Page 102 of Flare

“No, youdon’tknow,” I railed, unable to stop the tide of anger sweeping through me. “It didn’t happen to you. It happened tome.This—” I indicated my groin. “—doesn’t happen to you. It happens tome. And maybe it doesn’t botheryouthat we can’t fuck without me having to practically chain you up so you can’t even touch me. And maybe it doesn’t botheryouthat I won’t be able to always get it up for you when I want to...”

He blinked slowly and shook his head. “This has happened before?”

Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry.

“Rhys, please.”

“Yes, it’s happened before, okay?” It came out harsher than I intended. “For the first couple of years it happened a lot, not that I was using the damn thing. And it happened occasionally with Nolan, which went down about as well as you can imagine, and in the end... whatever. But I thought I was done with it. I thought...”

His frown deepened and something clicked in those worried eyes. “It happened after the panic attack, didn’t it.”

“Yeah. That whole week. And I was... slow the night before it, as well. I put it down to the stress of everything happening at once—working on the new coat, the drop in sales, Gloria, Fashion Week, all of it.”

“Have you told Callum?”

“Not yet.” I waited for him to jump on me, but he just looked puzzled.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know it doesn’t matter t—”

“Stop. Saying. That.” I made air quotes. “‘It doesn’t matter. We’ll work through it. It’s part of the process.’”

“But it is.” He pressed. “Isn’t that what we talked about? I mean not—” He faltered as his gaze slid down me. “—not what happened this morning.”

And I cringed that he couldn’t even fucking say it.

“But the restraints and stuff. We talked about this.”

My lip curled and I hated myself for the sneer in my voice. “Yeah, well, it’s fine when it’s all new and exciting. Get tied up. Get pushed around. Sexy, right? And then one day, a few months down the track when nothing’s changed, you’ll wake up and realise that itdoesfucking bother you,a lot. Then add in this other little problem and you’ll figure it’s too much. And the worst of it is I wouldn’t fucking blame you. In fact, it might be easier that way. Save us both a lot of pain.”

He gave a slow, disbelieving headshake. “Rhys, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just write me off as a shallow jerk.”

“Of course you will, Mr Understanding.” Childish and petty? Pretty much.

“Can’t we just talk about this?” He rounded the bed but I threw my hand out. “You have to know how I feel about you.”

“Please don’t... touch me.” I shut my eyes to the way his expression crumbled at my words and focused on getting my feet into my converse.Leave. It’s going to hurt too much.I steeled my heart and looked up, determined to finish things, but then faltered at the anguish in his expression and that small voice in my head that warned me I’d regret it.

For once, I listened.

“Rhys, please. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m here. Things will be okay. Just talk to me.”

Leave.

“I don’twantto feel okay about it. I don’twantto feel grateful to you for sticking around while I get my shit together. I didn’twantto be raped. I didn’t wantany of itto ever have happened. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to fuck a guy I like andbefucked without jumping through a million hoops to get there. What if this had been you this morning? Would you look down at your useless dick and say, ‘You know, that’s okay, we’ll try again tomorrow, it’s all justfine’?”

I shoved my arms into the sleeves of my jacket, grabbed my wallet and keys from the dresser and my overnight bag.

“Where are you going?” The desperation in his voice almost broke my heart.

“I need to think, Beck.”

He reached for me, but I stepped out of his way with my hands up and backed out of the room.

* * *

Beck

“You fucking idiot.” I fell back on the mattress, cursing myself as the sound of Rhys’s car disappeared up the street, and I replayed the conversation in my head, trying to figure out where the fuck it all went wrong.

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