Page 135 of Even Beneath the Stars

And locked it.

Now he locks it anytime he's up there.And it hurts.

Days pass, and I don't know if he's mad at me or at himself. I don't know if he's sad, or lonely, or regretful. Or God, maybe he really is as apathetic as he's letting on.

Only, if he really is apathetic, he wouldn't go to the effort of locking me out, right? You don't lock someone out who makes you feelnothing.

Which is why I’m determined not to give up on him. I am going to pester Xavier until he can no longer deny the growing pile of cold hard evidence thathe is not a disappointment.I am not going anywhere… And I still love him.

I write him a long letter that I leave on his bed, telling him how I feel. Explaining how wrong he is about being a disappointment, and why I think he's so convinced that he is. And the fact that those fears of never being good enough are not his fault. And so very false. Also, that all the while he believes them, he’s creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And he deserves so much more than that.

When the letter doesn't elicit any reaction, I get creative. Send him random weird texts that, if nothing else, I'm hoping will make him smile.

Maggs

just bombed my bio test. who knew ATP is crucial for energy?

also, does that make it ironic that i had none during the test?

And a couple of days later:

Maggs

Cam says ur jamming rn. here's a song title idea:

Lobster Pants and Khaki Dreams

GO!

???

hullo?

how 'bout: The Lobster Pants Got Me Kicked Out Of The Dive Bar?

When The Lobster Pants Come Off It's All Over?

???

Yeesh. work with me here, will ya?

And a few days after that, I attach a photo of socks with Cookie Monster faces all over them.

Maggs

should i buy these socks for u?

yes?

no?

???

bought the socks. i'll leave them on your bed

I find the socks the next evening in the garbage in my bathroom. Which I take as a win. That took some planning—making sure I wasn't home, going into my bathroom and depositing the socks in my bin.

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