Page 52 of Breakaway Goal

James is nice, caring, we have a lot in common, we get along, we have things to talk about … by any objective criteria, I couldn’t design a more fitting guy to have my first kiss with, to potentially be my first boyfriend.

But I know why kissing him made alarm bells go off in the recesses of my mind and at the bottom of my heart. It’s a simple reason.

He wasn’t Rhys.

I know I need to get past the idea of being with Rhys. I’ve been telling myself that practically all my life, and especially so this semester. But … areallmy firsts going to be this disappointing? Are all my firsts going to feel so … wrong?

Maybe there’s only one way to avoid that.

Only one way to move on from my obsession with Rhys that’s already spoiled my first kiss; only one way to keep it from spoiling an even bigger first, from turning a moment that should be exciting and meaningful into a dismal, depressing letdown.

The thought of feeling the way I do now after losing my virginity makes the backs of my eyes prick with hot tears. I don’t want a moment like that to be steeped in regret.

But I’d never regret it if my first time was with Rhys.

I can’t get my first kiss back, but all my other firsts are still ahead of me. If they’re with Rhys, I know they wouldn’t be disappointing. They’d be mind-blowing. I wouldn’t regret those memories—I’d cherish them.

For the first time, the thought of sharing my first time with Rhys appears in my head as more than just a dream, but as a real possibility. And it feelsright.

With a push of resolution, I send Rhys a text.

I need to see you.

It’s Friday night. Rhys could be anywhere. At a party, out at a bar with his teammates, with another girl. Besides, I’ve been ignoring him for a week. It’s only fair if he does the same.

I don’t expect him to get back to me until tomorrow, and by then, maybe what I’m feeling right now will wear off, and I’ll chicken out of asking him what I plan to now.

But almost instantly, he does reply.

Rhys

Where are you? I’ll be right here.

Warmth fills my chest. Even after fighting with him for a week, he’s willing to drop whatever he’s doing in an instant just because I sent him a text.

Maybe that means he really will be willing to do what I’m preparing to ask him. My heart thunders in my chest.

I tell him where I am, at a courtyard on the edge of campus. He responds instantly that he’ll be right over.

I take a deep breath and pinch myself. The pain on my arm confirms that this isn’t a dream. I’m awake. This is real. And I’m about to ask one of my best friends in the world to take my virginity.

26

RHYS

Ipractically run the whole way from my house to where Maddie is. Alarm fires through my nerves the whole time. Something’s obviously wrong judging by the text she sent me, and I’m not going to be able to calm down until I see she’s okay.

My heart stutters when she comes into view. When I see that she seems okay, my throat loosens enough for me to take a steady breath for the first time since I got her message.

But when I approach her closer, something does seem off, and my guard is up again. Her hands are nervously clutched together in front of her. Her shoulders are tight, and there’s a jittery edginess in her eyes.

“What happened?” I ask. “Are you okay?”

She nods, her expression still clouded. “I’m fine. It’s just …”

“What?” I ask as she trails off.

She takes a deep, steadying breath. “I kissed a guy.”

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