path. Suzanne didn’t follow, but Jen hadn’t expected her to. It was quite clear there was no coming back from this. Closing the door softly, Jen swallowed down the lump in her throat, but it was no use. The tears slid down her face at a speed she couldn’t comprehend.

Face it. You’ve fucked your entire life up.

Three hours.That’s how long Jen had spent walking the streets in the rain. She hadn’t stopped off anywhere, she hadn’t looked another person in the eye, she had just walked. Until she couldn’t walk anymore. The idea of going inside and telling her mum it was over with Suzanne was putting her off opening the front door. The sympathetic look she knew was coming just wasn’t what Jen needed right now.

Could Jen leave and start fresh somewhere else? Could she maybe set herself up in Europe amongst the ex-pats, hoping she didn’t bump into anyone she knew? Jen didn’t know what her next step would be, but it wouldn’t include Suzanne. That woman had washed her hands of Jen the moment Tracy set foot inside that house.

Shivering from her damp coat, Jen slid her key into the lock and quietly made her way inside. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see her mum right now, so she would creep up the stairs and hope Denise forgot she existed for the rest of the night. Because that’s how Jen felt right now. As though she may as well not exist. Life was pointless if she couldn’t move on.

“Jen?” The living room door opened as she tried to close the front door quietly. “What are you doing home? I thought you were staying at Suzanne’s tonight?”

“Yeah, um…change of plans.”

“Oh, well, I’ve just put a film on if you wanted to join me?”

Jen briefly looked in her mum’s direction as she walked down the small hallway. “I think I’m just going to call it a night.” Her voice broke unexpectedly, but she hoped her mum didn’t catch it. “Goodnight, Mum.”

“Jen, love. What’s going on?”

“N-nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.” Jen lifted a shoulder as a tear slid down her face and gathered at her jawline. “You have a nice night, okay?”

“Something happened, didn’t it?” Denise regarded Jen with an understanding smile. “Between you and Suzanne.”

“It’s over, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Denise sighed and took Jen’s hand. “Come on in here. Talk to me.”

“I don’t really know what to say, Mum. I’m not sure there’s anythingtosay.” Jen’s entire body felt heavy. Her joints ached, her eyes burned, and she had a raging headache. “Suzanne knows I was sent down, and now I’m back here…”

Denise tugged Jen into the living room and closed the door. She took the bag from her hand, removed her coat, and guided Jen towards the couch. “Sit down and breathe for five minutes. Take a moment to gather your thoughts.”

Jen had spent the last three hours with her thoughts. She didn’t need to gather them. She needed them to fuck off and leave her alone. “It turns out that Suzanne’s best friend is one of the prison guards from my wing.”

“Oh, love. That’s unfortunate,” Denise said as she sat beside Jen. “What happened this evening?”

“Not a lot, really. I went over there, and Suzanne asked me to leave. She said some…hurtful things, but that’s understandable. I lied to her. Well, maybe I didn’t lie, but I wasn’t forthcoming with the truth, either. She has every right to hate me.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, love. You’ve spoken about her so much to me, and I got the impression that things were going very well.”

Jen smiled as she stared down at her lap. “They were. I was so close to telling her I was falling in love with her. But I can’t blame her for feeling how she does now. She thinks I deceived her, but it wasn’t like that. I just wanted to love her, Mum. That’s all I’ve wanted from the moment I knew it was serious. To love her, and hopefully, one day, be loved in return.”

Denise wrapped her arms around Jen and held her close. “Give her some time. She needs to process and then the two of you can meet and talk through it all.”

“No. She’s done. She hates me. I hate me. Even you probably hate me, but you’re too much of a good person to show it.” Jen scoffed as she brushed the back of her hand against her cheek. “I don’t know what the point is anymore, Mum. The point ofme. I just…I bringnothingto anyone’s life.”

“Don’t you dare, Jen. You bring so much to a lot of people’s lives.”

“Well, where are these people? Who gives a shit about me other than you? Even Grace has stopped calling me because of Dan. My own sister. The kid I used to stand up for against the bullies.”

“You leave Grace and Dan to me.”

Jen pulled back and looked at her mum. “I always wish it was me, you know. Instead of Ruby. She had so much going for her, so much to do with her life, and I just… I wish it had been me and not her.”

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