Page 94 of What I'm Looking For

I accept my glass from her. “I know. And please, I’m not judging you. It’s just that—I mean, why risk a broken heart just to have an orgasm every once in a while? I can do that by myself.” I lean on the counter, stare at a crack in the ceiling. “And then get a good night’s sleep afterward.”

Alice nudges me with a toe until I meet her gaze. “But don’t you miss the other stuff? The cuddling and pillow talk and all that?”

“I guess I threw that baby out with the bath water.” I take a swig of wine, but I don’t even taste it. “Because when I finally crawled out of that deep dark hole Jonathan left me in, the only thing I wanted was to prove him wrong. And I had to, like, harden myself to do that.”

Gripping the glass with both hands, I swirl the pink liquid. “The same thing at work. If I’m this person who is the best at what I do, nobody can question that. I can’t be soft and succeed. It was easier to keep that up if I wasn’t soft anywhere, with anyone.”

Alice clears her throat. “I hear a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”

“But then I met Will. He seemed so different, so I thought maybe it was time I took a chance, thinking I deserved some fun after I’d been working so hard. An easy, physical thing.”

“And it wasn’t?” She sounds like she’s trying to calm a wild animal.

“Yes? And no. I mean, he seemed like such a good guy. Especially compared to the BSDs I work with. So I trusted him. The sex was really great. So much fun.”

A sudden searing deep in my chest has me squeezing my eyes shut and pressing a hand over my heart. “Seeing him with Callie, I fell right back in that black hole.”

I hear a chair scrape, and Alice is next to me, pressing her shoulder against mine. “But what you assumed happened didn’t, right?”

“That’s what he said.” I blow out a breath. “It’s still so complicated. He was so angry, and I just don’t—I gave up. I give up.” A slideshow of the fight clicks through my brain. “It’s all just?—” I shake my head. “It’s too much.”

Alice rests her head on my shoulder. “I don’t know what to tell you, sweetie. I love you, and I want you to be happy.”

I huff out a broken laugh. “And if you could bottle the secret to that, I’d sell your shares and make us a bazillion dollars.”

We lean into each other for a few minutes. Then she straightens and claps her hands together. “Someone has already invented that, my friend.”

I give her a skeptical look.

“Ice cream. Duh. The universal healer of hearts and provider of happiness.”

Going all Vanna White on me, she gestures to my refrigerator. “Guess what I snuck into your freezer when I let myself in tonight?” Opening it, she pulls out four pints of ice cream, one of each of my favorites.

“Have I told you lately that you’re the best friend ever?”

She grabs a couple spoons. “What goes around comes around, baby. Now let’s pig out on creamy, delicious heart medicine and forget about men. Unless you want to have the Harry Hamlin vs. Mark Harmon debate? I’m always up for that one.”

I make a face as I open the Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. “We’ll never agree on that. I don’t like Harry’s lips.”

“What? They are so kissable!”

“Ugh. Too soft.” I shudder. “They’re girly lips.”

Alice trades me for Häägen-Dazs Chocolate. “So, so wrong.”

“What about eyebrows? Mark Harmon’s brows are so much sexier.”

Letting myself be carried away by the dissection of celebrity male parts and a sugar rush like none other, I raise my spoon to clink against Alice’s. Short-term distraction at best.

Still, it’s better than wallowing in indecision, fear and sorrow all by myself.

* * *

When I finally fall intobed, I’m wrung out. My body’s confused from the ice cream and wine I consumed instead of dinner. Alice had me in hysterics multiple times in the past couple of hours, laughing at stories I missed out on since I’ve been so fully wrapped up in my own.

Which makes me feel bad, now that I think about it. On top of all the other bad feelings that come rushing back, now that I’m staring at the ceiling alone in bed.

“Frankie! Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty!”

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