Page 65 of The Single Dad's Guide to Recreation

“Problem is, their idea of best is a little different from mine.”

My mom gives me a final squeeze. “How about some herbal tea?”

I sink onto a barstool. “Sure. That’d be great.”

As she bustles about, my mom hums. It takes me a few moments to realize that it’s a song Avery leads at Playgroup. When she sets a steaming mug in front of me, I just stare at it.

“That was some impressive detective work on Avery’s part today,” she says after a beat. “But then she disappeared so fast.”

I just nod.

Her head tips to the side. “Did something happen with you two? Over the weekend?”

Only that I fell in love with her and then fucked everything up.

Not that I’m going to say that to my mom.

“We, uh, had a good weekend. Productive. And we talked about going public as a couple going forward but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“She’s just, you know, got a lot going on. And I have the kids…”

My mom places a hand on my arm. “Sweetheart. Lisa would want you to be happy.”

I snort. “I doubt that. She was never happy with me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t make her happy.” Emotion clogs my throat again and I scrub a hand over my face. “I can’t—I can’t fail like that again.”

My hands grip the mug in front of me. I have a sudden urge to throw it across the room, scalding liquid and all. But acting on impulse hasn’t exactly served me lately, so I force myself to be still.

“Josh, honey, look at me.”

Swallowing past the boulder in my throat, I do as she asks.

“Josh, do you think Lisa’s death was your fault?”

Eyes back on the tea, I shrug. “Maybe not that actual incident, and I don’t think she meant to end her life, but she was depressed. Severely depressed. Nothing I did made a difference, so I threw myself into work and then into taking care of the kids. I couldn’t take care of her too.”

My mom takes in a breath like she’s going to say something, but I just keep going, needing to get this out. “I feel like I can’t do all the things. It’s either be a good employee or a good partner or a good father. If I take my eye off the ball, everything falls apart, so I have to choose. And being a good partner seems like the one that has to go. So, yeah. Things aren’t going to work with me and Avery.”

She waits a beat or two and then asks, “If things were different, would you want to be with her? With Avery?”

“Of course I would. Avery is amazing. She’s smart and funny and gorgeous and… people love her.”

One corner of her mouth lifts in a half smile she passed down to me. “Peoplelove her?”

“That’s what I said,” I growl.

She takes a long sip of her tea, and I do the same, hoping it’ll calm me down. And it does, a little. Or maybe it’s just comforting to sit here in the quiet with my mom, knowing that my kids are safe upstairs. “I guess I’ll never know if Lisa and I would’ve lasted.”

“You have a chance for a fresh start, Josh.”

Gripping the mug again, I make myself ask, “What if the same thing happens all over again?”

My mom reaches across the counter, pries the empty mug away from me, and pushes it to the side before gripping both my hands. “Josh, I want you to hear this. You are the only person whose happiness you can control. If you can accept that, model that, it’s the greatest gift you can give your children. Self-love and acceptance.”

Oh yeah, I’ll get right on that,is what I want to say, but I just nod.

“Have you ever noticed where a juggler looks?”

---