Page 34 of In Step

“I got that when I was twelve. Mum was gone by then and Dad was drinking more. He caught me with our neighbour’s son roughhousing in the river that bordered our old farm. Max wasn’t even fucking gay. We were just having fun. But my dad always suspected Max of beinglight in the trousersas he called it, so I got ‘reminded’ to keep my distance fromboys like that. He slammed my head into a kitchen cupboard, and I caught the handle. Bled like you wouldn’t believe and needed twenty stitches. It came with a warning that if he ever found memessing with boys, he’d make sure I had a facenobodywanted.”

Abe paled. “Oh, Kane. God, I’m so sorry.” He covered our joined hands with his free one, and I was suddenly caught in the moment, in the way he held on so tightly like I might break apart. One good tug and I’d have crawled into his lap.

As it was, the words spewed in a crazy jumble from my mouth that I couldn’t seem to pull back. The stopper was off, and I was fucked if I could shove it back in. “And then there were two cracked ribs from the day he pulled me from the tractor when I was sixteen, because I’d flattened a section of fence while I was bringing in a load of firewood.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Yeah, he’s a charmer, all right. And all that was without him even knowing I was gay. There was never gonna be any coming out to him as a kid, ever.”

“So, did your father being an arsehole have something to do with what happened between you and Judah?”

I sighed and freed my hands, putting some space between us, and Abe frowned but let me go. “Dad hated everything Judah represented with a passion like you wouldn’t believe. He spewed the filthiest shit every time he saw him. Still does. The first time he got called to school because I’d supposedly been giving Judah a hard time, he practically beamed with pride.” I shook my head.

“Fucking hell.”

“Yeah. The fucked-up thing was, I hadn’t actually saidordoneanythingthat day. I’d just been in the general vicinity. I’d been worried Dad would be furious about the detention, but instead I had the easiest few weeks I’d had in years. It wasn’t rocket science putting two and two together, and so after that I made a point of hanging around those arseholes a bit more, just to keep Dad off my back. I was too much of a coward and too selfish about my own payoff, and so I lied to myself that what the others were doing wasn’t too bad and I could stay on the fringes.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No,” I whispered, swallowing down the bile rising in my throat. This was it. This was where Abe walked away. “No. I’d missed making the swim team the day before, and Dad wasn’t much pleased about that. It was the only sport I was any good at. Anyway, he sank a ton of beer that night, and then for whatever reason, he pulled me from bed about two in the morning and set me to cleaning the house while he yelled about how I needed to be more disciplined and set better priorities and all that shit.

Abe scooted closer until our knees touched, and the gentle support and warmth grounded me.

“The next day I was a mess. No sleep, no breakfast, and a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself and anger. Anyway, I was late to class and so I was running when I turned a corner and ran straight into Judah. He grabbed me around the waist to keep his balance, just for a second, and I gripped his arms to help. He regained his feet, but I didn’t let go. I... let him hang on, sucking up that connection with someone, a guy, a guy who was like me,” I choked out.

“Oh, Kane.” Abe rested a hand on my knee, and I desperately wanted to slide mine overtop but I didn’t.

I blinked hard and tried to find the words, heat raging in my cheeks. “He was so close, you know? So close I could smell the vanilla of his body wash, and he was staring at me, half pissed off, half amused, with a little bit of uncertainty thrown in, and with that cocky, ‘I just dare you to say something’ look in his eye, his hands so hot on my waist, his face right there. And I just wanted to fucking kiss him, Abe. Of all things. Jesus, I bet he never knew that.”

I shook my head, tears pricking my eyes. “I wanted so badly to pull him aside and tell him what was going on and why I’d been such an arsehole to him. I wanted to finally tellsomeoneabout who I was, someone who’d understand. And I almost did.”

“But you didn’t,” he said softly, rubbing my knee. “Something happened to scare you, right?”

Oh God. My gaze shot to his and I nodded, remembering the moment everything changed. And as if he could feel it, Abe’s hand moved to slide once again over mine and hold on tight. I sucked in a shaky breath, the memory like it was yesterday, still so fresh it hurt my heart. The growing confusion on Judah’s face, the question I couldn’t answer, his thumbs digging into my sides, his surprising strength, the hard muscle of his arms flexing against my palms, the rush, the want—everything pulling me closer to the edge.

“I wanted to. God, how I wanted to. But when I didn’t push him back straight away, Judah looked confused, and then he kind of half-smirked, half-smiled, and all I could think in that moment was that he knew. He knew about me.” I huffed. “He didn’t, of course. He was just being Judah, throwing down a challenge to the last possible second. Still, it was almost enough to make me think that maybe I could take that risk and tell him.”

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and took a second to get my head together while Abe rubbed hot thumb circles over the back of the hand he held.I’m here. It’s okay.

“But before I could say anything, the group of dipshits I hung with appeared at the other end of the path. They took one look at Judah and me, and I could tell they were wondering what the hell was going on. For Christ’s sake, I practically had Judah in my arms. All I could think waswhat if this gets back to Dad?And before I knew it, I’d shoved him to the ground and lashed out with my foot.”

“Oh Jesus.” Abe sucked a breath between his teeth and his hand clenched around mine, so tight I almost winced.

I shot him a panicked look, knowing I’d lost any sympathy I might’ve had. “I know. I know. In that moment, I wasn’t even thinking about him. And I honestly didn’t mean to hurt him like I did, but I wasn’t paying attention and... and I shouldn’t have done it. I should have fucking walked away. I hated myself and I totally deserve everything he thinks about me. It was just such a fucking mess. After that day, I stopped hanging with those jerks and never spoke to Judah again until I saw him on the street in Painted Bay last year and tried to apologise. He rightly shot me down.”

Abe blinked slowly and took a deep breath. I knew what he thought. I thought it myself every fucking day. He held my gaze, but his expression was hard to read. Guarded. Careful.Fuck. My heart sank. How stupid was I? No surprise, but it still stung. Nothing to see here folks. Just a bully trying to explain himself. Age-old fucking story. Of course, I disgusted him. Hell, I disgusted myself.

I pulled my hands free and made to stand. “This was a bad idea—”

“Kane, wait.” He grabbed my wrist but I shook him off.

“I don’t blame you.” I tried to stem the flood of something stupid in my eyes. “I tried to warn you. I’m not this poor misunderstood guy that you think I am. I’m not going to come out of this smelling like roses, with some explanation that’s suddenly going to make everything okay. If you’re looking for that, then you’ve got the wrong guy. I—”

“Kane, if you’d just shut up for a second.” He pulled me around to face him and my heart tore a little, but my mouth snapped shut at the anger in his eyes.

“Sit down and listen to me. Please?” he pleaded.

“You don’t have to do this.” I slumped back down onto the floor, and he sank in front of me, wearing a wretched expression.

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