Page 62 of Failed State

“I know that, Calvin, but she’s one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met—and I’ve only known her a little more than a week. This is important toallof us, as she could get us killed by falling into one of these K-holes of past trauma.”

Shaking his hands off, I glare up at the vampire. “Okay, I get it. Thad’s right; you only have to say it once. I need to work through some shit so I don’t fuck up. Now back off, okay?”

Huck pushes through them, looking at me with that fond softness he has sometimes. “Sweet pea, no one wants to make your problem worse. We want to help, and as much as I don’t trust the bloodsucker, either, he just used his mojo to bring you back from the brink. Probably could muster a ‘thank you’, don’t you think?”

Damn this demon for his Southern bullshit; it works every time.

“Fine.” I sigh and look at Sebastian, my expression grumpy. “Thank you for helping me. But if you pull that mojo bullshit on me when it’s not an emergency, I’ll gut you like a fucking trout.”

His lips curve up in satisfaction, and he arches a brow. “What about if it’s with your consent? I’d like the lines to beveryclear if you’re going to draw them so publicly.”

“When the fuck would I ever consent to it willingly?”

Rory waves his hand, winking at me before he says, “I know; I know! Vamp sex is hot as fuck when the ‘look into my eyes’ shit is part of the play.”

I make a horrified face at the mage, and all the guys laugh in this masculine, dude way that makes me want to bludgeon them all. “I refuse to answer that question based on how disgusting you are.”

“Mmm, not an adjective I’m used to hearing regarding that subject,” Sebastian says, shrugging as he turns to release the elevator doors. “More’s the pity for you.”

Did he just offer to fuck me in front of all of them? And no one protested? What the hell is going on here?

The random thought from earlier has consumed me since we got off the elevator and headed for our suite. The guys watched me closely because I was so quiet, but I wasn’t spiraling into another incident, so they didn’t push. We simply headed inside and went to our rooms to get cleaned up—something I think everyone quietly agreed on.

But I can’t stop my brain from whirling around the idea that the five dudes in that small metal box seemed perfectly fine with one of them slyly propositioning me.

Sex isn’t a topic of conversation I allowed with Huck and Thad. I knew they were probably ‘dating’ people or maybe just relieving tension somewhere, but I didn’t want to know about it. I’m not a prude, per se, but I’m vastly uncomfortable with the surrounding discussion. Growing up with a father who did his damndest to keep me from forming any lasting bonds with others makes me suspicious of relationships, and so I’ve never tried. Now I suppose it was because he thought someone would find out about my mixed lineage and we’d have to run, but I guess weird patriarchal bullshit was part of it, too.

I don’t think he wanted to have any ‘womanly’ chats with me and I definitely figured out my period on my own. It didn’t seem odd, but then, I wasn’t questioning my entire childhood like I am now. That’s not really an issue after being shunted into the camps; they made certain we’re all implanted and kept from reproducing without permission from those who run our prisons. At best, I bleed every couple of months, and it’s not much. I’m not due for a while, either, since it happened right before my last re-up a month ago.

But it will at some point, and I’m going to have to contend with that—just fucking lovely.

All of this simply underlines the fact that I have a biological understanding of desire and physical intimacy, but no actual experience. My decision to keep my body to myself as the last vestige of personal autonomy has left me floundering with the situation at hand. Not only did the FHSA take that last remaining bit of dignity by primping me into oblivion today, but they’ve made me question what the hell the point is. Denying myself the ability to get lost in things that would take my mindoff this nightmare feels a lot less important now that my very skin isn’t even my own.

The worst part is that nothing they did—no matter how violating—looks horrible. All the bullshit I had to give into makes me more human, not less. That’s a general term, obviously, since I’m not remotely human now that the supernatural parts of me are waking up. I simply mean that I look healthy, well-groomed, and like I could smile for a toothpaste commercial unironically. From the girly bits like waxing and lashes to the practical things like teeth bleaching and bronzing, the techs Gemma directed took my basic natural gifts and enhanced them into blessings. Even the ‘bad girl’ additions like tattoos, injections, piercings, and other shit are perfectly in tune with the image they want me to project.

I hate that, but I can’t lie to myself anymore.

Walking to the mirror, I look at my reflection, examining the coiffed perfection the artists rendered. I’m expected to keep this up between appointments, so they had to teach me quite a lot. That’s why I came out last—I’ve never been shown how to shave my legs or wield a mascara wand before. Gemma was appalled at how little I understood, but I had no explanation to offer other than it was never something I had access to, nor cared to get for myself.

It’s easy to stay basic when you purposefully keep everything with a pulse as far from you as possible. It took a long time to get comfortable with Thad, and longer to allow Huck in my sphere. They’re the first friends I’ve had, and I was determined not to fuck it up by letting typical boy-girl hormones shit come into play. Hence, the brush off of talk about sex or dating in our interactions. Keeping the topic banned made certain that I wouldn’t be questioned about my participation or lack thereof.

Unfortunately, the change in the tenor of our group with the addition of our new members makes that almost impossible.Rory is a very flirty, sexual being—even though much of that is a personality he’s developed specifically to survive the camps. Dante is broodingly hot and alpha with this oddly gentle way of shepherding us to the right conclusion. And Sebastian… Well, that goddamn vampire knows how beautiful he is and he definitely knows who thinks so.

I’m trapped in a seething cesspool of testosterone and pent up hormones that I have zero experience fending off.

Worse yet, now that Gemma’s people have inadvertently removed my barriers about my body, I don’t even know if Iwantto fend it off. The stubborn refusal seems pointless and the magic inside of me is giving me subtle hints about what it would prefer me to choose. I notice more about the guys and their attractiveness than I’ve ever noticed about men in my life. My bodyfeelsmore about their naked forms than I’ve ever felt. Everything inside of me is haywire and I’m struggling to keep up with the onslaught of newness in every form.

To top it off, not a single one of these jokers—even my best friends—knows that I’m a fucking virgin.Antiquated as the term and idea are, it’s the one phrase that will cause a mini-uproar in this dorm for certain. I’m not stupid enough to assume that if they find out, it won’t cause a chain reaction of eitherveryinterested orverydisinterested dudes to sniff around me. I’m not ready for that, especially right now, so I can’t let them know until I can wrap my head around how to deal with it.

But that’s a problem for Future Sydney, as they’re waiting for me to come out and discuss today’s assholery while we eat—hopefully, without losing my goddamn shit.

NOBODY IS SAFE FROM THE MONSTERS INSIDE THEIR HEAD

SEBASTIAN

I wasn’t surprisedby the level of detail the techs went into at the ‘beautification’ session. They’re grooming us like prize livestock to show the world that the FSHA isn’t the big bad dictatorship oppressing supernaturals. Every inch of the competitors will be scrutinized by anyone who has been on the fence about resuming relations with the country, and if we all look presentable, fed, and shiny, it might convince them to cave. The nations who are staunch enough and have their own intelligence to contradict this razzle dazzle won’t budge, but if Taterman can get even a few countries to give in, it will appease his base.

This kind of machination is far above his intelligence capability, especially since he’s been whacked out on drugs since he popped out of the womb.

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