Page 42 of Life After

“Suzanne—”

“Don’t, Tracy. I had the chance to be happy, and I blew it. All because I listened to you instead of my heart.”

“I just wanted to be upfront with you. I’m sorry that it led to this.” Tracy sighed, then drained her wine glass. “If I hadn’t told you and you found out I knew, it would have been far worse.”

Suzanne lifted her glass full of wine from the table and moved into the kitchen. She emptied the contents down the sink, turning around when she felt Tracy’s eyes on her. “I think I’d like to be alone now. I have a headache, and I just want to soak in the bath.”

“Please don’t push me away, Suzanne.”

Suzanne nodded slowly as she rested back against the counter. “I’ll call you. When I’m ready to.”

Chapter 16

Jen brushedthe blades of grass from the base of Ruby’s headstone, kneeling down so she could give her picture a wipe-over. She loved the picture Lyn had chosen for her daughter’s grave. It showed the real Ruby. The fun-loving Ruby. The Ruby that Jen would always remember. Laughing and smiling, her eyes bright. Jen had actually been the one to take this particular picture while they were on holiday together in Greece. It was the very same one she had framed in her bedroom and the very same one she had stuck to the wall in her prison cell. This picture was the picture that had kept Jen going for all these years. When Jen looked at it, she felt as though Ruby was still with her.

She sighed, wishing she could find the words to describe the pain she felt whenever she visited Ruby’s grave. It had been five and a half years since her death, and Jen still struggled to understand. She always would, but she’d made peace with that. It wasn’t something her brain was able to comprehend, so she chose to block it out while remembering Ruby for all of the amazing memories she had given to her.

“You won’t believe what I did recently,” Jen said, sitting on the grass and crossing her legs. “Fell in love with a gorgeous woman…and then I fucked it up.”

Jen knew Ruby would be rolling her eyes. At one time, she was notorious for getting it wrong with women. Ruby had been there for her on so many occasions, but then Jen met Lizzie, and her life fell into place. She had a woman she loved and her best friend. She didn’t need anything else. Only Jen had gone on to lose Lizzie, too. Her fiancée couldn’t handle Jen at her worst, and Jen didn’t blame her for that. Two years after Ruby’s death and two years before Jen was arrested, Lizzie had chosen to call it a day. As far as Jen was aware, Lizzie was now married, and her wife was pregnant.

And Jen…well, she was just existing.

“I should have been honest with her from the start, and I know that, but being with her just felt so great that I didn’t want to risk her knowing the truth. She was so good for me, Rubes. It was like we just understood one another. She’s been through shit too, and I don’t know.” Jen rubbed a hand down her face. “I made another mistake, I guess. Story of my life lately.”

Jen could only apologise to everyone she had hurt over the years, but apologies were never enough. Ruby would have forgiven her without a second thought, but everyone else? No. Not in this lifetime.

“You would have loved Suzanne, and I think she would have loved you, too.”

“Jen?”

Jen frowned as she looked over her shoulder. It was Ruby’s mum. She scrambled to her feet, brushing any grass from her backside. “Hi, Lyn. Good to see you.”

“I didn’t know you were coming here today.”

Why would she? Lyn didn’t accept Jen’s calls or any other form of contact these days. “I had the afternoon off from work, and I just wanted to chat with her. But I can go. I’ll come back another time.”

Lyn didn’t respond. She just looked at Ruby’s grave and cleared her throat.

“So, um…it was nice seeing you. I hope you’re doing okay.”

“Yes. Fine.” Lyn looked down at the roses in her hand. “Take care, Jen.”

“Lyn, have I done something to upset you? It’s just that I sent letters and tried to call, but I haven’t heard anything back from you.”

“Upset me?” Lyn laughed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’d even ask me that.”

Jen’s brows drew together. “I…I don’t?—”

“My daughter lost her life. And you? You chose to ruin yours.” Lyn scoffed as she blinked back tears. “I can’t forgive you for that. You had the chance to make something of yourself. To grow and live a life she couldn’t. But no. It had to be all about you and your fuck ups once she died.”

Jen cast her gaze on the grass. “Y-yeah. I get that.”

“So, yes. Iamupset with you, Jen. I wish you well, and I hope you can recover from the shit you put your family through, but I don’t want to associate with you anymore. I don’t want to remember your mistakes every time I look at you. I don’t want to hear your name in the same sentence as my daughter’s. You had so much potential. You had so much to look forward to.” Lyn frowned. “You even told me you’d help me when it came to raising funds that could help with research into SADS, but you didn’t. Because you only thought about yourself.”

“I am sorry. For everything. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. In a heartbeat. But I can’t change what I did. I can only live with the consequences and hope that one day, people can find it inside themselves to forgive me.”

“Well, you’ll be waiting a very long time for any forgiveness from me.” Lyn stepped past Jen and lay the roses at the foot of Ruby’s headstone. “I’d like to be alone with my daughter now.”

---