Page 93 of What I'm Looking For

You were right.

This isn’t going to work.

Goodbye.

Will

Late that night, Alice sits across from me at my kitchen table. Before leaving the office, I called her and she offered to come over. Head and heart so heavy I can barely sit upright, I tell her what happened.

“And then we had a huge fight and we broke up. And then I had to go to work and try to pretend everything was okay.”

Alice looks at the machine. “Can I hear the message?”

“Sure.”

When it ends, Alice just says, “Huh.”

“Huh? What does that mean?”

Her face is all pinched. “Well, it would make me mad. I mean, you guys kissed? ‘And all’? What does that mean?”

“He kissedme. It wasn’t like he asked my permission. It just happened.” My voice is squeaky, damn it. “And it was only a kiss. Nothing more.”

“Do you think you sent him signals that made him think that’s what you wanted?”

“I’ve been going over it and over it in my head, and I really don’t think I did. I was very clear that he was there as my fake date.” I slump down in my chair. “Will’s right on one thing. He did fit in with my family. Everybody loved him.”

Alice takes a generous sip from the glass of wine in front of her. “Hmm. How exactly did the kiss happen?”

I press my face into my palms. “We went outside because it was hot in the ballroom. Then he was just, like, behind me, and then he kissed me.” I peek at Alice between my fingers. “I didn’t stop him right away. I thought maybe I should see if there was anything there because he’s the kind of guy it seems like I should be with. I even thought maybe I should sleep with him. I didn’t want to, but I thought maybe I should be more… I don’t know.” I groan and push away from the table. Picking at a spot where the wood finish is chipped, I say, “Of course, I was thinking all these thingswhilewe kissed, and it may have gone on for a while.”

Alice makes a noise in the back of her throat. I look up to find her brows arched practically to her hairline. “Then what happened?”

“I explained that Will and I were taking a break but not… broken. So we went back inside and danced some more and then went home. To separate beds. Separate houses even.”

Alice stares at the machine like it might make things clearer than I have.

“Alice, I wish I were like you. I really do. But the whole dating thing has always been uncomfortable to me.” I’m whining, I know, but I can’t help it. “I didn’t date at all in high school. Then I met Jonathan the first week of college. What I had with him wasn’t really dating. It evolved.” I hug my knees to my chest, rest my cheek on them.

“By the time we had sex, I trusted him completely.” I lift my head and squeeze my hair, then my skull. “When he broke that trust, slept with that girl?—”

Tears leak, but I have to get this out. “Right after giving me that ultimatum! The next day! It just killed me.” When I check, my friend’s eyes are filled with compassion, but it’s still hard to face her fully. “I never told you this part. When I got back to Virginia, I?…” I have to push the words out. “I—I fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown.”

My throat’s closing down, but I’m almost to the finish line. “Alice, I couldn’t get out of bed for a month. My parents freaked out, made me go to a shrink and everything. I had to start my job at Fidelity late, pretend I’d had some medical issue. It was all really embarrassing. And kind of scary. Ever since, my parents have been like hawks, wanting me to come home so they can keep an eye on me. But it was work that saved me, really. My brain took over, and my heart just… went numb.”

She shakes her head slowly. “Kate. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“You were all the way in Korea!”

“I know, but still. I feel like if I’d been around you wouldn’t have had to go home, you wouldn’t have had to start work late?…”

“Alice.” I grab her hand. “You can’t take that on. But do you get why this is all so hard for me?”

“Of course.” She squeezes my hand hard. “Oh my god, yes.”

I attempt a smile before dropping my head into my free hand. “If I could just pick someone up and sleep with him and have it be all fun and easy? That would be, I don’t know—but I tried that with Will. I got attached.” I blow out a breath, give Alice’s hand a quick squeeze and get up. I need to move. “Kissing Steve felt really wrong. Not like morally wrong. Just—well, it felt like nothing. Even though I actually get along with him now and we danced and had great conversations. What I feel when Will kisses me is like?…” I gesture up and down my body. “Everything. Everywhere.”

Alice refills our wineglasses, which seem to have emptied themselves. “I get it. Everyone is different. And it’s not like I sleep with every guy I meet.”

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